I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and you can’t remember their name…. or how you met…. or why they’re dead. Yeah, the coroner coming to my apartment is going to stick out to my neighbors like a dick on a wedding cake. It’s times like these that I think why didn’t I just get a fuck buddy?
Then I remember how complicated those no strings attached arrangements can be. My fuck buddy relationships have been about as successful as Paris Hilton’s singing career. Someone either gets hurt, gets lines crossed or is found passed out on my front lawn at 3am drunk spooning a pink flamingo. Okay, but me doing that drunk flamingo thing hasn’t happened in a really long time. Peeing in the sink however….
Appears more than my vodka soaked ass finds themselves armpit high with fuck buddy issues. Nothing garners more clicks to my blog or more questions to my Snatch email then those topics that revolve around having a fuck buddy. Take the plight of these two Snarky Snatch followers for example:
Dan: “ I have had a fuck buddy for over a year without a problem. Now all of a sudden she is blowing up my phone with all kinds of requests that go outside the parameters of our agreement. She gets jealous when she finds out I am out with other girls and most recently came to my apartment unannounced and caused a real scene saying I’ve been leading her on. I don’t understand she said she just wanted something casual.”
Look Dan, when a gal tells you she’s not looking for anything serious, check her closet for the vision board with a pic of your face glued in the middle of a bull’s-eye. Women say they don’t want anything serious but mostly they are either making an attempt to convince themselves or convince you of that.
Often times a gal will hope to change a gents mind over the fb status into that of a relationship. Her logic is that if the sex is really amazing and you have a connection, why not make something more serious with her? But where women get it wrong is that men are very good at compartmentalized sex. Men can make clear separations between sex and love, lines that women often get blurred.
Lisa: “He told me he didn’t want anything serious but now he has a girlfriend and wants to stop our FB arrangement. We got along great if he wanted more why didn’t he offer it with me?”
Let’s see channeling my inner JD Mader here…
Because he didn’t want you.
Women find themselves in this situation because they tell men that they aren’t looking for a casual hook up and want something serious. The guy agrees and says he feels the same way because either a) he just wants a piece or b) he genuinely doesn’t know how he feels about the woman and is trying her on for size. It’s like men aren’t allowed to change their minds or take their time to come to a decision. They’re expected to know how they feel about a woman right away, a few dates in or a few fucks in. Which ever comes first. It is unclear whether he was banging the other girl at the same time he was banging you. So just assume he was and move on with the lesson that if you are actually wanting a relationship, don’t go finding it via the fuck buddy route. That road is paved with many a broken heart crying to their vibrator.
A fuck buddy can serve as a spectacular void in the space between one night stands and long-term relationships. But their endings and beginnings are often arbitrary. It is what makes them work. It is why they need rules. It is what keeps them from making your phone implode with crazed texts at inopportune times. Which is why Snarky Snatch University has developed the Ten Commandments of Fuck Buddydom.
10. Thou Shall Keep Buddy And Benefits Separate
Ever wonder how messy it would have been if Chandler and crew would have had on going gang bangs with one another other as they lived and hung out together? Try awkward as one of Phoebe’s songs.
When you hang out as friends, you’re friends. When you are sucking cock, you’re a cock sucker. And when you are seeking only the benefit of a fuck, you are a fucker. It is possible to be a cock sucker and a fucker. But you can’t be a friend to a cock sucker fucker. If fucking is all that you have on the agenda, I see problems with you getting too buddy like. It creates too cozy an environment and the more cozy one gets outside playing with each others genitals, the more of a chance lines blur into dating. One can say they are cool enough so they are the exception to the rule, but I have yet to meet a rule that hasn’t tried to be broken.
Consider this, if you merge fucking and buddydom and then one day stop sleeping together, you will awkwardly try to remember how to be just friends. It will be weird. And will either of you have partners understanding enough for you to remain friends with someone who you routinely scheduled to bang the shit out of?
9. Thou Shall Not Expect Flowers And Gifts
This is not a Ryan Gosling movie, so don’t try to make it one. Sure, it may seem fun in theory to get a surrogate boyfriend/girlfriend out of the deal on those nights that you are feeling a little lonely, but lawn darts once sounded fun in theory too.
If your cock wants to take up residency in fuck buddy city, then don’t call your fb to talk about how your boss was “a jackbag today.” They aren’t your girlfriend so they don’t have to pretend care. Ladies don’t ask your fb to befriend you on Facebook, or send you cookie grams for really great blow jobs. Don’t expect him to remember your birthday or give you a Valentines Day gift. Fuckbuddies are simply there to feed your sexual appetite until you find someone else that aligns better to your loin or hearts needs.
8. Thou Shall Communicate Clearly
The beautiful thing about a fuck buddy is that they are not your significant other. You don’t need to talk or text to your fuck buddy everyday. You don’t need to remember their birthday or make them breakfast in the morning. But in the very beginning of the arrangement it is best to communicate clearly what your expectations are. Use that time to carve out some rules so everybody is on the same page. However, fuck buddies aren’t for everybody. Different strokes for different folks. There are some that view any sexual connection as an emotional one, making the sex no matter how good, complicated and messy later.
Gents, when going on the hunt for cunt trust your gut to whether your cocks involvement in any snatch will proof later disastrous. You know, with an onslaught of 3am text spirals, and declarations of misinterpreted love. Aside from giving your partner a psychiatric evaluation, what else can you do but trust your gut? When margaritas become glasses of truth serum, then maybe you will have affirmative answers if your fuck buddy is on the same page with you. But when in doubt hunt elsewhere.
Another item that also falls under the communication umbrella involves booty call texting. Although you aren’t writing War and Peace, you don’t need to be crass or slutty. I mean, unless of course you are a crass slut then no worries. Texting appointments are best made before last calls at the bar. Any arrangement past 2am will probably be sloppy and not your best performance. That is of course unless you don’t have a job and have been sleeping all day smoking weed in your mother’s basement.
Don’t text “I’m Drunk“, or “I know you’re home alone/I’m home alone“, in an attempt to have sex. If you feel the desire to have sex then say it. Fuck a bush, don’t beat around one.
Don’t text “What are you doing?” at 4 in the morning. It is 4 in the fucking morning! Your fuck buddy is either sleeping or fucking someone else.
7. Thou Shall Not Be A Dickhead Or A Careless Cock Hunter
Unless he comes with a phone number etched across his penis, your fuck buddy isn’t an order from dial-a-dick. So don’t be ultra transparent that his cock is all you really are interested in. So, in other words, try to deliver some manners to your current loin jockey, something a little more friendly than… “OKAY, DISMOUNT!” following your orgasm.
I had a fuck buddy once who never communicated with me at all except when he wanted to fuck. Okay, it was it is but he lacked a lot of tact in the communication department. He would always be like, “Hey, wanna fuck?” It was as though all he saw me as was a huge pulsating vagina.
If I said that I was busy, he’d be mad. He genuinely thought that our arrangement meant that I should drop everything and come to service him when he called. Needless to say, we didn’t continue that cockular union for long.
For whatever reason Emily Post never had a chapter on fuck buddy etiquette so maybe that is why so many peeps get it twisted. Here are a few more good mannerly tips for fuck buddydom;
- If you have scheduled two appointments one after the other on the same day, it is required to shower before the second appointment.
- Don’t leave personal items behind for other “buddies” to find.
- Everyone gets at least one orgasm.
- Never vomit on your fuck buddy.
- And lastly even if the sex was lack luster…
6. Thou Shall Sign Fuck Buddy Contract
Before any vaginal/cockular union one should create a Fuck Buddy Contract. It protects you from any emotional snafus or liabilities that might enter into the union. Featured above is one that I ran by my legal team.
5. Thou Shall Have Romantic Pursuits Outside Of The Fuck Buddy Arrangement
There are specific types of people who tend to need more intimacy than others; these people should be the ones you avoid a purely sexual relationship with. If they aren’t out meeting other people then chances are they’re putting all their fuck eggs in your basket. Someone that doesn’t have romantic life outside of your fuck buddy agreement can start to see that arrangement through exclusivity goggles. That can be dangerous, causing your arrangement to implode faster than you can say “My anal lube or yours?”
4. Thou Shall Not Sleep Over
A sleepover gives the potential for spoonfests. Spooning isn’t casual. I mean how many of us spoon our neighbors? Okay, besides me I mean. Remember you don’t want to live your life like someone who blogs with a vodka soaked tampon up their ass. Aim higher. Live longer without orders of protection.
Now back on topic… don’t get me wrong, cuddlefucks are great. However, cuddlefucks are not contractually wise for the fuck buddy agreements. Cuddlefucks are things you do with people who you might end up dating. So cuddling with your fb is a great way to get lines blurred to intimacy outside the confines of mere fucking. Before you know it, your fuck buddy is adding smiley faces to all your Facebook posts and asking you for day treks to Crate and Barrel. Or worse, cornering you at the breakfast nook with questions of why you both aren’t making a go of it as a couple? Best to avoid those sticky situations with being direct before the fucking commences by letting them know you have an early morning so you can’t/ they can’t stay.
3. Thou Shall Not Get It Twisted
Girl, stop subscribing to Over Analyzing Magazine, you’re a booty call. Stop putting your relationship status as complicated on Facebook!
Look, even if you blow him like a Ninetendo cartridge, don’t assume you are his only fuck buddy. It only takes one accidental butt dial where you over hear the guy you are fucking saying to someone else: “I want to taste you later,” that tests your emotional bandwidth. You have agreed to service his cock in a no-strings attached arrangement. So don’t get it twisted.
Dudes don’t get lazy. Don’t get sloppy. It isn’t a plate of spaghetti, it’s a vagina. So make it apparent you want to be there. The harsh reality is there are a lot more prospective male fuck buddies out there than there are prospective female fuck buddies. Yeah, life is like a dry hand job sometimes isn’t it? So listen, if you don’t take the time to satisfy her, she’ll find someone else. Why? Because vaginas are like MasterCard, they are accepted everywhere. She has no emotional attachment to you so she doesn’t need to put up with your 3am drunken declarations of woo or any of your other bullshit. When a woman loves you, you can be a selfish jerk in bed and she’ll stay (for a while, at least). But in a fuck buddy relationship, you have to put out to keep her.
You are NOT in an exclusive relationship with your fuck buddy which means they can partner, can hang with, date and fuck whomever else he/she wants without it being considered cheating. You are contractually obligated to not get jealous, or bent in learning of their other extra curricular activities. They never agreed to be faithful to you. On the flip side, the same applies to them as well.
2. Thou Shall Not Have Sex With An Ex That You Just Broke Up With
Having sex with a recent ex has a fuck buddy fail rate of roughly 108%. Think about it, you broke up for a reason. Why keep a cockular tie to someone you have an emotional connection with? More times than not, an ex will use sex as a pathetic attempt to rekindle the relationship. There must be enough time for hurts to heal and the dust to settle. It can also be very weird.
When things ended with Duncan I naively thought we could continue having sex as fuck buddies. After all, sex was never an issue in our relationship. Thing was, I wasn’t counting on all those intense feelings coming back like a tsunami. So, in attempt to cover up that wave of feelings, I went overboard to have what I would call hooker sex. I wouldn’t kiss him, wouldn’t look into his eyes, wouldn’t touch him in any intimate way as to not appear “girlfriendy.” I couldn’t have been more disconnected from him if I worked for Sprint. Being that disconnected took away the very thing I enjoyed about having sex with him. Which is why I recommend not having sex with anyone that you’ve broken up in the past six months. I mean unless it is angry get over you sex, which has no expiration date.
1. Thou Shall End Union On A Good Note
Like a Hostess Twinkie, all good things must eventually come to an end. Yes, even pounding good pussy. In a well choreographed fuck buddy agreement, there’s never any awkward break-up chat when you’re done with them. You can just stop calling.
Of course, most sexual unions aren’t that simple cause all that feeling shit gets involved. Depending on how long your merger lasted, one can expect a little emotional tugs to drag you down when saying goodbye. Perhaps one is more ready to move on then another, or one doesn’t have other genital play lined up so they fear a loin drought. Whatever the reason, ending things can be painful and get a bit messy. It is all in how you exit that makes a difference. If you exit the same way you entered the union, with respect, dignity, and lube, then you preserve your honor and possibly a good reference when future fuck buddy applicants come your way.
Now, you may ask what is the best way to end a fuck buddy relationship? Well, I usually find a nice sausage basket works best. But you may find your good-bye is better served with a baked good.
Perhaps with a balloon?
Of course, nothing reflects the perfect sentiment like a greeting card.
In closing graduates, take all the rules you know about dating and relationships and toss em. Take your arrangement for what it is and respect boundaries. Don’t pry for information that doesn’t revolve around your shared interests. Fucking. I suppose on occasion you can go out drinking or engage in other activities with your fuck buddy, but all of these activities should be seen only as a precursor to fucking. Just remember the Snarky Snatch motto: Fuck Buddy genitals are a nice place to visit but you don’t want to love there.
Here are four great reasons to make new friends. Four even better reasons not to drive a small car. Speaking of making friends come join me on Facebook. Unless of course, you plan on being my fuck buddy.