Fuck You 21st Century If I’d Lived In Medieval Europe I Would Have Been Hot

 boots kat knight

I love when a group of boys part so I can walk through.  It’s like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.

swagger sexy fail sea of penises

Few things in life give me amour-propre than the unleashing of my drool-inducing curves for peen provides me. It is the closest thing I have to feeling what it must be like to be Beyonce.

if women lived like beyonce 1if women lived like beyonce 2if women like like 3if women lived like 5 beyonceif women lived like 6

Most of us don’t come installed with a Beyonce metric for sexy.  Often times when a woman tries to force sexy, we overdo it and come across looking like a confused drag queen going to an Adore Delano clear shoe swap meet.   Since the majority of us don’t aim for drag queen as our signature style, how then do we gauge when we are being authentically sexy? 

Like most women, my sexy metric is often gauged in the caterwauling approval in men.  Times like walking the harrowing gauntlet of a construction site then hearing an ebullient, self-affirming narrative from a gaggle of construction workers: “DAMN! YOU ARE FINE!!! I’d like to hit that. Come sit on my face!” It is only in that moment that a woman knows she is having a good hair day.

old hag sxy fail

So it is truly a sad, sad day for us fermenting beauties who like to wear coochie cutters with 6 inch heels, painted on spandex tank tops, hair up like a Shih Tzu caught in a tornado, are then forced to retire our look for more demure, age appropriate styles. 

It has long been a goal of mine to find a gent that would look at me the same way that I look at bacon. I finally found one.  Out of all the ways Ryker is sexy, I think the most sexy part of him is how hot he looks when adoring me. The looks he gives me, are the things panty pudding dreams are made of. Nothing, I repeat NOTHING is more sexy than a man who doesn’t hate my face.  But just because a gal finds a good cock doesn’t mean that she still isn’t riddled with “short shelf life expiration date angst” as she gets older.   I am not alone.  In our current youth centric times, most women hitting 40 worry about being replaced by a younger, tighter, more supple version of themselves.   Sure, Ryker loves me now, but he will he when my tits look like two uncooked Bisquick dumplings?

Does one lose their ability to be sexy with age?  How would you define sexy? 

car wash 1car wash 2car wash 3car wash 4

 Whatever.  That is so cliche.  Anybody would look sexy all wet and washing a car.  Even me.

washing ryker car

Sexiness is defined in a pretty monolithic way.   As a culture, we are constantly striving to define it.   If you just Google “what is sexy,” up comes a plethora of pornofied antiseptic images, and search terms that basically downgrade a woman to nothing more than some glossy arm charm with a warm hole respite for a penis. 

boobs shift sexy fail

We have become a culture obsessed with hyper-groomed, hyper-cultivated perfection, momentarily allured by hair extensions, large chests, big bottoms and stilettos.   Social media, entertainment and advertising brand hotness in the form of bronzed abs, injected lips, bleached bum holes, and fake boobs.  We’re so conditioned toward the fake image that it is has become normalized as Definitively Sexy.

meeks hot felonOkay.  All you feminists out there can hold the Helen Reddy song, cause what women view as sexy ain’t much better. A mugshot posted to the Stockton Police Department’s Facebook page of one“Jeremy Meeks,” has a slew of women making panty pudding. Meeks is currently in San Joaquin County Jail for felony weapon charges with a $900,000 bail demand, but that doesn’t seem to stop the already 12,700 likes and over 3,000 comments from women hoping to bring his peen to their sexual justice. (Cue the porn music: Bom Chicka Wah Wah.)

 

Whether it’s Meeks’ smoldering good looks, or the soulful way he is staring into your heart to steal it, women are making a verbal love orgy all over the internet. Stay tuned for a producer from BRAVO with a Kickstarter to raise the $900,000 bail, and turn this bad boy’s life around in a reality show:  THIEF OF HEARTS ( And Your Life Savings).  What do you think of that pitch Andy?

 andy cohen make a gif for that

Sex appeal is fifty percent what you’ve got and fifty percent what people think you’ve got. ~ Sophia Loren

 

bachelor rose

Of course there is no greater place to apply that theory than in the world of online dating. It is a meatsphere, morphisized-jumble of misrepresentations. Why it is birthplace of the Catfish, and a place where PhotoShop thrives… Nuttin like a good soften filter, eh ladies?  Yep.  Nothing tests a person’s emotional bandwidth more then being misled, judged, examined, or rejected by an anonymous populous of emotionally crippled onlookers.

online dating camera

Users of the popular online dating site OkCupid who are looking to avoid sullying their search results with unattractive people can now filter out the undesirables courtesy of a recently installed feature that allows premium users to select — or, rather, de-select, the physical attributes of potential love interests, thereby eliminating any result that doesn’t match. Among the body types users are invited to ignore: “Overweight,” “full figured,” “a little extra,” and “used up.”Or “ridden hard, put away wet.”

If online dating sites aren’t bad enough for our self-esteem, comes a flurry of websites and phone apps that rank our sexiness and spin the body narrative in the most obscene ways. 

can do better

Sites like Hot or Not or CanDoBetter.com, helps you evaluate whether you’re too cool (or too hot) for your current mate. CanDoBetter.com lets you post a picture of you and your partner then members vote which of you could do better in the relationship.  If someone “can do better,” based on the community’s votes, he or she has the option of meeting someone new from the member pool.  Sound fun?  But wait there’s more!

playbook

.The phone app PLAYBOOK takes locker room chit-chat to a virtual douche level by providing a no holds barred platform for men to rank and discuss their hookups with women, essentially recommending them to their bros. Ladies, consider it a dude’s version of YELP about your vagina. 

 

sex objectKeeping with the theme of  jackbaggery magnification:  Sensorial Condoms allows you to measure your performance, the pushings, the speed and calories burned.  You can track where, when, why, and give reviews to the warm hole that your peen made a cockular union with.  Best of all, you can compare your performance benchmarks with your friends’ averages, join monthly challenges for cockular-motivation, and delete your worst performances (the most requested).

 

dick lottery seduceHoly Heidi Montag has our definition of sex shifted over the years.  Long ago in a time before Weight Watchers and colonics, the full-figured woman was the epitome of sexy.

rein oddly(Hmm… she looks oddly familiar.)

A stark contrast to current attitudes, the Renaissance era provided men the preference of a more voluptuous woman, with large breasts and roomy hips.  Women who were slightly overweight among thin peasants were thought to be well off and fertile, then Twiggy had to come along and ruin a perfectly good thing for all us Hostess hoarders.

twiggy

The 1960s were a time when women aimed to hide their curves. In fact, some would even bind their chests with strips of cloth to achieve a boyish, I’m searching for Chaz Bono look.  With the introduction of the model Twiggy, the idea of slenderness became more popular and standard among the model world which pretty much continued today.

70's dance

I was born in the 1970′s where cocaine thin bods like Bianca Jagger were chic and a natural woman fro on a cooter were all the rage.

70's brush pussy sexy fail

  Oh those were the days when a panty model’s marabou feather slippers were as fluffy as her crotch bushOh, how I know.  Lawn darts and children drinking Drano were really big in the 70′s too.  I think we can all agree that some trends are better left forgotten. 


Getting old sucks monkey balls. Once naturally train rail thin, I now must watch my weight as my metabolism has changed with age.  Since I could eat anything I wanted in my younger days and never gain weight,  refraining from burying my face in a vat of pretzel M&Ms doesn’t come easy for me.  Of course I could probably succeed at any diet as long as someone tranquilizes me after 8pm. 

In Ohio most fitness consists of lifting logs, rocks, or  bottles of 40oz malt liquor but among the roomy Cheese Factory crowd is a slew of tight, firm, bootylicous babes.   

butt in pink post sexy fail

And we all know how much sexy stock men put into a woman having a nice ass.   Oh stop.  We know.  Every guy remembers exactly where he was when he saw his first thong.  It’s like a dude’s own personal JFK assassination moment.

bum bounce gif

I have yet to meet a man 45 years of age and under that doesn’t have an affinity for booty. Why 95% of dudes are looking at a woman’s ass no matter what she is doing. You can count on it like global warming, Obamacare issues, and Charlie Sheen ordering a hooker. Which is why it sucks for me being born white and Irish.  It all translates to having the hindquaters of a gnat.

white girl wants booty compare sexy fail

My yoga pal Roxy tells me to do more squats or spin class to sculpt my assets. But I am not a fan of anything that makes me sweat without an orgasm being at the other end of it.  My fitness motto:  If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put penises on the floor.

Why should I have to?  Sexiness is in our DNA, it goes beyond body image. It is everywhere and elusive, and could be any of the following items from this extremely impartial list: like smell, facial symmetry, charisma, voice pitch, bed cred, financial stability, intellect, or kissing prowess.

The Science of Sex Appeal,” a documentary explaining the influences of what makes us want to combine loin juices, gave me some interesting insight on what makes us sexy. Much of it involves math but if you want the nitty gritty on what makes a woman sexy, well it pretty much revolves around a woman’s shark week.

brought to you by Tampax shark week

According to science a woman’s attractiveness fluctuates depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. Apparently a woman’s body is unconsciously trying to ho her out, advertising the fact that she wants to attract a mate when she is ovulating. Her lips become slightly bigger and brighter, pupils dilate, and women’s ears, fingers, breasts and other soft tissue areas become more symmetrical all during her eggs release.  Similarly, scientists at the University of Texas found that women’s “waists shrank by about half an inch, giving them a more curvaceous and shapely silhouette.” Even women’s voices change, becoming more high-pitched right before the red rivers flow.     

fat booty erased dating

   It has long been assumed that men prefer long hair, big boobs and curves.  But why?  Doctor Devendra Singh may provide an answer.  Dr. Singh has poured years of research into this very subject mainly focusing on a waist-to-hip ratio in women.  This curvaceous study tracks female body types from early Indian literature to modern pop cultureSingh’s research revolves around measuring a woman’s breasts and waist and then comparing those ratios with their estrogen levels and fertility.  Followed by some math science stuff.  These findings determined that men are hard wired to seek a certain shape and women with a 0.7 hip-to-waist ratio (roomy hips but with small waists) make for good breeders.  Further concluding that men intuitively seek out curvealicious beauties to implant their peen seed into.  So the hour glass figure is more than just a fashion trend but an important step in evolution.

illusion of women 2

Women are natural born illusionists. Much like a chameleon uses camouflage as its number one defense to ensure its survival, women also use camouflaging techniques to ensure their success rate in finding a good penis.  But when the makeup has smudged onto the pillow, hair extensions yanked out, and the orangey Oopa loopa pumpkin fake spray tan has streaked onto a gent’s bed sheets, a dude is left wondering what the hell he actually went to bed with.  

Online Self-Objectification

Sociocultural standards of feminine beauty are presented in almost all forms of popular media, barraging women with images that portray what is considered to be the “ideal body.”  Before social networks, we mostly had images of impossibly perfect celebrities and skinny mini fashion models.  Now we have online dating, Twitter/ Twatter, Facebook and other forms of social media.  An overabundance of studies conclude the more women are exposed to “selfies” and other photos on social media, the more they compare themselves negatively. Even employers searching through online employment databases may make snap judgments about whether to interview you or not based on your facial appearance or your height and weight.

media dictates to us sexy failApproximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting to achieve their ideal body shape. Unfortunately, only 5% of women naturally possess the body type often portrayed by Americans in the media.   So knowing that little factoid we really need to get over ourselves.   Ladies  even if you have gained a few pounds you have just opened yourself up to a whole new genre of men: Black guys, Rednecks, dudes from Lodi and my Uncle Lenny.

swagger swirl woman sexy woman

 There are lots of things most people think of as sexy, so the sheer number of things we could find sexy are truly unfathomable. No one definitive thing that amounts to sexy in the eyes of everyone, or even at all times. Real sexiness is subjective.  It is so subjective, so whimsical, so dependent on a particular confluence of experiences, images, and cultural conditioning, to say nothing of circumstance, that no one notion of sexiness is quite going to get it.

The great seductresses in history knew that it isn’t just about trying to look sexy or pretty; it’s an art and one becomes skillful in it when she realizes that there are all these conflicting elements that all come together to make something magical.   And don’t we all agree a person is most sexy when they feel sexy?

 

sexy sucking things seduceOkay.  There are maybe some exceptions.

 

I think the times I feel most sexy is when I’m wearing a yummy pair of heels. I have been told on more than one occasion that pairing my legs with a my savvy shoe styling, makes me a walking erection. What can I say? I have great gams. Anything I lack in outward sexiness, I more than make up for in personality. Hey don’t knock it. Personality ain’t just for fat peeps anymore.

sexy fail fucking hot

I believe modern laws of attraction dictate that opposites attract, but in my case, I’m most attracted to that which I see in myself… a quirky sense of humor. I used to be a sucker for the bad boy, complete with perma-scowl, ink soiled tear drop tat bod, and a rap sheet as long as his dick. But thankfully the paradigm of what I now view as sexy has shifted over the years. A man with a witty sense of humor trumps a man with a chiseled face and toned abs any day.

 

Sexy comes in all sizes, colors and flavors.  All told I am learning to be happy with what God gave me.  Drinking a lot helps that happy part.  I don’t buy into the need to modify my bod to meet some impossible perfection standard.  That isn’t to say I am not willing to shed a few pounds for my Love Mutten. I think I will feel sexier in my corset when it doesn’t look like a package of crescent rolls bursting out.   So starting this weekend: THE YETI COCK  DIET.  A few weeks on this diet I assume I’ll lose about 10 lbs.  Since it’s hard to put food in my mouth when you have an enormous peen in there. 

This post was brought to you by:

brought to you by secret sale sexy fail

Also brought to you by…

 

brought to you by lift cream sexy fail

Are you too sexy for this blog?  Then come join me on Facebook.   Come on!   All your fellow sexy peeps are over there waiting to bask in your loin glitz.

twerk apt

 

That’s the spirit. Twerk it out snooks. Twerk it out.

 

body image and media

body image and media 2 sexy fail

Fade Into You

fade kat blur

I don’t know why some people fill the gaps while others emphasize my loneliness.

Everyone says love hurts, but that isn’t true. Loneliness hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.

Love is the ultimate exercise in trust.   It means surrendering your fears and giving someone the power to destroy you but the trust in them not to.  It isn’t love that hurts.  The loss of love hurts. Someone building emotional walls of distance hurts.  Losing the potential to love hurts.  But love is the only thing in this world that doesn’t hurt. Which is why when we find it, we must do everything we can to protect it.

How does one define love?

children answer question of love

My definition of love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. 

ryker fade into you

I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that’s true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth

 

loner road walk fadeYou live your life
You go in shadows
You’ll come apart and you’ll go blind
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what’s not there.

 

passion glimpses fade

 

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it’s strange you never knew

 

kissing in pink fade

 

A stranger’s light comes on slowly
A stranger’s heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart

 love stick girl fade

 Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it’s strange you never knew

 love blinds you to lifes reality fade into

Fade into you
Strange you never knew

 

kiss soft fade

Fade into you
I think it’s strange you never knew
I think it’s strange you never knew

 

if you want love give them heart faderomantic kiss fade

Performed by:  Mazzy Star

This Weekend Forecast: Mostly Drunk With A Chance Of Horny

crinoline blog foundingI don’t vomit from drinking. I vomit when I think about my life.  You would think that with my history of self medicating that by now a bottle of vodka would run out to my car at hearing my car horn.   So I must find solace in the simple pleasures of life.  Like the fact that our Founding Fathers whacked off enough Brits so we could get an extra day off to get drunk and eat hot dogs.

Happy Independence Day America!!  A day we come together as one to proudly wave our American flags that were made in China. 

july 4th fuck yeah

As one that embraces the American spirit, I think everyone should dive into this Independence Day festivities and get stuffed and snockered.  The way I see it, if we don’t celebrate Independence Day, how will the grocery stores know when to put out the school supplies?  So keeping that theme in mind, how do you plan to be celebrating this weekend?

Catching up on some sun rays at the beach? 

butt beach ball founding fathers

Having a picnic with your favorite pussy?

karate cat summer founding father

Perhaps displaying your own personal fireworks display?

july 4th idiot

Or maybe you will be taking the hot dog bus to taco town?  No, I’m not talking about the mass email invite from my vagina that went out a few hours ago.  I am talking about Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating contest.

hot dog weird founding fathers

Each year Nathan’s sponsors a wiener fellatio eating contest on the boardwalk at the famous stand on Coney Island.  Why?  To crown world champion hot dog gobbler of the year, of course.  According to legend, on July 4, 1916, four immigrants held a hot dog eating contest at Nathan’s to settle an argument about who was the most patriotic.  Sure.  Makes sense.  Today the tradition continues but for $20,000.  So fuck that patriotism shit.  This year’s contest will be shown on ESPN, so all you sausage swallowers can share in the fun while your stomach cries tears of processed meat.

hot dog cum dick founding fathers

For the past several decades the competition has been dominated by Japanese humanoid contestants whose insidy-bits have collapsed into a black hole ripe for Ball Park Frank consumption.   My personal pork lip fat-eating favorite is Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas.  On July 4th, 2011, Thomas became the champion of the first Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest for Women (previously women had competed against the men).  Eating 40 hot dogs in 10 minutes.  As peens everywhere swoon in amazement.  Just proving a woman’s mouth is skilled in all things wiener.

  most wanted weiner

It might be an American tradition but it’s always hard for me to watch eating events like this without getting stomach seizures. These peeps make delicious hot dogs look like something Katy Perry’s cooter coughed up.

Now since I consider myself a part time pornographer-cum-historian and since today’s theme seems to be centered around dudes gobbling peen-shaped food items for America, it is the perfect segue to talk about peen action from our Founding Fathers.

who cares react

Don’t be such a buzzkill.   Granted I don’t exactly make panty pudding at the thought of former presidents dancing in their Calvins.  

abe lincoln sexy dance founding fathers

 That said, everybody dabbles in sex.  Even Republicans.  Our Founding Fathers were no exception.  That’s right.  Political sex scandals predate Anthony Wiener’s wiener attempting to snuggle inside Sydney Leather’s bun. They even predate our country’s independence.  Why our Founding Fathers traded in each others sex scandals like they were FLEER Trading Cards. Thomas Jefferson exposed Alexander Hamilton’s sex scandal, while the federalists under Hamilton exposed Thomas Jefferson affairs. 

Although back in those days we didn’t have TMZ and paparazzi hanging out in French hotel lobbies waiting to see who went up to Benjamin Franklin’s suite, nor did we have Lincoln proving up how honest he was in inches via Tinder.

abe lincoln selfie picIt appears freedom wasn’t the only thing taking bloom from our Founding Fathers.. They were were a randy bunch of horn dogs spreading peen nectar all over New England. Take for example colonial cooter slayer Thomas Jefferson.  You know the dude who penned the Declaration of Independence.

 

declaration founding fathersTurns out old TJ was double dipping his tip in many an ink well.  This poon hound was rumored to father six illegitimate children by his slave girl Sally Hemings, who was thirteen years-old at the time.  Historians have debated this baby daddy point over the years because it’s kind of hard to fathom that a man who is renowned for being one of the great fathers of liberty not only owned another human being, he then used that human being as a humping post.  Madison Hemings, one of Sally’s sons, stated in an 1873 interview that Thomas Jefferson was his father and the father of all of Sally’s children, but this was proven to be false by DNA testing in 1998. Baby or no baby, I believe he was still a colonial cooter hound.

 

I don’t know maybe I am biased.  I’m just not a fan of a dude who kept one hundred and seventy five slaves while his peers (such as George Washington) were working to free them.  His only book was devoted to a staggering amount of racist rhetoric.  And Jefferson even told his neighbor Edward Coles not to emancipate his own slaves, because free blacks were “pests in society” who were “as incapable as children of taking care of themselves.”

 

When Tommy boy wasn’t knocking boots or soiling the fabric of America, he was knee deep in ganja.  Jefferson was a fan of the Wizzeed.  He even smuggled hemp seeds from China to America because they were known for their potency.  No actual proof he smoked it but even if he did, he likely didn’t get high from it.  Since the type of hemp they grew had very low levels of THC, the active ingredient that causes euphoria.

.

weed founding fathers

.Then there was bloomer remover Hamilton, the Bill Clinton of his time.

alexander

In the summer of 1791, Alexander Hamilton was the target of a modern-day “honey trap,” set by a blonde 23-year-old named Maria Reynolds. Like most gold digging ho’s she claimed she needed cash because her husband had left her with a small daughter to support. Himself an orphan, Hamilton quickly agreed, but their financial arrangement soon morphed into a trickier cockular entanglement. Truth was, Maria and her husband, James, had carefully planned the affair in an attempt to extort even larger amounts from Hamilton.

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The black mail scheme seemed successful until Reynolds was implicated in another financial scandal. He then informed investigators—a group that included James Monroe and Frederick Muhlenberg—that Hamilton had been using government funds as hush money. Hamilton admitted to the affair, but insisted that he had used his own personal funds to cover it up, even showing Monroe his love letters from Maria Reynolds as proof. Monroe and Muhlenberg seemed satisfied with the proof and promised not to expose Hamilton. However, Monroe gave the letters to his close friend Thomas Jefferson, (one of Hamilton’s fiercest political enemies). Jefferson then passed them on to a publisher who Gary Hart-ed him.

.thomas jefferson

Hamilton didn’t take any of this shit lying down.  In a very non-politician like move, he published his own lengthy pamphlet in which he acknowledged the extramarital relationship. Hamilton was publicly applauded for his honesty, but his political career was effectively destroyed.  


That brings us to Gouverneur Morris.

confused what

Gouverneur Morris you ask?   You know… this guy:

the gov

Okay. You may not recognize him but you’re probably familiar with some of what he wrote. “We the People, in order to form a more perfect union,” is sometimes mis-attributed to the Declaration of Independence but it’s the opening to the U.S. Constitution, and the Gov man wrote it. He also edited most of the Constitution.  And if that isn’t impressive enough take note, cause nobody could charm a whisker biscuit better than the Gov.

he plays violin founding fathers(Yeah.  I bet he does).

 

A bachelor until age 57, the Gov enjoyed swinging his meat sword around in public places.  Especially when rubbing loin parts with the married snatches of the day.   Why he even wrote about it in his personal diaries — not even in code, as some early Americans did.  In one diary entry he wrote “Go to the Louvre…we take the Chance of Interruption and celebrate in the Passage while [Mademoiselle] is at the Harpsichord in the Drawing Room. The husband is below. Visitors are hourly expected. The Doors are all open.”

founding father passion

(Sure it’s all candelabras and anal lube until some unhappy husband swords your peen off).

Most of these rompskis took place while he was serving as a diplomat for baby America–just before and during the French Revolution. His main cooter squeeze?  A very married Madame de Flahaut.  She lived in the Louvre, (now the museum that houses the Mona Lisa).

mona lisa showing boob(Looks like Mona has been reading this blog.)

 

Anyway the Gov man had a lot of sex there, which he liked to call “celebrating.”  Since he was a man who loved to take risks he was always testing the boundaries in getting caught. According to his diary he was being so “wanton and flagrant” that he would bone “in the passage … at the harpsichord … downstairs … the doors are all open,” and in a coach with the coachman staring straight ahead.  Man whore.

washington react founding fathersDon’t be too sure.  Although Georgie was never seriously accused of sexual impropriety, it was rumored that he engaged in gay sex, had a fondness for skin flute and even enjoyed a good toke every now and then.  

founding fathers fondle

Much like Jefferson and virtually every Revolutionary farmer, the Father of Our Country grew prodigious quantities of hemp. Early American farmers used cannabis for cloth, rope, sails, paper and other 1700′s shit. Of course that doesn’t mean he was a toker.   George Washington’s love of Hemp is well documented. In one of his meticulous agricultural journals, dated 1765, Washington regrets being late to separate his male hemp plants from his females. For a master farmer like George, there would be little reason to do this except to make the females ripe for smoking. There is also indication he used hemp preparations to deal with his toothaches.

.washington teeth founding father

As for Washington’s sexual preferences, his marriage to Martha was sometimes suspect.  There is record that Washington addressed passionate letters to a married woman. If no further improprieties occurred, it was not for want of trying Despite owning a copy of ‘conjugal lewdness: or matrimonial whoredom’ by Daniel Defoe.’ in a letter to a friend, he complained that there was “not much fire between the sheets.”

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Georgie’s passion were reserved for his work and the men with whom he served closely, notably Hamilton and the Marquis de Lafayette. At a time where sodomy and open homosexuality were punishable by imprisonment, castration and even death, both in and out of the military, Washington had a laissez-faire attitude with a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy when it came to same-sex coupling among his regiments at Valley Forge.

.washington dance founding fathers

Maybe that is because Georgie was a Freemason (like a few other founding daddies).  Historians have since uncovered papers that reveal Masons as “engaging in anal penetration with wooden spikes used in ship building.”  Yikes!  I wonder how they handled splinters.  But to each his own. 

george washington smile founding father

Of course there is no photo evidence of these spike romps but now that I have uncovered this, I may never look at a $1 bill the same way again.  Which is okay because my bj’s usually leave me up to my arm pits in Jacksons anyway.

dolley saucy

When other Founding Fathers, like Alexander Hamilton, were all but throwing key parties.   Dolley Madison (wife of fourth U.S. President James Madison) had her hoop skirt in a bunch turning the White House into a brothel.  Or so it was rumored when a couple of her sisters came to live with her in the White House.  Dolley and her cooter posse were very social girls who knew how to have a good time.  Which didn’t always go over well with the stoney cravat crowd.

 

Complicating matters was her involvement in politics.   Dolley became the social leader of the nation, and invented the role of First Ladie for future generations.  Since it was scandalous to have women involved in politics, cabinet members and Dolley bashers started swirling slut rumors about her.  One political rumor at the time even had Thomas Jefferson pimping Dolley and her sister Anna to foreign visitors.  Further insinuations levied by congressmen suggesting that Dolley traded sexual favors for electoral votes which sparked a full-fledged sex scandal.  So it is hard to separate fact from mean-spirited ho bag fiction.  Back in that time it was believed that excessive sexual desire belonged to the realm of men and Dolley exuded a sexuality that set some wigs a  wagging.  The very thought of a woman having desires like that was almost beyond belief.

dolley saves

Personally I am a fan of Dolley. We all know how jealous bitches can be. Especially about a gal who knows how to throw a good party. I think Dolley has Hilary Clinton type balls to not retreat to her fainting couch. She also is one tough cookie under pressure. During the war of 1812, Dolley is credited with the heroic act of saving Gilbert Stuart’s famous portrait of Washington from British destruction. On August 24, 1814, James Madison was with troops when the British advanced upon the White House. Rumor had it that their intention was to take Dolley as hostage to parade her throughout London.

 

Dolley refused to evacuate the White House three times, only giving in when the cannon fire became too close for comfort. But before leaving, she had the Washington portrait taken to friends for save keeping.  Now that is something even our current Chief could be proud of.

o man

Lastly, we pay tribute to the colonial grandfather to sin because if you believe where there’s smoke there’s fire, then Benjamin Franklin could be a nine-alarm disco inferno.

 

ben franklin ladies man

 Benjamin Franklin is credited with creating the lightning rod, square dancing, the bifocal lens, elastic-wasted pants, the method for placing fortunes in fortune cookies but he was also the Snarky Snatch of his time.  Minus the dick Gifs.

ben franklin like itWe often think that tabloid journalism emerged in recent years with the birth of such toilet trench reporting as TMZ. But in 1729, 40-some years before the revolution even started, Benjamin Franklin was publishing a tabloid newspaper that had the first-ever sex advice column.

 

“Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress” is a letter by Benjamin Franklin dated June 25, 1745 in which Franklin counsels a young man about channeling sexual urges. Ben wrote what should have been the ultimate cougar manifesto when he advised a younger man that an older mistress is a better choice. Franklin lists seven reasons why an older mistress is preferable to a young one. Advantages include better conversation, less risk of unwanted pregnancy, and greater prudence in conducting an intrigue.

 

“The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.”

 

founding fathers banging

 Meanwhile, Franklin’s “solid marriage” has largely been forgotten about in descriptions as a “foxy grandpa” having “sexual appetites of gargantuan proportions.   Big Ben had Anna-Louise d`Hardancourt Brillon de Jouy. And Madame Helvetius. And Margaret Stevenson. And Polly Hewson. And Madame Foucault. And Countess Diane de Polignac. And Countess Wilhelmina Golowkin. And Catherine Ray. And Georgiana Shipley. And Madame Le Veillard. And Madame Le Roy. And Countess Houdetot. . . And, of course, Deborah Read, his wife of 38 years.

 sign declaration of independance founding father

 Boy These “Fathers of the Constitution” are giving me some daddy issues I never knew I had.  (Yes I did).  

I guess it’s fair to criticize July 4th as a tacky display of faux-patriotism.  But it doesn’t have to.   July 4th gives us Americans the opportunity to celebrate “the better parts” of America.  I fly the flag to be grateful for the opportunities in education, health, and safety, that (while not perfect) are still better than those in other parts of the world.  So all you peeps hating on America shut your pie hole and count your blessings.   People fought and died for your ass, to grant you the freedom to download all that clown porn and afforded you the opportunity in not having to learn the metric system.

4th of july gettys burgh reinactment

So get out there and start loving America’s loins.  Bond with your fellow man.  Maybe attend one those historical reenactments.  Embrace the many threads that have held our nation together for centuries.  Or at least get the blenders flowing and mix up a fresh Margarita for our Founding Fathers, who preached safe, rollicking sex without ageism. 

show you pride founding fathers

 This holiday post was brought to you by PUSH POP:

brought to you by push pop

Also brought to you by:

brought to you by sunscreen

Just a friendly reminder:  Fireworks look even more beautiful when you’re not checking your iPhone.  If you are mid scroll come join me on Facebook.  Together we can get shit faced and drunk dial England. 

july 4th royal painsexy 4th

 

It’s Hump Day So Release Your Inner Crotch Hog….. Have A Nooner

oral with fishnets

I don’t watch soccer.  If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I would take my ex-boyfriend out to a bar.  Speaking of wieners that give you the barfs….

hurdles hump day friday almost there blog

If you are like me, you are caught mid hurdle in the center of a work week. You are eying Friday like a fat kid eyes up a Happy Meal. Perhaps you are groggy. Or grumpy. Or one of those “g” words. You just spent about an hour of your morning commute crammed on a subway with homeless people and inconsiderate Russians selling fake Duracell batteries. And the first thing you hear when walking through the hallowed halls of HELL (with fluorescent lighting,) is someone trying to one-up you because they arrived 20 minutes before you did. 

My co-worker approaches me wearing a table cloth with buttons and khakis so tight, his crotch has a permanent wedgie.  His gut-fat literally hangs lower than his dick and ball sac.  He pauses.  Then he looks at me like a Krispy Kreme donut and unfurls the one-liner he has been working on all week…  Thanks for coming in!  Glad you could join us!”

blogging loudly delight

 

Whaaat?   What in the Fatty Arbuckle going to a funeral HELL is he talking about?   IT IS FUCKING 7:30 AM!!!   Clearly not enough time for the Morning Transit Fairy to issue me a ball of meth and V.I.P. access into a rave.  What fun does this pencil peen troll think I was having over him at 7am? It should be in every employee handbook a rule stating: If any person who is not your direct superior says,  “Thanks for coming in!” you should be able to take out an aerosol can of keyboard spray cleaner and unload all of its poisonous contents directly down their throat.

Now if you work in a cubicle, where the harsh waves of reality slowly erode your soul like water upon rock on a day to day basis, you might find yourself needing a slight pick me up for the spirit.  And nothing enhances a mood better than an orgasm.   So what do you get when you combine an orgasm and a work day together?

A PROMOTION!

office spank

Why?  It has always worked for me in the past. 

man pointing react

Fine.  Whatever.  Have it your way.   Let’s go with talking about a NOONER then.

 

nooner jig delight

Yeah.  I thought you would be happy about this post.  Now for the rest of you unfamiliar with that slang term:

 

Noon·er  (no͞onər/ noun)

Defiined – Sex done at lunch, on a lunch break or around noon. Like maybe with that hot new minx of a temp from accounting.  Example: We slipped into the janitor’s closet and pounded out a nooner.

cublicle guy delight

Office sex works great providing you don’t work in a cubicle with this guy.  Office sex isn’t about scented candles and mood lighting, it’s about getting fast and furious on someone you shouldn’t, somewhere you shouldn’t. Then getting the fuck outta there. 

office sex map delight

Forget career suicide.  Flirting at the copy machine is for pussies.  How else does one make it through the daily grind if not to grind off a bean or two during the day?    Above is a map of all the best spots to rub beans within a work place.  If these percentages are accurate people are beaning so much they could make a cooter casserole.  Hand Sanitizer has never been so welcomed.

Depending on how good looking your co-workers are office sex might not be the most pleasurable of viewing choices when stumbled upon. Like going into the conference room and witnessing a tongue fuck session with your 59 year old boss and his 23 year old male assistant, an image that cannot be unseen, and not exactly what one needs to see after eating a carton of leftover enchiladas.

Before I started working at a law firm, I worked in project management in construction.  Although the theme works great in porn movies, I had to learn the hard way that a construction site isn’t really a conducive environment for sex romps.  While rubbing loin parts in the cab of a tower crane 265 feet high off the ground might sound exciting, rolling in masonry dust, tobacco chew and sweaty peen nectar while your anus is pierced with a Rebar rod, is not.  So let this serve as a memo to all you tool belt wearing gents…   Women want their labia caked with sawdust about as much as finches want a birdhouse that smells like vagina.

 So where does one go to grind Sascrotch if the office is off limits?  Below are some suggested locales that should help stratospherize your diurnal jollies.  

 

Top 5 places for a nooner.

should help stratospherize your diurnal jollies
should help stratospherize your diurnal jollies.Top 5 places to have a nooner:

1.  In a park

 

nooner park

 

2.  Car

 

road head swerve delight

 

3.  Restroom stall at the Waffle House

 

restroom sex delight 2

 

4.  Hotel (But don’t get locked out like this guy did.)

 

hotel door

 

5.  Glory Holes

 

glory hole delight

In life there are no bad ideas.  Just good ideas gone horribly wrong. Sex in kinky locations should realistically start and stop with fucking a chain link fence or anything that turns a peen into shredded dick meat.   Maybe you should opt to bone at home instead?
sex delight on floor

The best part of a nooner, besides the boning part, is the stuff building up to one. Since there’s no time for foreplay, you’ll need to stimulate each other with some cerebral fucking. Gents: This where all those erection pics you’ve been stockpiling come into play. 

 

upload phone dick pics penis saying

 When sexting remember to avoid using words like “penetrating” or “pulsing,” which makes your peen sound like a disembodied heart of a butchered mammal.  Next ladies: if you find you and your fella are in a sex rut, text him an invite him into your honey hut. 

sexting wrong number

Avoid using emoticons which give off as much intense raw sexuality as a trip to Carpet Barn.  Don’t get overly wordy.  Your overall goal is to wet your partners seduction whistle for nookie, not write a final draft for the upcoming 50 Shades of Grey movie. Sexting is your genitals resume to the bed cred you can provide. So be technicolor.

 

fast food speak delight

burger king

By the way don’t forget to pack some lunch for nibbling on afterwards. The high from a quickie will only last so long before hunger sets in and blood sugar levels drop.

faints

Yeah.  Kinda like that. 

Many people say that morning sex is the best but I say Bollocks!   Nooners or afternoon romps offer the best time to showcase those yummy drilltastic thrusts you’ve been reading about in Men’s Health.  Unless you are one of those shiny happy morning people, your energy level is at half mast until you get your first cup or coffee or wake up shower.   Even those marathon sexcapades that happen in the wee hours of the morn can sometimes lack the spontaneous joie de vivre and raw gratuitous raunchiness that a midday spelunking session provides.

quickie afternoon delight


Somebody hand me a bedazzled Kleenex, because a pristine tear of happiness slides down my cheek every time I think of couples bonding after reading one of my blog posts.  To further inspire you  I end with the most celebrated nooner songs of all time.  May your loins spend the afternoon shaking like a tire rod on a speeding Bronco.  Enjoy.

 

Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight

bad date break free
My motto’s always been; when it’s right, it’s right
Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night
When everything’s a little clearer in the light of day
And we know the night is always gonna be there any way

blow job floweea afternoon delight

Thinkin’ of you’s workin’ up my appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight

sex retro

Rubbin’ sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite
and the thought of rubbin’ you is getting so exciting

orgasm rocket afternoon delight

Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight

 date with a trout fish ideas

Started out this morning feeling so polite
I always thought a fish could not be caught who wouldn’t bite
But you’ve got some bait a waitin’ and I think
I might like having a little afternoon delight

orgasm in colors afternoon delight

Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight

 water bed

Please’ be waiting for me baby when I come around
We could make a lot of lovin’ ‘for the sun goes down

 hungry seduction

Thinkin’ of you’s workin’ up an appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight

sky rocket in flight delight
Rubbin’ sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite
And the thought of rubbin’ you is getting so exciting

 cock rocket afternoon delight

Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight

orgasm bitches afternoon delight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight

afternoon delight afternoooon

Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight

hump day office day

There Is No Measure One Can Put On Our Love… Just In Case, Here’s $5 For Cab Fare.

 

snarky blog cab fareGents have you ever been jerking yourself a soda to a tempo akin to “Pop Goes the Weasel” played at half speed, thinking:  Why Don’t I Have A Live Woman On The Other Side Of This Erection?  Maybe you craved a woman so much that on a whim you made yourself a semi-female-shaped DIY Fuck Me Doll from duct tape, cardboard and Giant Eagle shopping bags.

sex doll homemadePersonally, I have seen more aesthetically pleasing things come up after I’ve snaked a toilet, but I try not to judge what a gent finds his erection inside of.  If I found issue with every boyfriend that I caught using a can of Spaghetti-O’s as a fleshlight, I would be a carpet muncher by now.  And then I never would have been inspired to surgically implant a can of SPAM into my anus. 

spam commercialWe all get lonely at times.  So let’s be honest.   Some dudes are a tad more skilled in schmoozing snatches into a peen ride than others.  Some gents are just born with a natural charm or some kind of vaginal beacon that attracts women.  Some rely on fit abs or Disney cartoon chiseled looks.  While others may use their celebrity or money in luring vaginas to their feeding trough.  There are those with talents that set them apart from the rest, or those creative types, who use a more avant-garde approach in getting noticed:

dating eat me seduceThere are varying degrees of success in the method above, but the good news is that most women grade on a curve. 

There are of course those defeated dating flunkees.   You can smell the desperation wafting off them like NYC garbage after a four day holiday weekend.  They’re trying to sell you their dick like it’s a 2011 Honda Civic with only 20,000 miles when it’s really just an ’84 Chevy Nova on cinder blocks in the backyard.  These types maybe works in progress but remain clueless not  knowing how to seduce a woman even if a surefire method came up and nipped one in their ball sacs. 

jenga seduction  AHEM.  You might want to hold off on that cockular Jenga move.   What if I told you that the only thing keeping you from getting the most amazing (living, breathing)  woman of your dreams, was your inability to manipulate her in the manner that she so craves? 

You see, most women (like me) think: “Gee, I hope some walking polyp with the depth of spilled milked, drenched in too much AXE spray, hair gel, and self tanner will approach me tonight.  A gent that can channel his insecurity into Leisure Suit Larry swagger and manipulate me into a wanton desire to bathe in his peen nectar. That’s where YOU come in.  Yeah YOU, the one drowning in Doritos dust and despair.  Snap out of it!   There are vaginas out there just ripe for your picking.  All you need is a toolbox with PUA pruning shears. 

dating girlfriend how to

Pick-Up Artists (or PUAs, as they lovingly call themselves) are the modern day equivalent of a dating coach.  But for a penis.  PUA’s believe that any gent laced with an arsenal of gimmicks, manipulative techniques, edgy banter, and bottled swagger (oh, and feathers) will get a woman to swoon just long enough to be deluded into having sex with him.   Spoon-feeding a basic seduction ideology that every woman wants to be objectified and every dude only wants a warm hole to objectify.  So obviously the market is saturated with books, DVDs, and online seminars on the subject.  There are even some dudes willing to spend as much as $5000 bucks on “How to snare a woman and have her begging to bone ONE MORE TIME” boot camp weekends.  All told there is no shortage of cynical charlatans eager to exploit a dude’s insecurity to make money.   Which is why this fall look for my new book entitled:

boner seduceForget war, disease, famine and Tara Reid movies, the real problem in this world is that men are walking around with their erect meat swords swaying, without a warm hole to stick them in. Boners be damned. Why do bitches have to be so damn choosey?  

shoo shoo retort

Now imagine a world without rejection.  Where your overinflated, pus-filled ego makes a dent in the vaginal universe.  Where in the mere snapping of your fingers, you become king of all cooter, getting women to drop to their knees swimming in panty pudding.

swagger snap seduce


 Armed with nothing more than aviator’s goggles and a feather hat, you approach a gaggle of women.  You choose one from the inventory before you, whose lips would look best wrapped around your cock.   You know you must insult her, for she must become dependent on your approval.  It goes something like this:

You: Wait a minute.  No.  It can’t be.

Blow Job Lips: What can’t be?

You: I was just checking you out and I was wondering whether you’re pre or post-op.

Blow Job Lips: I don’t understand.

You:  Of course you don’t.  You need someone to think for you….   Great hair. Looks silky as shit. Is it real?

Blow Job Lips: (Bewildered stare of excitement) Wha…  what?  I don’t….

You: You buy it? A weave? Horse hair? Dumb cheap hooker.

Blow Job Lips: (Clearly smitten) Wow. Who are you?

You: Get lost.

Blow Job Lips: Here’s my number. Call Me!

You: Doubt it.

seduce works every

There are many different schools that teach this method, but most trace their inspiration back to one cockular sensei, Ross Jeffries, who founded “Speed Seduction” in 1988. The movement achieved real prominence in 2005, with the publication of Neil Strauss’s book The Game, in which he described his own journey into this odd subculture.

The current level of male assholitivity is the same as in past years, it’s just that social media, VH-1, and Oxygen television help bring out the worst of the worst and in greater numbers.  And back in 2007 women  simultaneously bonded together in dry heaves when this PUA method and Erik von Markovik (a.k.a. Mystery) combined themselves in one big douchey-doo poo swirl.  You Pat Catan’s enthusiasts will probably recognize the feathers.

mystery magicLet she who has never slept with an adult man in a fur top hat cast the first stone, I always say.  Especially when the Gay Tendencies Store is always out of grey t-shirts and fugly washed jeans.

seduce peacockYeah.  Whatever.

Mystery wrote the famed misogynist materpiece, “The World’s Greatest Pick-Up Artist,” a title equal in prestige to “Sock Salesman of the Month.” From there he went onto host VH1′s reality show “The Pick-Up Artist,” where women followed him and his Cheeze Whiz posse around like puppies waiting for their next treat. 

Having a cult following second only to Scientology, Mystery decided to start teaching his Snag-A-Snatch-Method to the public.  Because it takes a certain kind of dating guru well versed in fashion, wit, and black nailpolish to transform the first scary and horrible seconds, that an insecure cum nozzle has in meeting a woman, into a controlled and emotionally risk-proof transaction.  So for around $2500, any dude with the personality of a syringe, can learn to score babes from savvy pick-up techniques handed down from a Mystery weekend bootcamp.

MYSTERY’s advice coaching sorcery wields a cockular confidence spell like a modern day Prospero. Turning a brittle ego and average penis into a tourist attraction for the vaginal masses, complete with blue-flavored Sno-Kones and stuffed whale souvenirs.

mystery methodThere are 9 components to the Mystery Method, all of which is broken down into 3 basic elements of seduction: Attract, Comfort, Seduce.   Upon which you will then be successful in snaring a cooter for grinding.

react mental erection seduce Good.  You have fun with that. 

The altruistic goal in this bag-a-ho skill set is to give guys a confidence crutch in breaking the ice and start a panty remover convo which is: 30% gimmick and 20% presentation (being clean, sharply… well reasonably dressed, smell good (not marinating in Drakar)), and slapping that beer gut in some man Spanx.  The rest of the percentage revolves around a glue gun and feathers.

Next you must align yourself with a tosser name. The aforementioned Neil Strauss went under the pseudonym of “Style”.  Others have called themselves “Juggler”, “Formhandle”, “Ice Dragon” (seriously), and perhaps best of all “Gunwitch.”  

man thoughts

Don’t strain yourself.  Too much Masters of the Universe thought going on up there, I guess.  Well, I kinda dig “LongBone Wetsickle” if you need a mental nudge.

Okay gents, before we go further, you must suspend belief that all women are actually your intellectual equals.  Think of them more like mini cum slot hybrids whose legs swing open in some Pavlovian response when presented with the right dick meat stimulus.  Oh, you thought that anyway? Good! You are halfway way there.

Now it is time to suck in the well developed pseudo-technical language.  Then as a PUA you can flex your EQ (emotional muscle) and with a good “negging” you will be able to pick up all those HB’s (Hot Babes) with DBDL (Doggy Bowl Dinner Looks.)anger or breaking the ice with women online dating

  There are countless ways one can break the ice during a cockular encounter.  Some don’t include the use of a baseball bat either.  PUA’s endlessly stress the importance of a good opening line teamed with a good NEG.  Negging is the most well known PUA technique of dropping subtle insults into a conversation in order to “lower a girl’s social value in relation to yours.” A proper NEG means everything that comes out of your mouth has been cut up with pinking shears, chopped up with a rusty machete and run over by several Mack Trucks.

Keeping with the spirit of this piece I have created some cool NEG pick up lines you can use for any occasion. 

pick up line get now

NEG Pick Up Lines:

Is that your ass or a horse? Either way I want to mount you.

If you’re anything like your mom, we’ll have a great time tonight.

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven… cuz it looks like you landed on your face.

You’re just how I like my coffee – bitter and diarrhea-inducing.

I like that dress.  I would like it better on a thinner girl.

Just because Chipotle is closed doesn’t mean your legs have to be.

pick up 1 seduce

pick up 2

pick up 3

pick up 4 Once you’ve mastered negging and graduated from Douche Nozzle University, you’re ready for the next phase: Seeding the Pull.

masturbate when do you Nope.  I didn’t mean pulling your own seed, snooks.

Seeding The Pull: Preemptively talking about your apartment or a location that is conducive to sex.

blah blah mystery date seduce

Seeding the pull is a key component of a PUA’s game in seduction.  In any great story, the narrative usually foreshadows or mentions an event before it actually happens. For example, you talk about the True Blood episodes you have been watching in your apartment, or playing Jenga, or the new Assassin’s Creed game you just purchased. You talk about these things innocently in the early part of the date, so that later on, there is a legit excuse to bring her back to your place to do whatever it is you suggested.

fucking or what date mystery

This accomplishes several things: It sykes a gal into thinking you actually share similar interests to hers.   It allows her to not feel like a sperm burping gutter trollop when she wakes up covered in your man gravy because you both agreed to checkout your Golden Girls DVD collection earlier.  It gives you a legitimate way to lead her.  It makes her feel more comfortable and feel the pull less. 

have a bonerNot yet Slim Jim.

According to Mystery, developing a solid game means sharing at least seven hours of time with her–whether over the course of one night or several days–before having sex.   Here are five subtle signals–known in the pickup-artist community as IOIs (or indicators of interest)–that let you know when a woman is attracted to you.

 Five Indicators of Interest

1. She asks you, without prompting, what your name is and what you do for a living shortly after meeting you.

2. She changes her opinion about a song or movie based on your own opinion of it.

3. You lean back and she leans toward you.

4. You take her hand and she squeezes yours.

5.  She says, “I’m not sleeping with you” before you’ve asked her to.  

Another indicator that a woman is interested that didn’t make the list…

erection threat seduceFinally, after establishing attraction, comfort, and a pseudo emotional connection, you are ready to rub your furry crescent roll on her taco.

you get a taco 1you get a taco 3

 

taco day

Now you might think the real mystery to this method is not in his technique but in why men follow this advice in the first place.  But romance and swine have had a sordid history at best.  It should come as no surprise to learn that there are oodles of women who gobble up this crap served by these fuck pigs.  As long as there are guys out there who CAN successfully and seemingly effortlessly seduce women, there will be other men who will want that skill too. It’s like watching people leave a Casino with wads of cash. “I want to be a winner too!” Never mind the broke and angry guys you passed on the way into it.

 douchey sayings seduce  The pickup artist community is one that unfortunately tends to conglomerate online. With many frustrated keyboard jockeys sitting around at their computers advising each other on how to get laid. Like baseball card enthusiasts, they are obsessed with collecting numbers and statistics; many keep detailed records of every close or closing encounter.

If a dude tried to use this pick up method on me, I would just smirk and hand him some crayons, a juice box along with a mayonnaise sandwich.  A PUA isn’t to be put down, he is to be pitied.  Anyone who is dim enough to buy into the “seduction community’s” harebrained evolutionary psychology, whereby one can use “facts” about “the female brain” to get women to do what they want, is also too dim to immediately realize when they’ve encountered a troll.

Men, if you’re having trouble getting women to respond to your messages on dating sites, here’s a suggestion: just ask us.  Who knows more about getting into a vagina than someone who has one?  If you want to know our preferences then all you have to do is ask.

sex question

That would be a NO.  

Gents, want my tips on getting a woman? 

Read a book. Regardless of getting laid, nobody really likes dumb people.  Develop a personality: If every other sentence you say starts with “Dude” or “I was on the internet and saw…” stop.  While you are at it, check your decency DNA.  In other words, don’t be a pretentious asshole.

Lower your expectations: 9 times out of 10 you’re probably not going to get laid, boo-fuckiddy-hoo. But guess what? When you do actually get laid, you’ll probably have some sort of emotional connection with the person instead of just an anatomical one.

so fetch react seduceI kinda hope that in another 20 years, “pick-up artist” will be a diagnosis in the DSM, perhaps signs of inability to cope with intimacy and rejection … or something.  There’s nothing wrong with helping people learn how to make stronger romantic connections or even get rolling in cooter juice more often. But pick-up artists seem more concerned with staving off rejection at all costs by gamifying human interaction.  It seems to be, at its core, “how to fake having more depth than spilled milk” just long enough to bone genitals.

You don’t need to consult PUAs or DrStrangerLove to help you find a hearts connection.  It does not matter whether or not you are wearing a begoggled furry top hat or carrying the fingerbones of a drowned widow in your boot or sacrificing a golden hind to Ares every morning. There is no magic trick that will get you laid.

dude crying

Sorry to drop sad on you like that.  

Women can smell when you just want to collect them like the next action figure in the series, and nobody likes it. A man who is confident, intelligent, witty, funny and most importantly shows an interest in me, and me alone, has the ability to set my loins ablaze.  Like most women, I don’t need a deep emotional connection to have hot sweaty bangover sex.  I just need to feel I’m not the answer filled in on a gent’s “Getting Laid” mad-lib.  I don’t want to be the woman you want to fuck because “I’ll let you.”  I want to be the woman you want to fuck because you want to dissolve between my thighs. 

This post was brought to you by…

dating 1 seduce

dating 2 seduce

And these seduction tips couldn’t come a moment too soon…..

no panty dayThat’s right this Sunday is No Panty Day (not to differentiate that from any other day of the week for me.)  Two days before the official start of summer is an excellent time to go al fresco don’t you think?

panty drop slowJust remember ladies, it’s also the Sabbath so you might want to think twice about going commando at church.  Think WWJD y’all.  I mean Jesus didn’t have a vagina, but I am sure if he did, he wouldn’t be flashing it in the house of the LORD.  Nobody likes sitting on a pew with cooter juice drops on it.  Besides God is watching.  Waiting to cast your morally decayed soul and all that porn you watch into eternal darkness of hell.  Not wearing panties to church just makes it that much easier for him to do so.

fear of god into my bonerpanty no body got time

 

Pussy Whisperer? Naw, I Am Just The Neighborhood Cat Lady. I Got A Cape And Shit

cat loving blog ryker

Cats are like boyfriends.  When they stop bringing you dead things you should worry.

 

 Anybody know how to get wine stains off a cat?  I ask, because while Ryker is away on business travel, I am cat-sitting his pussy until his return. 

 

Cute and harmless right?  

cat cat

 Fast forward to an hour later.

cat bathroom asshole

Anyway at the moment the “little purrkins” is coated four-paws-deep in Merlot. (A distinctive full-bodied ”Napa Valley Merlot” from 2003 with dark berry fruit, a touch of mint, and balanced structure … Cat and I find it a good value at the $15 price point.)

 

 There’s that something about cats not being too keen on baths, but can we assume it is cool to spritz them with Spray n Wash and put em in the dryer on “fluff”?

 

ryker cat threatIf pet sitting, baby sitting, cactus sitting are any indication, I don’t think this caregiver thing comes natural to me.  At first I was digging on the fact that I had someone around to talk to who didn’t interrupt my stories.  Sure, but that was before that furry grimalkin started judging me. Cat eyes full of utter disdain and disapproval … much like Oprah squinting at Lindsey Lohan for celebrating sobriety with shots of tequila. 

 

Of course there ARE times when Cat seems really interested in what I have to say — only to randomly interrupt to run out of the room to take a shit.  Although, Ryker does the same when I start talking anyway. But he doesn’t use the litter box for his stink bombs.

 

My typical conversation with Cat goes something like this:

–”What are you staring at?”

–”Quit looking at me like that.”

–”Get off that.”

- “No, it does not make me look fat.”

–”Get down from there.”

–”Quit judging me.”

–”Really my red shoes? You couldn’t manage to yak on the carpet?”

–”Did you wash your paws after you took a crapper?”

–”No, I am not drunk.”

–”What is the status of our relationship at this moment?”

–”Are you f*cking kidding me, I just FED your ass!”

 

cat roller coaster ryker

 

While on the subject of stink bombs, WHY IS IT the very second you change the litter box, the cat will appear and take the worst dump of his life in it? Yep, cats are full of shit. They are poop machines much like their  wild  ancestors. Difference is, those big cats big poops are in the jungle, covered as well, but I don’t recall the last time I saw a tribesman having to scoop up the clumps 

 

Despite my issue with “dyscalculia” I have done some math calculations on this topic:

 

cat math ryker

When not napping or judging me, Mr. Cat is taking a crapper.  And worse, when done he comes over to rub his butt in my face like a stripper working for tips at the Libido Lounge. 

 

It’s not necessarily their fault. I think it is ours. We civilized humans have accepted the idea that a hippie vegan human-like carbohydrate/veggie/fiber enhanced diet is somehow appropriate for a feline carnivore with a straight-through simple gut evolved for raw meat consumption ONLY (with the occasional grass chew). Ask your cat to smile: Look at those demonic and dangerous pointy needle teeth.

fang cat

 

Those are not the teeth of a vegetarian.

 

cat ufo zap rykerIt is as though these alien beasts are transported to us from another world.  They all share in a universal unspoken secret language which reveals membership in the clique of a furry subculture.  I will never understand the telepathic nuances or other subtle ways of communicating with wild animals, but I know this cat hates me.  He spends countless hours watching me in complete withdrawn silence.  No doubt plotting my demise. 

 

So that I don’t foil his plan, he will lock eyes with mine, tilt his head to one side, softly blink, then reveal a sinister, hypnotic stare. “Soon Bitch…. your flesh will go nicely with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

 

ryker cat

My biggest gripe is that my once cherished privacy is no longer even remotely sacred, as his most enjoyable form of entertainment is to interrupt my masturbation schedule. 

 

cat fetishYeah, a pussy with a severe voyeurism fetish. Whenever Cat hears the vibrator engine start to crank, he comes running to get a front row seat.  Choosing his moment to pounce on my vibrator, timed perfectly to my almost “OOOH GAWD RI-RI-RIGHT THEEERRRRE” climax. Then BOOM! He attacks the vibrator like a prehistoric Smilodon, digging his claws into my cooter in the process.

 cat watching masturbation

Animals watching me masturbate or having sex has long been creepy to me. I have always believed that dead relatives are reincarnated into future pets anyway. So having sex in front of them … well, it’s like having sex in front of your comatose grandma. Cats: the ultimate cock blocker.

 

Fully engrossed in my orgasm, I will be moaning, yelling and flopping around like I am having an allergic reaction to peanuts, then mid thrust … I look up to Cat’s penetrating death stare. Performance anxiety calling… BLEEERING!!!    

 

 cats sex

Of lesser importance, but perhaps significant, are those attempts on my life. 

cat stalker rykerMy apartment has an open concept design where, from my bedroom upstairs, one can see the living room below.  It is pretty cool. One could essentially sniper someone walking to my kitchen from the perch of the bedroom landing above. Cat knows this.  He has scoped it out, and paced it off. On more than one occasion, I have spotted Cat nestled to my landing like Lee Harvey to the School Book Depository.

 cat gun school depos

 Silly, you say? Who would sell a cat ammunition, you say?  I suggest you walk this gauntlet in my boots.  There’s a ledge between my bed and the view below, where a mere flick of a tail or a casual nudge can enlist gravity in a diabolical conspiracy.

 

I am now convinced Cat finds much enjoyment in launching objects from above that narrowly miss my skull. Anything bedside becomes a sadistic weapon for those Satan paws: coins, candles, books, handcuffs, lube — all potential projectiles of death.

 

cat murder attempt

 

Okay, whatever.  Maybe Ryker’s cat isn’t trying to kill me. Maybe he is just really skeptical of the theory of gravity and feels the need to subject it to constant testing.

 

 Listen people – snark all you want, but cats are not to be fucked with. If cats develop opposable digits, we’re screwed. They will take over. All these videos of cats doing adorable cutesie things are part of the cat community’s master plan. They’re going to trick us into thinking they love us, and just when we let our guard down they’re going to make us their slaves like in Children of the Corn. I repeat … cats aren’t to be fucked with.

 

 cat attack rykerWe all remember when police had to be called for a 22-pound Himalayan cat that held a Portland family hostage in their bathroom.

 

 “He’s trying to attack us,” Lee Palmer said, “He’s very, very, very, very hostile.” The cat can be heard in the background meowing his satanic death cry.

cat hell ryker

 

It should come as no surprise when cats attack us. Cats are the genetic descendants of the greatest predators on earth. Kings of the jungle, top of the food chain. Now they are forced to poop in boxes and have their balls willy-nilly whacked off by people whose forefathers were routinely eaten by cats-fathers. And nobody thought a thing about it. Cat got your tongue? Oh well, at least it didn’t get the rest of you.

 

 Say what you will about these furry cunt balls, but they actually provide a service to those of us with social deficits or those peeps who are a tad undatable.  At a certain age for most single women, comes attached this myth that your vagina is already rented out by winter by a dozen furry tenants.  For decades, the cat lady has become the symbol of eternal spinsterhood, a sort of cultural meme signifying that when it comes to finding love, you just hit rock bottom.  But in my experience, cat owners make better romantic partners. More than any other pet breed I can think of. (All you wallaroo owners out there, I’m sorry to drop a sad on you like that but it’s true.)

 cat shinning

 Here are a few reasons why you’ll want to date a cat owner:

 

 THEY WON’T MANIPULATE YOU

massage cat

So they have this thing called pet personality researchers, and believe it or not, they have found that cat owners tend to be straightforward and trusting. I kinda see the logic: If a cat is hungry, he waits by his food dish; if he’s pissed, he lunges. No sulking, bitching or mind fucks, which is a perfect match for his owner’s no-nonsense disposition. So if you want a head tease, hit up the dog park. For those who want a partner who won’t keep you chasing your tail, get trolling for pussy in the aisle at PetSmart.

 

 CATS ARE MAD SMART, DAWG

 

working cat ryker

 

Those pet researchers are at it again claiming that people who own cats are likely to be more intelligent. A 2010 study actually showed that cat owners are more likely to have college degrees, and are more likely to work longer hours in more demanding jobs. And a cat fits that lifestyle better than those overbearing, attention-seeking pet giraffes.

 

giraffe pet

 

 MINIMAL MAINTENANCE

cat dive fish tank ryker

 

Dogs require long walks, lots of companionship, and someone to pick up their shit before they eat it. Not cats. They provide their own workouts.   Cats pride themselves on being independent. 

 

Cats are self-sufficient, self-cleaning, and self-absorbed. Don’t you wish people you met on Plenty of Fish came as well groomed?

 

 TOLERANT TO YOUR BAD HABITS

cat diary

Like your couch-surfing, sleep all day, jobless, rockstar reject of an ex beau, cats are very hard to motivate. And cat owners are accordingly very tolerant. Most cat owner floors has a pile of shit balls on it, their clothes contain more hair than a YETI, and anything in a 3 mile radius of the liter box smells like cat piss. So there is approximately a zero percent chance they’ll be pissed when you leave a wet towel on the bathroom floor or screw the cap on the peanut butter too tight.

 

 LOW EXPECTATIONS ON ENTERTAINMENT

cat spin records blog rykerShiny red balls, crinkly toys, mylar balloons, or a blank wall provides hours of entertainment for a cat. If a cat chasing a laser, skidding across the kitchen floor and slamming into a sliding glass door is enough to entertain a cat lover, it won’t be so hard for you to impress during the date. Just show her how you can lick your own balls with both legs in the air.

cat tongue

 

 

 PATIENT IN HANDLING YOUR INNER ASSHOLE

when cats attack ryker

 

Cats are little assholes in fur suits. Picture the most selfish person you can think of.  

 

snarky selfishGood.  Now multiply that by at least 50.   That is a cat. 

 

It takes one to know one I guess.  That said, cats remain pretty tolerant to our asshole like ways.  Providing you don’t try to pet, play, pick up, brush, cuddle, stroke, carry, talk, nuzzle, take pics or love them without their permission first.  Put their paws on for size.  If your human picks you up and drags you somewhere without your permission, you can either try to scratch their eyeballs out or you can roll your eyes while farting on their arm.

 

 

 THEY PROVIDE A METRIC TO MOST PERSONALITY DISORDERS

 cat with satan powers

A cat hears you, but they won’t do what you tell them to. A cat will rub up against you but that doesn’t mean it likes you. Whenever you are busy, a cat will want your attention, but the moment you want to stroke that pussy it will be unavailable, asleep, half-baked on nip, or … not in the mood. In a room full of strangers, cats know whose lap they will sit in. When you bring a cat into your home everything that’s yours also belongs to the cat. When you figure out how cope with the personality of a cat, you will then have a blueprint to guide you in dealing with most women.

 

cat snap blogYou gotta admit that cats do have a cool factor.  Cat owners should celebrate, not cower in shame. Stop picturing yourself in the dilapidated house with the 86 unneutered felines scampering around waiting to eat your flesh when you die. Who cares? It will save on burial costs. Cats are a great metric to disprove whatever faulty assumptions people out there may have about you. So suck it, dog people.

 

If your gal or gent loves a cat, then chances are they will attach themselves to anything.  Even you. 

cat deal with it

This post was brought to you by MTV’s True Life: 

 

cat addicted ryker

Also brought to you by:

 

cat gender racism ryker

 Looking for ways to entertain the pussy in your life?  Then join me on Facebook.

 

snarky snatch cat promo blog ryker

 

I’ve got a plethora of ideas to share.  For example:  Want a fun bonding activity to do with your cat this weekend?  Replace the litter in you cat’s litter box with Pop Rocks.   They will love it!

shaved pussy faceb

Personally I Love When The Rain Washes Away Chlamydia But Some Prudish Whores Might Not

umbrella gartersCan anybody tell me why a flaccid penis looks like Chet from Werid Science?  In cleaning up my computer’s hard drive, I discovered I am up to my arm pits in genital pics.  Not counting the ones of my own vagina that I sent to myself after accidentally answering my own Craigslist ad.

If you search for as much porn as I do, it is only a matter of time before you find yourself wearing eye condoms in place of Google glasses. Much like my own vagina, these eyeballs have probably seen more peen than the Scientology glory hole on Tom Cruise’s birthday.

Now when not searching for porn one of my favorite things to do is to look up what is trending for Ohioans in Google. Yes. I am a woman of great intellectual past times. Small minds can’t comprehend big spirits.

to the internet raceThings currently most Googled by Ohio folk are:

1. Lebron James 2. Libertarians 3. P90X 4.Weight Watchers 5. Raccoon Hunting

Which translates to a lot of Ohio libertarians are losing weight to P90X, while trying to figure out how many Weight Watchers points there are in eating grilled raccoon.

cleveland google

Dig a little deeper in that search engine, and you’ll discover there’s a heavenly, magical place (or hell-ish, gross place depending on who you ask) where you go to share in chuckles as you rub elbows with peeps on a romantic faux Plenty of Fish date, down stale pretzels, weak and warm drinks, greasy food, and question was something in the food, or is he just an asshole?: 

stripper polle dougNo, I am not talking about the pole dancing competition held in the banquet hall of the Waffle House.   I am talking about Cleveland’s comedy scene.

cleveland fodder

Cleveland gripes often provide plenty of comedy fodder but often times these performances tread into the realm of cliché. Sure, Clown Town has birthed some pretty hefty comic giants in the past: Drew Carey, Molly Shannon, Katt Williams, Phyllis Diller, Arsenio Hall, John Caparulo, and Steve Harvey, just to name a few. 

 

But then what happened?

no big deal waffles comedy doug

Like most other cities, we saw our comedy boom in the mid-1980 but oversaturation — of clubs, comics, and television shows — led to an industrywide slump that lasted for two decades. But now much like a syphilis outbreak in Lodi, comedy seems to be on the rise again.

 

 The road to comedy success is paved with many a broken heroin needle.  You need a thick skin to live a life of rejection and watered down drinks.  Some will make it.  Most will fail.  Others will start blogging about their vagina.  There are those performers so enigmatic that you can’t stop thinking about them.  And others who take to the stage with the energy of a soft dick in a tub of ice water.

 

mike polk loveAnyone who’s plugged into Cleveland’s formidable comedy scene is probably already familiar with Mike Polk Jr. With such viral hits as “The Cleveland Tourism Videos,”  “How The New Ohio Budget Affects Your Vagina.”. Creator of HBO’s Runaway Box / Man in the Box, Cinemax and broadcasts of the basketball show “Inside the NBA” on the TNT.  What?  Still not impressed?

mike polk something from nothingMike is also a passionate philanthropist. His Something From Nothing Foundation recycles once depressing, valueless, Cleveland Browns quarter back jerseys into shelters for destitute families.  Regenerating hope from the endless carousel of disappointment that the Cleveland Browns often provide us.

mike bookMost recently Mike became an author.  A book so hilariously written that I bought a copy for every one of my personalities.

comedy stad dougThe live comedy scene in our area is incredibly diverse and much more representative than many would think – especially when you look beyond the familiar comedy clubs like the Improv or Rocksino - to a more cutting edge, renegade scene.  Perhaps the most visible renegade brands of the Cleveland alt-comedy scene is Chucklefcks. This hipster laugheteria offers an alternative comedy locale to the big clubs where local comics aren’t getting mic time. A concept originally conceived by comedian-turned-podcaster Carey Callahan, passed on to Jim Tews, and now in the hands of Ramon Rivas II.

 Rated among the nine best things about Cleveland by USA TODAY, Chucklefcks has its finger on the pulse of the Cleveland comedy circuit.  Another great thing about Chucklefcks is the price.  Main headliner nights are $10 bucks or under.  Open mic nights are FREE with reverse happy hour starting at 10pm featuring:
$5 Burgers
$5 Pizza
$5 wings
$5 select cocktails (not watered down)
$3 select drafts

 

Another stellar open mic venue organized by Anthony Savatt, is that of Stone Tavern in Kent.  A comedy performer himself, when not on stage Anthony is helping mold the chops of the still green comics, helping shape their dreams into a reality or at least provide them with a tarp to sell a few t-shirts and dvds.

 vagina joke dougvagina joke 2 dougIn the Akron area nobody makes fun of your belly or bald spot when you’re the local thumb wrestling champ. Another way is to test your comedy chops in being funny.  No, I don’t mean funny like watching your permanently constipated uncle give a toast at your wedding just 3 days out of rehab funny.  I mean really funny. One venue (not open mic) that gives up-and-comers /amateur comedians an opportunity to do just that is Funny Stop.

 

Funny Stop does for amateur comedy what phlegm does for whooping cough.  Thousands must agree (or at least the one person does who wrote it on their website) because it has been awarded the Best Amateur Comedy Competition in North East Ohio. (Cough…. wheeze…. cough) Over a span of five months, nearly 100 performers take the stage in performing 5 minutes of clean material. Then a panel of astutely clever, sexy judges then use their years of professional performing, comedy writing for stage/television experience to score the contestants routines and basically crush their life’s dreams And this past Tuesday, it steam rolled over a stage full of hopefuls to crown its new amateur comedy prince. Doug Larlam.

doug shotblonde comedy doug

Typically in Cuyahoga Falls you get a free racist/rape joke with the purchase of a large two-topping pizza, so one might be surprised to see Doug’s brand of humor. He doesn’t step to the mic to dumb down his audience with heaps of fart jokes, racist, misogynistic or culturally aggressive humor, like many of his fellow comedic compatriots make the mistake of doing. His humor is a bit more cerebral, anecdotal, and epigrammatic.

doug larlem 2

As a comedy writer, hyperbole can be expected but inevitably your private life works into your routine. There is usually no way around it.  Yet Doug doesn’t resort to that style of humor either, making it a rule to never put his current or past relationships in the cross hairs of his performing. Always testing his comedy chops, he rarely recycles material. But he takes huge gambles in doing so. I personally would like to see him start a comedy blog to channel all his comic musings and concentrate more on perfecting one specific 5 minute set. Still, I must commend any comic who is constantly evolving, creating and displaying such passion about his art. While this video isn’t the best quality, it does provide a snapshot into the budding comedic talent and bright future that awaits him.

 

 Placing second in the highest talent scores of the night, was another comedy favorite of mine: Uncle Pimpin.

 pimp daddy

Google do over.  I mean the one that tells jokes.

uncle pimpin dbay radio

 So by now you have probably discovered that if you Google Uncle Pimpin,” you get NSFW pictures of his penis and sports articles about how his wetsickle is so enormous that it can pin down a midget in a wrestling match and win. Say what you will about pimps but I am in love with this one.

 

Maybe it is his membership in the BBC, or his savvy fashion sense for shoes, hats, and all this bling, or perhaps it is found in his infectious giggle, but Uncle Pimp has that certain magic of stage presence, timing, and lightening speed retort that all comedic performers yearn for.

 

 Plus you gotta love a guy that, from behind a dumpster, will pay you 10 bucks to fuck your daddy issues away.

dumpster hoNow coming on the heels of some yummy comedic peen, are some bust a nut hilarious female comedians.

boys club reaction

What?   Oh women can’t be funny?  Nonsense.  Women are just as funny as men. But unlike a male entertainer, we don’t need a bike pump to inflate our wangs.

 

One of the most prominent, yet under-acknowledged fact is that women are funny. Notoriously it is assumed that if a woman is pretty, she won’t be funny.  One obvious explanation is that we’re so busy thinking about the next pencil peen we are going to suck off. Understandably our brains are so consumed with that, we don’t have room for any of that humor shit.  Another idea might be that every time a woman tries to tell a joke, an invisible dream-catcher telescopes out of her vagina and snatches the joke from that bitch mid air.   Not such the case with Kali Fencl.

kali fenclKali’s friendly yet sassy, offbeat storytelling style, and irreverent wit is knocking the balls off her male compatriots. She is earning street cred performing five nights a week in numerous establishments around Akron and Cleveland and writing for Cleveland Scene Magazine.

 Any female comic who is bold enough show up with a vagina and sit through 2 hours of shitty, “edgy” jokes about how she deserves to be raped and murdered because she left the house with THAT VAGINA, has more than her job cut out for her. While men get constant approbation and encouragement for their “humor” women are censored from an early age, encouraged to be less “loud,” less “vulgar” and more like a Summer’s Eve commercial. So I must give a shout out to my fellow comic vaginas who crushing ball sacks and taking names: Heather Wiswell, Audi the singer, Leslie Norris. Juanda Mayfield, Kathy Dice, and Emily Davis.

 pcp joke

E.B. White once said that analyzing comedy is like dissecting a frog: Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. Know what’s worse than an endometrial biopsy?  A comedian doing a 5 minute set talking about it.

 

If I have gained nothing else from being a comedy judge is in learning that a good comedy routine will you leave laughing so hard, it will give you butt seizures. A bad comedy routine will burn through you like your vulva drenched in jalapeno warming lube.

 stand up comedian dreams 1 doug

 

stand up  doug

I always give props to comedians who poke fun at their own handicaps, gender, race, or culture as a way to point out a larger issue. It is comedy magic when someone can inspire us to collectively recognize the absurdity of the human condition and help us to laugh, so that we can get on with the harrowing work of pressing on through the fog.

There is always a push pull as a new comic to give the audience something meaty, that will give you name recognition. Bad taste is often confused with “edgy.”

 chloroform 2If I had a dollar for every time I heard a chloroform joke, I would a have a private jet on 24 hour stand-by.  Since the invention of the erection, comedy clubs have been saturated with rape jokes.  Comedians often explain the prevalence of rape jokes by arguing that our job as cultural entertainers is to push boundaries.  It’s alright to joke about anything: racism, domestic violence, the holocaust, 9/11, AIDS, incest, rape — as long as you can make it funny. The male comic genius rejoices: “ I’m a Maverick!  I got rape jokes in my deck!” Then he jumps in the air to slap hands with his other bros like he won some sort of dick lottery.  Cool in theory you “Master of the Universe” you. Except just because you’re a “comedian” doesn’t mean you get a free pass to be a monsterous ass-sicle.

 

Granted no rapist is waiting for the green light from Gallagher to go out on a rape spree. But as a performer, you never know who is going to be in your audience. Do you really want to be slated as the Fatty Arbuckle incarnate who tells a rape joke in front of one of the Castro survivors? Common sense is like a parachute. Just because you’ve lost yours doesn’t mean you can borrow mine.

 blog humor comedy doug

Any comic reading this, let me promise you this: a rape joke never pleases the crowd like you think it does. 

 

dolphin rape people

Really?

 rape insanely not funny dick wipe

 Nope.  Still not funny.

shit aint funny comedyWant to know why?  Well, aside from the obvious perpetuation of misogynistic attitudes towards women, approval that violence is sexy when done right, and promotion of a male-dominated false sense of entitlement in rape culture, rape jokes at their core simply aren’t funny.

A typical rape joke assumes that the person telling that joke (usually a dude), is riffing on having some sex act with a woman against her will. And this where it may get confusing for the Tosh.0 whatever crowd, so pay attention. Please don’t make me get the puppets out.

 

Rape isn’t sex. Sex is sex.  RAPE is any penetration (vaginal, anal, oral) with anything (penis, fingers, objects) done WITHOUT CONSENT.  Sex is all that stuff done with consent. Since rape isn’t sex, those jokes that you are telling claiming that it is don’t make sense. Therefore, it isn’t funny. 

realize reactLight bulb clicked.  You’re welcome.

 

mime to the gutHumor is part of the armor-plate with which to resist what is already farcical enough. Performing it is a labor of love often taken for granted by audiences, even most die hard comedy fans.   For an idea of what Northeast Ohio comedy’s future might look like, I look towards:   Doug Larlham, Uncle Pimpin, Sean Sullivan, Emily Davis, Stoner-In Charge, Bill Spork, Dwayne Duke, Kali Fencl, T.M. Francis, Nell Sinn, Bob Kesler, John Burton, Heather Wiswell, Chad Weaver, Josh Volcheo, Shawn Boyd, Dan Syvanych, and Eric Brewer

bill hicks die for the flag july

dog laughing doug

 

A Taste of Summer Lovin: Like The Dicks Of Ten Thousand Lonely Truck Drivers

lick blog postIn a world of sluts I keep the wet dream alive. And no moment awakens my inner slut more than the turn of the calendar page to the month of June. Sure, it’s warmer, but something about summer transforms one … into a king of ho bag that even Sean Smithson could be proud of.

 

 Summer turns the most demure of dames into a horny Whore of Babylon. I am not alone in this. We vaginas walk among you drenched in the scent of cucumber melon tanning lotion, margaritas, spearmint gum, cigarettes, and lifeguard semen.

beach lifeguards summer postCall it mating season for homo sapiens, but much like a horned-up harem of hamadryas baboons, vaginas emerge from their underground winter lairs to partake in the yummy sampling of summer python peen. To most vaginas, penises are like brussels sprouts, you don’t know if you don’t like em until you’ve tried em. And just like brussels sprouts, best when served with a little garlic salt and a dollop of melted butter.

 

cleveland introThe shallow hedonism of the 1980s is alive and well in Cleveland come summer. The moppy swelter turns the typical downtown bar scene a hellish Lodge of doom – the streets a technicolor shit show of bad booze, goosebumpy boobs, and chlamydia run rampant.  But amidst the seasonal waft of craft beer regurgatant and humidified smegma … one finds the fervent spirit of summer love.

summer pick up post

Ahhh… the romantic implications of a summer Love. Inspiring like the polyandrous mating system of an Anglerfish. I want that. Boy meets girl, boy bites girl, boy’s mouth fuses to girl’s body, boy lives the rest of his life attached to girl sharing her blood and supplying her with sperm. Then he dies, a mere sperm donor.

 

Why no season is more suited to bumping uglies than summer, with its longer days, outdoor activities, and the fashionably whoreclad. According to Facebook, summer officially arrives when peeps change their status from “in a relationship” to “I’m ready to grind wet parts single.”

 i want dick and balls

If you are a connoisseur of loin juice, then most likely you have a winter’s worth of guilt that you can no longer wrap up in a scarf. Every vagina needs to piss and fuck wherever it wants to, and summer comes brimming with COOTER FREEDOM!!!! Summer flings go together like vinyl and hipsters, Russell Brand and herpes, Sno-Nut Donuts and blow jobs.

doughnut sex correctly

Pastry chefs, you’re welcome.

 

Summer presents one major downside to slutting out my honey hut. Sweat.  Whether we’re talking about embarrassing Rorschach patterned sweat stains on our clothes or that gross feeling of brushing against some stranger’s sticky arm, I think we can all agree that sweating is one of the worst things about summer.

 

Like thighs stuck to the lawn chair, sweaty summer sex is something to be white-knuckled through until the blessed cool winds of autumn arrive. Sweating during sex is like spending 6 hours in a Bikram yoga class, disoriented by the scent of sweaty boobs and nector peen. Since Ryker often gets randy at the sight of me in garters, corset, and fishnets, scorching summer temps during sex translates to: “deranged and dampened prostitute from a Fellini film.”

 

do not feel sexy post

Most big cities in summer are a unique sensory experience. The aroma alone impossible to duplicate unless one grills dog shit while baking peanuts, whisking in a marinade of hamburger juice run rancid. Despite this rich seasonal ambiance, apparently many of us crave an escape to the serene breezy environment of the beach. Why?

binkini summer

Sure.  That’s one reason. 

hot life guard dude

That’s another.   And there is also…

blow job on the beach post

One can picture many locales for a frisky flirtatious rendezvous, but a beach provides the perfect backdrop to carefree romps, love, and the stuff that Zooey Deschanel movies are made of.

summer body not ready post(Been there, girl.)

 

So to properly kick off this summer mating season, (along with the help of Mr. E) I bring you some very important dates to mark on your Google Calendar. Some of these are actually holidays, while some are thoughtfully created to help you get the most of this season.   Prepare the weenies and marshmallows.  Get grandma off the Hoveround.   It is time to jump start summer… the Snarky Snatch way.

 diet for summer post

June 2 National Bubba Day (BubbafromCleveo where are you?)

clinton day

June 3 Hug Your Cat Day

cat finish her

June 4 Date a Cat Lady Day

cat lady feeding

June 6 National Yo Yo Day

June 7 National Replace a Tooth day

yo yo post

June 12 Mail the Ex a Shoebox of Fecal Matter Day

June 13 Blame Someone Else Day

brought to you by thanks Obama

June 15 Smile Power Day

June 16 Power Punch a Grinning Silly Bastard Day

angry woman punch post

June 17 Eat Your Vegetables Day

June 17 Eat Vegetarian Pussy Day (in Ithaca, New York only)

summer ithaca post

June 18 International Panic Day

panic day post

June 19 World Sauntering Day

June 20 Where’s Grandpa? Day

love i dont remember you post

June 20 Take Your Dog to Work Day

June 21 National Step in Shit at the Office Day 

doggy poo

June 22  No Panty Day

work panty remover

June 23 National Pink Day

pink day 2 post

June 24 Swim a Lap Day

swim into an ass summer post

June 25 Lick a Hooker Day

cleveland hooker

June 26 What’s That Glitter Around Your Mouth, Mr. E? Day

June 27 All-out, Blow-out, Drunken Rampant Grab-An-Ass Day

grab butt

June 28 Forgiveness Day

sorry i grab your butt

June 29 Visit a Leper Colony Day

leper day

June 29 Hug Day   ( … oh  no … no)

June 30 Self Exam for Rash Day

std disease in meEx-beaus of upstate New York relax. You no longer need to text me offering me to smell your vegan dicks for imported organic lube.   For this summer I got a man! 

summer spirits post

And if my snarky, train wreck of an ass can get a man…. yours can too.

hello june post

D.B. Cooper, Hoodini, Your Orgasm & Other Things That Try To Get Away

playful passion bowl blogToday I got kicked out of the hospital.  I saw a sign saying “Stroke Patients Here” and I guess that means something completely different from what I thought it did.

Speaking of thoughts.  Ever wonder what goes through a guy’s mind during sex?   

dont cumRegardless of the effort put into that thought during sex, it can’t prevent a dude from climaxing forever.  It’s how a penis is programmed.  Every penis comes installed with a thing called “the point of ejaculatory inevitability.”  That means that at a certain point in a man’s arousal, (providing you don’t slam his ball sac in a drawer), he will be able to reach orgasm.

Men are such visual little bastards that they can find entertainment in the simplest of ocular occasions. For example, seeing a pair of hairy balls bounce against sopping labia majora is an image only a man could love. Women are a bit more complicated and much more distracting.  Want to know what women think about during sex?  

thoughts women have during sexAnd these are just the thoughts we have when the sex is good.  You should see the thoughts we have when it isn’t. 

texting bored sexOur cooters may be docked on your cock, but our minds have taken up residency elsewhere.   We can’t help it.  These here vaginas come installed with ADHD – Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) which sometimes serves as a cock block to cumming.   If we aren’t that into the sex, we are thinking of ways to get it done faster. If we are really into the sex, we are praying to God you don’t cum before we do.  Sandwiched in between all of that is the unwinding of our day, insecurities, fears, and neuroses.

thoughts many spectorThe magnitude of what goes on in our minds and in our world is bigger than your cock could ever be. We have fleeting thoughts on a wide range of things, every second of the day, no matter what (or who) we are doing. Especially during the act of sex.    During sex, 90% of the time we are just trying not to look fat, while the other 10% is devoted to our spinning mind.  We think of everything from how our butt cheeks look in that new thong, to how small your penis is, to other thoughts like, “He better not get that shit in my hair!”

Yep.  Think of it like having sex with your cat. “Oh yeah baby. Feels soooo good.  I’m almost there … oh … yeah … Oh look!  Shiny red ball!”

Some of my distracting thoughts during sex are:

thoughts during sex spector

I took my pill right?

Fuck, now I have to do laundry.

I hope he doesn’t pull out my hair extensions.

Cooter please don’t start stinking now.

Fuck! I need nail glue.

Can I please put my legs down now?

I can’t do this with my dog watching.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Right there!

OH GAWD. He wants to stay over.

Did he hear me just queef?

I hope he doesn’t shove his meat stick up my pooper.

Scandal is on in 10 minutes. I hope he cums in 8 min.

Did I defrost the chicken?

I hope he washed his penis after going to the restroom.

Why is he making that face?

You would think he would be better at this with all the porn he watches.

~~~*~*~**~@Y!&#*$&!$**$&!%

Wait. He doesn’t want to put that inside me does he?

Where did he learn THAT? He must be cheating.

Does my ass look good in this position?

Damn! I forgot to wash my bumhole.

Would my riding crop and anal hook freak him out?

This reminds me of that time I slept with Paul …

You may be in the mood for anal but you ain’t getting anything but spectatoring sex this round.

Spectatoring sex?

threesome first timeNo, that doesn’t mean your woman’s gal pal is going to watch.

Spectatoring”, is a term coined by Masters and Johnson, of watching yourself have sex being accompanied by an anxious, internal, self-conscious dialogue. Especially those thoughts about body image.

A wandering mind isn’t always a bad thing.  Why you can get a lot done in allowing your mind to disassociate, like deciding which movies you’re going to put in your queue on Netflix or remembering the name of that pizza cone place that remains open past 1am. But there is a thing called timing, and when you’re face down in sweaty balls and peen nectar…. well, it isn’t probably the best time to be thinking about scheduling your next pedicure.   Undeniably, internal chatter during sex contributes to diminished desire and decreased sexual pleasure.

Simply translated, it stops of us from enjoying this…   

woman o face 2

And reaching this…

orgasm blastOur thoughts are the ultimate cum blocker.   So why don’t we shut that thought generator down?

spectoring thoughts womanFunny thing is that when I’m not having sex, I am thinking about having it. When I am having sex, I am thinking about anything but having sex.  It is so frustrating!  There has got to be something we can do to fix this. Oprah where are you?  Fix it so I get out of my head and think with my vagina.

reaction what does oprah thinkNo?  Anyway it turns out there are mindfulness interventions we gals can try that can make us feel more connected and focused, but it entails truly controlling our minds that stop invasive thoughts and invoke a mindful focus. A complete immersion in feelings and sensations is the solution for ending spectator sex ala “being in the moment.”

porn gone wrongAs any porn actress will tell you “being in the moment” is standard Stanislavski method acting for a character’s psychological motives and personal identification with another actor when he cums on your face. But from a psychology standpoint, giving one’s complete attention to what is happening in the moment is actually called “mindfulness.”

Mindfulness has garnered attention among psychologists in recent years, although it has been part of Buddhist teachings for centuries. Recently, psychologists have found that mindfulness decreases anxiety and depression.  Even though a woman’s spinning mind isn’t her gent’s fault, he can help her stay in the moment by distracting her. 

fabio romance fantasyWe vaginas are all about our far-fetched fantasies; they’re exciting and not relationship-threatening. In real life we may not want to have a gang bang by 5 dudes at a Lube Stop while getting our oil changed, but during sex it maybe a fantasy that releases a tsunami cum flood.   Next time you are pumping your gal, use your imagination and whisper crazy erotic fantasy shit.  Maybe stuff that turns you on too (except use the ones that involves her).

ryker bedIf that doesn’t work to refocus her, try this: Pin her arms down, rub your scruff on her neck, bite her softly and whisper in her ear … “I’m going to pay your cable bill, give you a credit card to buy anything you like, and there is gift from BCBG under your bed.” Seriously if someone did this to me during sex, I would cum, like, 5000 times.

Before a vagina can fully stay “in the moment” and be “mindful,” she should first address one of the major causes that allows her mind to spector out of control in the first place… body image.

body image spectorEvery woman at one time or another is affected by a feeling of inadequacy that they are never young enough, thin enough or pretty enough.  In a world where men soak their sexual appetites in augmented, airbrushed, hairless women performing any manner of fantasies on people to produce, it is hard not to get into a false body image narrative. Porn has done for a woman’s body image, what Donald Sterling has done to mend race relations.  That’s right.  Nothing. 

porn pileOur pornified culture of distorted, enhanced imagery burdens women with unrealistic expectations about beauty with damaging ideas about what is attractive and sexually appealing to men.  But that isn’t all.  Porn has eroded our brains into thinking that the most extreme “what the fuck are you thinking?… No….NO!… don’t stick that in there, you’ll die!” as a new normal to sexy.  Today, there are vaginas with their own Twitter page.   A sex tape is now considered vanilla, as everybody worth fucking uses a live webcam anyway. 

porn taping spector  Not only do we Chaturbate ourselves while getting fucked by a Cambodian monkey, but we’ve convinced ourselves that it is extra sexy to moan like a porn star while doing it.   Of course it makes sense.  We want to please our men so naturally we want to mimic what turns them on.   So we put unrealistic expectations and pressure on ourselves to emulate our silicone jizz queen compatriots.   We get fake tits, nails, botox, collagen lips, butt injections, bleach our assholes and blast our labias.  We buy pasties, clear shoes, Merkins, bind ourselves in tummy training corsets, Febreeze our crotches and start a PornHub page.

  Despite my yummy sex life, I have my fair share of insecure moments too.  There are times mid-thrust when I look down at my own body popping out of a corset and see an exploding can of crescent rolls.   I may seek perfection, then have to remind myself that magic pixie dust isn’t sprinkled on my genitals the minute I lose 20 pounds making my orgasm the most mind-numbing, epilepsy inducing, sex romp ever.  Great sexual chemistry and good ole playful fun do that.  There are huge health benefits for a woman in not being a skinny waif though.   Don’t believe me?  In a recent study conducted by Snarky Snatch University, shows women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. 

Seriously ask most men and they will say that they prefer a woman with curves, slap worthy caboose, and a pair of juicy fun bags that bounce up and down.   A man wants to fuck a woman, A REAL WOMAN, not a little girl skinnier than a ladybug’s antennae.  No dude wants to field sympathetic looks from family and friends like he’s dating the poster child for UNICEF.  Nor does he want to bang a woman who doesn’t seem to be enjoying herself, too wrapped up in negative spectatoring thoughts. 

porn star girlfriendDo men expect their mates to look and feel like the porn stars they watch, and expect them to have the same kind of insatiable interest in sex? Sure. If you’re dating Charlie Sheen.   Just because you found “Horny Female Janitors of Taco Bell 3″ on your boyfriend’s computer doesn’t mean you should be fucking yourself with a plunger and smearing pintos ‘n cheese all over yourself.  

A man may masturbate to a porn star, but he doesn’t want to date one.  Trust me.  No guy in the history of penises has ever asked his woman, “Hey Baby, what did you do at work today?” and welcomed the response,“An entire football team, honey.  Let’s do oral!” Men get off on being the only cock in the hen-house.   No dude wants to be giving face time to his woman’s cooter with other dude semen dripping out of it like a squeegee.

Having a porn star girlfriend would also mean having porn sex EVERY TIME that you have sex.  Sure it sounds great in theory, but executing that in real life would be exhausting.  Not to mention the costs in costumes, lighting crew and professional fluffers.  Besides most dudes are good for 20 minutes max.  Then they are thinking of sandwich toppings.  Sometimes you just want a quickie.  Something to take the edge off.  That is another reason why porn works well for men.  It is like fast food. But with boners. 

porn star without make upA porn star transformation.   What a porn star boyfriend actually wakes up next to.

 Don’t blame dudes.  If anything we saddle ourselves with the burden of perfection; chasing that puffed up illusion sucks the “O” right out of our sex lives.  In a typical healthy relationship, it isn’t our boyfriends or husbands putting us under a microscope… we do it to ourselves. 

Sure, there will always be those dudes that seek out a plastic hybrid of a Barbie. But those dudes usually wear too much hair gel, masturbate to octopus anime porn and aren’t getting much sex anyway.  Not saying a fella doesn’t want a woman who tries to stay in shape and takes care of herself. But often what a woman deems as a sexy, isn’t what men find sexy.  One dude’s issue with a woman’s weight is another man’s reason to buy flour.  Sexy comes in all shapes and colors. Confidence is sexy. Being in the moment is sexy. A good blow job when done correctly…. always sexy.

bj suck it spectorThe intensity of the sexual experience has little to do with the size of your thighs and everything to do with the nature of your relationship, the quality of attention and mindful presence habitually employed by both partners in their interactions.  When we allow ourselves the experience of an orgasm, we reveal ourselves more completely and more honestly than we do at any other time.  We surrender our ego, and we have the chance to experience a true connection with another person.  

strip away rykerSo shed those fears.    In a dude’s mind everyone’s sexy when a dick is wafting on twat.   When the sex is good he isn’t paying attention to your flaws.  He is busy with his own head full of issues like his own performance, cock size, and trying not to cum.   Men are so excited to be getting laid at all that they would barely notice if we passed a kidney stone through our asshole.   

This post was brought to you by….

brought to you by porn starAnd brought to you by:  McDonalds…

mc lovin itCraving more of my Snatch?  Join me on Facebook.  Later we can role play.   I’ll be Burger King and you’ll be McDonalds.  I’ll have it my way and you’ll be loving it.

snake bite porn world

 

 


Important Announcement. Wait. Is That An Airplane In Your Vagina Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

blog f u bach I would like to consider myself a work of art.   Although depending on the penis you talk to, one might consider me a piece of work.  Blog life is much like thug life.  It hard, dawg.  It hard.

thuggin exept sundaysAs any blogger will tell you, it isn’t easy over-sharing your sex and dating life. Teaming the right photo to reflect the appropriate sentiment of a cum stained moment.   Lately I have been viewing so much porn for this blog, that I now spit on my apartment door lock before putting the key in. 

So it’s only natural in my wanting to take a slight sabbatical from the porn sewer that is my performing life.  Channel my creative juices to more subtle, positive outlets.   Create a work of art that bears no mention of semen and anal hooks.  Something toned down enough that you could share it with your co-workers or post it on Facebook.  For once, I could write a blog piece that doesn’t showcase shots of my cooter or Ryker’s vagina wrecker of a penis.

blog nudity disappoint

You know what I have always wanted to write about?   Issues plaguing our world.  Current events.   News worthy shit.  Real topics that contain meat.  So meaty that Anderson Cooper would feature it, getting him to explode into a cloud of excitement and silver panty pudding.

anderson reactionSure, you could get your news from a more accurate, more worthy, more reputable outlet.  Perhaps receive it in a more timely fashion.  But then their news wouldn’t contain GIFs like this…. 

weird cat Or this…. 

top post blog…..now would they? 

worried news blogThanks Jim.

news co anchorWould it surprise you to learn that I got my start in broadcasting in hard news?  Yep.  While most of you 90s babes were still in diapers, I was honing my craft alongside some pretty major media heavy weights.  

So this is my chance to return to my roots!   Feature REAL NEWS in REAL TIME!!  (Only delayed a few days…weeks… or until I get around to creating GIFs for it.)  Enough with the delays.  Time to check the AP Wire, roll the ticker, cue the intro…. SNN  (Snatch Network News) is here!

breaking newsFirst up…. US Airways has concluded that the airline’s tweet of a woman with a toy plane in her vagina was just a silly goof made by an employee who was just trying to report someone else for posting the vagina airplane picture. It was an honest mistake anybody could make. So no one is getting fired.

Hush, you Puritans.  Let those among us without an image of a lady inserting a plane into her vagina copied to our clipboard cast the first stone.

For reasons that are still unclear, the airline’s official Twitter account added an incredibly lewd image to one of their tweets — a photo of a naked woman lying on her back, with her legs spread eagle and pushed behind her head, and a large model airplane shoved so far up her lady parts that you’d think her cooter was auditioning for a role as an airplane hangar at Pittsburgh International.  Kinda sorta like this…

airplane vagina planeYep.  That’s the Tweet.  Bringing a new meaning to that 70′s ad campaign… “Come Fly With Me.” 

I think her worst offense was that she was clean shaven and didn’t have a landing strip. I’m guessing that is why the plane crashed into her vagina.

Whatever. I don’t know what the big deal is I mean aren’t most women walking around with models of various forms of transportation shoved up in their snatch cave?  I’ve had my ass crammed full of Hot Wheels since 1986.

hot wheelsThe Knowles-Carter Consortium continues its reign over our newsfeeds and lives. Unless you have been living in a sewer grate, without electricity or the internet, by now you must  have heard something about the messy family drama  that unfolded in an elevator between Solange, Jay Z, and HER MAJESTY BEYONCÉ.

beyonce wandIf you missed it here is a recap…

jayz video beyonce

beyonce fight recreateSources close to the couple have said that before they got into the elevator, Jay-Z was already annoyed with Solange, because earlier in the night a few of her non-famous peasant friends used his name to get into the Met Gala.

Why can’t you go home?” a drunken Solange Knowles said to her brother-in-law as they left the swanky May 5 Met Gala after-party, a source told The News.

Then the 27-year-old singer turned to her 32-year-old big sis Beyoncé.
“You’re one to talk,” he shot back at Solange, the source said.

Why does your husband need to go to the club right now?” Solange asked, according to the source.

An incensed Jay Z took offense to Solange getting involved in his business.

beyonce godd

beyonce weave threat

Now confirming my beyocentric theory (the theory being that the universe revolves around Beyonce) comes just in time…TIME (the magazine), and their latest installment of the 100 Most Influential People.  Yep, with Beyonce on its cover. 

beyonce on timeSince God, Oprah and Barack Obama were clearly too busy, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg stepped in to write about what makes Beyoncé the most influential and shit. She says of Beyoncé:

Beyoncé doesn’t just sit at the table. She builds a better one.”

She raises her voice both on- and offstage to urge women to be independent and lead.”

Her secret: hard work, honesty and authenticity.”

And somewhere in Hell, Satan is telling every demon to drop the pitchforks and burning souls thing and start making a bunch of fake TIME magazine covers with Kanye West’s face on them.

beyonce jz 1beyonce jz 2My thoughts exactly.

ganja and lipsIn other news….   Some would call it a Happy Meal, but a pregnant woman and her boyfriend claim it was anything but as they found an extra ingredient in their McDonald’s burgers — Marijuana.

The couple ordered two McDoubles and were sharing one of them when they noticed that it didn’t taste like the typical Mickey D’s product.   This time it tasted Mcbad. When they opened the burger they found the cheese was just covered with weed. And you people thought adding a hash brown to KFC’s Zinger Tower Burger was a controversial move.

mcdonalds happyTalk about a buzz kill.  Know how hard it is to score some good weed in Ohio?  You would find more smoke worthy grass on an Ithacan’s John Deere tractor blade.  Over priced Medina/Lodi skunk weed is all that is found in these parts.   And here goes these Iowan civilian narcs, going all 21 Jump Street and shit.  The weed fairy is doing time at the golden arches, passing out puff with a side of fries.  Do they appreciate it?  Hell no.  They go raining on everybody’s pot parade.   People will never learn.  When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.  When a pot smoking McDonalds worker making minimum wage gives you a weed-filled cheeseburger, you shut the fuck up and enjoy it.

rein fast food(Image above: Scorpion Dagger)

Police are still investigating McDonald’s employees and awaiting lab results of the toked up beef. Rest assured Iowans, no beef patty will go unturned in smoking out the potential pot perp.  So far authorities have found drug paraphernalia on one McDonald’s employee but no further action has been taken.  But I hear that a local Taco Bell offered a management position to any Mc D employee who can roll a blunt and burrito in less than 30 seconds flat.

god punishing me blogNot enough Jesus on Pinterest you say?  Worry not, pew squat.  Your prayers have been answered on the religious splinter site called Godinterest. If you’re a pastor or head pie baker at your church, you can use the site to organize “bake sales, church events, inspirational quotes for newsletters” along with the usual carnal desire to ogle all those images of Jesus burned on toast or Passion of the Christ reenactments.

jesus re enact not so goodOther noteworthy Godinterest pins:

Shroud of Turin screen print t-shirt

Build your own cross (with kit from IKEA)

Shotgun Shell nativity scenes (DIY family project)

Commun-Onion Dip (to go with those dry church communion wafers)

kisses gotcha bachoretteMonday night television viewers bonded together by simultaneously dry heaving as the new season of the Bachelorette unveiled itself.  This is a good thing, because a thin layer of Malt-O-Meal was starting to form on the roof of my mouth from watching those lukewarm bland bitches on The Real Whocareswives of Orange County.

chris like nothing bachEvery season Chris Harrison claims that THIS SEASON will be “the most dramatic” or “best” show the franchise has ever had and, let’s be honest, who cares enough to question him whether it’s true or not? The franchise has the shelf life of a tub of lard and will carry on regardless if we watch it or not. If ABC has their way, the last 5 people on earth will be found competing for roses (and potable water) on The Bachelor: Apocalypse.

andi dorfman bach 2This season’s “most dramatic” and “best ever” television viewing moment is marketed around its hot strumpet of a bachelorette: Andi Dorfman, formerly of JuanPablocalypse fame.

andi dorfman bachAndi abandoned her law career for an opportunity to be pimped out by Harrison in a quest to find dude dick.  The marrying kind. As part of its grotesquerie courtship ritual, its premiere gave us the opportunity to size up this season’s contestants.   When we say “new bachelorette contestants” don’t we really mean discarded contestants from Dream Phone?  Everybody on this show has the same look of utter embarrassment that Ryker’s cat has when he’s taking a shit.   Either way Andi sure has her hands full of potential yummy dick meat for her vagina.

andi dorfman batch of bachelorsThere is Chris, 32, a farmer from Arlington, IA, whose biggest date fear is “Accidental diarrhea.” There is a firefighter from Fort Lauderdale who does Crossfit and still knows who Banksy is. There is Cody, 28, pictured below in a super-tight tee presumably intentional (he’s a personal trainer), barring a strange resemblance to a Kewpie Doll.

cody 28 personal trainer and kewpie dollkewpie doll bach

And then there is JJ, a 30 something, pantsapreneur from San Francisco, CA.  Who says: The most romantic present he’s ever received was a trip from a long-distance girlfriend. “She brought with her this amazing custom light-up costume she had made for me for Burning Man.”

couple on fire Sounds lovely.  But what the fuck is a Pantsapreneur?

jj “Pantsapreneur”I guess that defines the long and short of it.  Anyway if you missed any of the show, here is a recap: 

ANDI DORFMANAndi and her sister wasted 10 minutes of our viewing time giggling and trying on dresses to impress the men.  They finally decided on the one above.

excited man date sexOne of Bachelorette Emily’s discarded options, crazy-eyed Chris, shows up at the mansion with a bouquet of roses, and a soupçon of desperation. His attempt to party crash is no go as Andi already has her hands full with 25 other dudes.  Crazy-eyed Chris is left to go stew in the bushes. And thanks to her job as a DA, Andi will be able to get a restraining order if he pops up again.

 Then other dick meat arrives via limo.  Andi gives roses to her faves.

dudes for andi dorfman bachOh, and some dude showed up with a lamp he stole from the hotel.

andi dorfman the lampAnd finally… Some of you that follow my Snatch via iPhone may have noticed some changes in this blog’s appearance.  

blog dropIn an attempt to make blogging easier for the masses of computer monkey trolls that don’t know how to use a computer, WordPress made updates to their site. Those updates have drastically changed the way my blog is produced.  Font size, text color, Gif layout, have all been altered by WordPress making adjustments.  At times my blog format is hard to read or layout is askew.  I apologize.  Although these updates may allow WordPress to be more user friendly, it makes blogging more cumbersome for the rest of us.  I am trying to override their changes in HTML but I am not the most savvy in HTML.   So I ask that you please stay patient as I make the adjustments and tweaks necessary.  Or perhaps find another home.  I hope you’ll join me.

cross off the bucket list blogThis post was brought to you by… Solange (THE MOVIE)

beyonce solange

And by…. McDonalds

mcdonald ganja fast foodDon’t forget May is National Masturbation Month.  Join the NSA in masturbating to all those selfies and dick porn they found on your cell phone.  And if you are gonna lie to your girlfriend about masturbating, maybe try not walking around with dried cum on your chest.

may has cumcum gush juices