Here’s a plastic sack of my breath.
And so with another birthday growing near, comes the reality that I will be … celebrating it double teaming myself with vibrators. My bed has been at half occupancy since my break-up with the Dunk man. Which is really making it hard to keep the title he bestowed upon me as “total cunt whore.”
After a bad relationship, I like my vagina like I like my government. All shut down and shit.
Like many women, I view my body as my currency, my youthful beauty as my worth, and my vagina as my only window to find happiness. And about that: Unless you get de-flappification surgery on your 40th birthday there isn’t much to celebrate in getting older. Ever see what a granny cooter looks like?
Nobody wants their pink Velveeta Shell looking like a 3-day old plate of lasagna, which is why I opted to have “vaginal rejuvenation” surgery. What is “vaginal rejuvenation” a.k.a. vaginaplasty, you ask? It is a surgery that involves not just incising into vaginal walls and suturing them tighter, but looking for ligaments, tissues, and muscles to tighten before closing vaginal wall in layers again. The degree of tightness created in the vagina will depend on the patient’s wishes.
When asked, I said: I want the size that would make a cock feel like it is a watermelon going through the eye of a needle. I want to be able to pick up a dollar bill with the lips of my cooter. I want it to wrap a cock tighter than a Geisha woman’s kimono sash. As Borat would say, remove my “sleeve of wizard.” I quickly found out that was package three – The Pink Snapper.
Now there are many reasons to have the surgery other than that of tightening for sex. For example, you don’t want to be in a yoga class in candlestick position and have your Texas Tunnel bellow and squeak, like the mating call of a humpback blue whale. Nor, do you want to eject a tampon 10 feet with just a sneeze. You can Kegel your cunt only so far. Not all Kegels cure you of queef-itis.
I kinda got ahead of myself a few weeks back posting that I got a vaginaplasty before I actually did. Truth is, I wrote the blog earlier that morning to only chicken out a few hours later right before the procedure. But after rescheduling twice and following a hate drenched, sadomasochistic rant from my former beau, (more on that heinous visit next post), I finally got my brand new vagina!!!!
Why did I stall having it done? Well, there is much controversy on the vaginaplasty front. About 2,140 women underwent so-called “vaginal rejuvenation” last year, according to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery. Benefits to having the surgery are mixed. Other procedures such as “G-spot amplification” (injecting the front wall of the vagina with collagen to enhance sexual pleasure) and “revirgination” (which involves reconstructing the hymen) are also popular.
There is the dreaded “Barbie” or Labiaplasty — not to be confused with vaginal rejuvenation or vaginoplasty. Barbies are a term for slicing—yes, slicing, sliiiiiiiiicing—the labia minora clean off (Holy hymens on a cracker Batman!), so that she looks more artificially real. You know, like a porn star!
We are a vaginacentric nation. Why even Qatar ‘s new World Cup Stadium is shaped liked a cooter.
We all have porn to thank for it, and its unrealistic aesthetic that preys upon women’s insecurities about what men want. That wasn’t the reason I opted for the surgery tho. I am a rape survivor so there were many other factors that went into my decision. Having a boyfriend chide me about his Asian girl fantasy didn’t help either. But it is more about my reclaiming a sexual rebirth than anything else.
Now had I my wits about me, I could have auctioned off my excess labia skin like Sydney Leathers (the chick who turned her bad texting decisions with Anthony Weiner into media gold). Apparently her vagina is not the only thing stretched out for more than 15 minutes. Leathers’ elongated infamy is one thing … an elongated labia is quite another.
So, enough about me. It’s time we talk about YOUR loose and drooping vagina and how we can snap snap snap it into shape.
That’s right. More fun than watching….
First on tap for your vaginal make-over is a process to make your vagina look more youthful with ingredients you have at home. I am talking about vaginal bleaching.
Mix 1 tsp of the yogurt with 1 tsp of the milk, a squirt of lemon juice, 1 tsp of rice powder and 1 tsp of the turmeric. Don’t add too much rice powder, as this will make your lightening mask feel like dough, making it hard to spread out over your skin. You want to have a light mixture, almost like a face mask. The more turmeric the better.
You don’t have to, but I recommend shaving your vagina before applying the lightening mixture. It’s more hygienic and allows you to see and feel the result better.
Now, apply this mixture to your vagina. Leave it on for 20 minutes Your gent will want to pull a tongue muscle in your snatch cave now.
Your vagina is magical!
If your vagina is like mine, it is good at multitasking. So why not whiten your vagina and have your period at the same time!?! Introducing….
Hey, ever imagine a world without vaginas? It would be a real pain in your ass. That is why taint maint is so important.
Your crotch is sort of like an armpit between your legs. Like men, women are also prone to getting funky spunk in their cum juices. A snatch must have a good balance of vaginal flora. Vaginal flora are the micro-organisms that colonize inside the juices of your cooter. Managing these vaginal juices with giant bacterial armies is no easy task. From the soap you use to the type of panties you wear, play a role in the yum factor in your snatch cave.
Okay, so your vagina is never going to taste like a fruit salad, (unless of course you are serving fruit salad from your vagina) but there are things you can do to make it more tasty for your partner. Take Pineapple for example. Apparently, when consumed the high sugar contents in pineapples sends some internal mechanism on an express bus to your cooter, making it taste way less like a truck stop door mat. Other cooter friendly foods: apples, celery, yogurt, red grapes, cranberry juice, lots of water, mint, watermelon, strawberries. Basically, a good rule of thumb is any food that when grown doesn’t smell like ass.
Put the snap back into your snatch. Give your vagina a workout with Kegel!!!
First find the right muscles. To identify your pelvic floor muscles, stop urination in midstream. You should probably do that over a toilet. If you succeed stopping urine flow then you’ve found the right muscles. Imagine squeezing a pebble with your vagina or what I like to refer as the usual size of a Cleveland gents penis. Ideally, each rep should last 10 seconds, but that’s no easy feat. Start with at least 4 or 5 reps of 2-second holds, 2 or 3 times a day, and increase your hold time week by week.
Bored with the typical morning of Kegeling to Katy Perry tunes? Now you can make Kegeling fun for the entire family! With the new Kegel Kat phone app!!!!!
3 Fun Modes
Share your high scores with friends!
Customize how many kegels you want to do and their length. Then simple squeeze along with the Kat!
Go Forever – See how many Kegels you can manage in a row! The Kegel Kat will save your high score and you can even share your achievement with your social networks! The fun never ends!!!!!
Kegeling isn’t the only way to flex your vagina muscles. How about flexing your vagina brain muscle? Get snatch savvy by learning the mechanics for all things under that hood. Getting Snatch Savvy helps you to dispel popular myths…such as the more you screw, the more loose you become.
Sexual arousal/relaxation is what loosens those muscles so you can receive the peen/fingers/dildo you so desire. So you can’t fuck yourself loose. Good news for all whores like me!
A loose vagina used as said “proof” of women’s whorishness, has a convenient function: Slut-shaming women and policing female sexual behavior. Putting all the onus of male sexual pleasure on a woman’s body, and scrutinizing everything she can’t control in typical jackbag mindfuckery glory. But the more likely culprit of what makes sex feel loose in the first place in any hole: a small dick.
Anyway, speaking of dicktards…. Gents does your small penis have vagina envy? Well, doubleclit here. Just in time for holiday stocking stuffers is is a decal that makes it look like you’re fingering a vagina every time you use your trackpad.
Created by Brooklyn feminist designer Eliza Dunaway, who says “We are too often taught to feel grossed out by the sight of a body part that is beautiful and important just as it is. DoubleClit Here seeks to break this stigma by presenting the vagina in a new, hilariously interactive, OMG-inducing way.” Yep. Just like my blog.
So how is my new cooter going to work in six weeks, when all restrictions are lifted? Who knows? And WHO will be the lucky snatch spelunker? The noble explorer who will first enjoy my tighter whisker biscuit? I recommend using that number-tag dispenser “who’s next?” system, like at the deli.
But for now I rejoice. I finally did it! I am now Asian from the waist down. It still doesn’t mean I have a perfect vagina. Wait … IS there really such a thing as a perfect vagina?
Sure there is. It looks exactly like yours.
Want to see before and after shots of my cooter? Join me on Facebook! Sick fucks of a feather should flock together.