Happy Easter! For on this day we celebrate Jesus’ reincarnation into a bunny rabbit who delivers plastic eggs from CVS to the bedroom doors of snot nosed brats. For the adults, Easter is a lot like Christmas except you don’t get any presents for holding in all that inner family hostility and rage.
Raise your Kinder Egg if you love Easter!
Oh don’t give me your blanket statement about a godless universe and how religious holidays are for the narrow minded who have been systematically brainwashed into emotional servitude of a Jesus construct. It’s 2014. Mocking Christianity is about as hip as mocking Lindsey Lohan out of rehab.
Besides, what did Jesus ever do to you?
PEEPS are a controversial confectionery. Some candy lovers are enamored by these sugary shaped sponges while others loathe them enough to start their own I HATE PEEPS Facebook Page. Children love them because quite frankly if you gave kids the choice between getting a million dollars a year for the rest of their lives or a permanent IV drip of high fructose corn syrup, they would take all of two seconds to wrap a band around their arm and tap their forearm expectantly.
PEEPS have a nostalgic reverence, like somehow eating one is like breaking off a piece of childhood itself. Truth be told I don’t much care for them. I kind of see them as a rainbow fruitcake. Sure, they are part of a holiday tradition but who the hell eats them? The only upside to eating anything in assorted colors is that it makes you shit rainbows.
And now we interrupt this post for things to do with PEEPS….
Now we join our regularly scheduled blog post already in progress.
Easter at its core is mainly about putting on a really good show for the Lord. Usually in pastels. If you grew up in a somewhat normal Christian home, you have a religious narrative for the holiday. But if, like me, your family got its religion from 80′s cable television, then Easter is totally fucking confusing.
I remember one family holiday dinner where my inappropriate cousin opened up her cake hole of a mouth about some past family grievance that hadn’t had time to heal. Pass that bitch a plunger cause she loves to bring shit up. Within seconds of her comment a tense vibe swept the dinner table like a human wave at a soccer game right before the riot. Next someone was flipping a table, smashing a wine goblet, and tossing a ham out the door.
Then there were those Easter eve nights spent dyeing eggs that my drunk step sister forgot to hard boil. And Easter mornings where my crazy mother would wrap in cellophane a candy filled basket, to only then forget where she hid it. I would spend the next 3 months trying to locate it. By the end of July when the basket was finally found, its melted contents looked like something My Little Pony vomited up. Mom eventually grew annoyed in waking up early to assemble a goodie basket and took to hiding scratch-off lottery tickets instead.
Easter is still a sacred holiday, but for all the wrong reasons. It is so thematically disunified that it seems more like a holiday created by Hallmark to increase greeting card sales after Valentines Day than anything else.
On any religious holiday you see those peeps (not the marshmallow kind) who never go to Church all year then suddenly decide they will get a “Buy one service, attend Heaven for free” card, just for getting up before noon and not falling asleep in a pew. But going to church doesn’t make you any more Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Whatever its original intentions, Easter has become commercialized, laden in creepy overtones that have nothing to do with Jesus. Some egg-laying rabbit who sneaks into homes the night before to deliver baskets of shit candy to good little boys and girls. Peter Rabbit is nothing more than the old school version of Elf on a Shelf, except with a better stylist.
It makes you wonder if Easter is supposed to be about the sacrifice Jesus made for humanity, then how did it become synonymous in stuffing your face with Cadbury eggs? As usual, we have Pagans and Pennsylvania to blame.
Okay, so how I understand it is that the pagans who were up to their armpits in parties and naked raves anyway, had this other festival being held in honor of Eostre or Eastre, the goddess of dawn, spring and fertility. The festival was already aligning its marketing campaign with all things bunny and egg related. You know because rabbits and eggs are symbols of fertility. Anyway, now since this Eostre festival occurred around the same time as the Christians’ celebration of Christ’s resurrection, the two celebrations became one.
Then around 1680, the first story about a rabbit laying eggs and hiding them in a garden was published. By the 1700′s the official version of the Easter Bunny arrived with German immigrants who settled in Pennsylvania and transported their tradition of an egg-laying hare called “Osterhase” or “Oschter Haws.” Their children made nests in which this creature could lay its colored eggs.
The true history of the Easter egg. No yolk.
If we’re going to resurrect Jesus this Sunday, we better give him a reason to show up. So what can we do?
Ditch the bunny and chief some leaf for Jesus.
Unless you have been living under a rock (or perhaps smoking one) you know that this year Easter happens to fall on 4/20, which is the same day as the holiday for marijuana. Granted, 420 is more a pseudo-holiday than a real one. It may have absolutely nothing to do with the resurrection of Jesus Christ, but it sure does involve bringing participants to a higher level.
Say what you will but toking up might be something GOD intended for us do. Some theologians argue that the Bible speaks of marijuana in Genesis 1:29, and we know ganja makes for an important focal point of the Rastafarian religion.
Besides the chocolate Easter bunny makes a great bong with its hollow properties. All that is left to do is to make a perforation on the bunny’s stomach, stick a bowl in there, cut the top portion off one of the ears, pour some water inside, and voila.
And after a few hits from the bunny bong, you will want to make this:
Not a fan of combining the Devil’s Lettuce on Easter? Then how about attending an authentically grim Good Friday reenactment of Jesus’ suffering? No I am serious. Passion of the Christ staging ain’t just for Mel Gibson anymore.
In many churches of varying faiths, Good Friday is observed with a crucifixion reenactment complete with an actor playing Jesus, dressing as Jesus, being dragged and tortured through the streets like Jesus, and eventually being “nailed” to a cross. That’s right just like Jesus!
Some of these stagings aren’t just in pantomime either. In many countries fanatical Christians hammer or drill slender stainless-steel spikes through their hands and feet and hang on a cross in a painful test of their faith. The Catholic Church doesn’t sanction these types of events but thousands of tourists each year do.
Being a former New York stage actress, I am always mucho critical of these types of productions. Most crucifixion reenactments (especially Hollywood versions) seem contrived and unreal. And why does the modern Jesus always have to look like a sexified version of Jared Leto?
Like those that believe in Jesus are going to love him any less if he doesn’t come with six pack abs? Come to to think of it, I’ve never seen a representation of Jesus’ crucifixion where he didn’t have ripped abs. Anybody else think that odd? I guess nobody wants their personal Jesus looking like some bloated stoner at a Phish concert.
Colombia: Colombians have strange dinner menu for the Easter day. Instead of chocolates and eggs, they dine on iguana, turtles and big rodents for the feast.
Brazil: They make straw Judas dolls and take to the street to beat the shit out of it. This is to symbolize the hate Brazilians have for the man that betrayed Jesus Christ.
Finland: Kids roam around the streets dressed up in costume (usually witch costumes) asking for treats.
France: The French make a jagunda omelette that feeds over 1,000 people on Easter Monday every year.
Bermuda: They go flow a kite on Good Friday. Kites are meant to represent the ascension of Christ into heaven.
Ukraine: Peeps throw broken eggshells onto the surfaces of streams to let “the dead” know that Easter has arrived.
Slovakia: Men whip women with a pussy willow and splash them with water. All of this is supposed to symbolize youth, strength, and beauty for the upcoming spring season. And in Cleveland this is called the Dyngus Festival. Hstorically a Polish-American tradition, Dyngus Day celebrates the end of the often restrictive observance of lent and the joy of Easter.
If anyone is NOT in need of a PR rep, it is Jesus. Despite the Americanization of the Jman, he still remains the greatest rock star of his time. Who other than Jesus has had more love-crazed, semi-delusional fans, obsessed with every aspect of his life and driven to sheer acts of insanity to prove devotion to him?
Nope. Not even you Kanye.
Many devout Christians find issue incorporating the Easter Bunny into their observances of the holiday, citing Jesus diametrically opposed religious rituals that supposedly honor Him but in reality are rooted in worship of false gods: (Mark:7:6-9). But when was the last time you opened one of those plastic eggs and there was a slip of paper that said, “Jesus sucks, worship me?”
I don’t think Jesus needs to throw down with the Easter Bunny. It’s not like a dude who can walk on water and turn water into wine has anything to feel threatened about. Besides non-violence and compassion was kind of a Jesus trademark.
I personally think Jesus has a great sense of humor and would find some entertainment in our ridiculousness. It isn’t like HE didn’t know how sinful and flawed we were before taking to the cross. That is the cool thing about Jesus, he knows we are complete train wrecks and loves us anyway. HE doesn’t get all judgmental and bonkers like most of his fan club does.
That isn’t to say Jesus would be flattered by bunnydom. I mean how would you react to a cute, fuzzy, cuddly little rabbit trafficking chocolate and plastic eggs filled with coins on the anniversary of your death? Nothing says gauche like upstaging your sacrifice for mankind in some human-sized rodent with a cold vacant (slightly medicated) stare, pilfering candy in hopes small children will come sit on his lap.
If Jesus were here, I think he would remind us that the true meaning of Easter isn’t found in collecting the most Kinder Eggs or making weird marshmallow PEEPS porn. Easter is a time to seek, worship, renew, or strengthen your faith. It is a time to stop calling the women in life “Cunts” or busting a cap in road rage. It is a time to seek humility. It is a time to preserve the importance of family, while allowing a personal meaning to develop – even if it’s not considered the intended or conventional one. Easter isn’t all about suffering, the cross and death. It’s ultimately about new life, hope, peace and rebirth.
If art, legends, and myths from the past teach us anything, it is that human beings long to live, to love and be loved, to reproduce, and to live beyond death. The resurrection of Jesus—the central element of Easter—reflects those longings.
Now I leave you with some cherished Easter memories. Enjoy!
Since I don’t have any small children of my own around to scare up on the lap of a matted bunny, a typical Easter holiday consists of a Cadbury Creme Egg Sandwich and a pitcher of Peeps-tinis. So maybe you want to join me on Facebook or Tumblr. You might as well. Jesus died for our sins — so together we’ll make ‘em worth it.