It is hard to have rampant harlotry if my bed is at half capacity. Oh don’t mind the boys above, they are just keeping my books in place until I buy bookends. Truth be told… my vagina still isn’t talking to me. She is still pissed off for letting a trustworthy cock go. Yeah, like a lot of people I usually solve my problems by letting them devour me. Just another reason for me to have that vodka and Ativan cocktail I guess.
My guy pal recently went through a break-up and his pain makes me want to kick his former in her grundle. Now of course slamming of Obama makes me want to kick him in his grundle but he will be on a Kat lecturing sabbatical while his heart heals. Anyway, speaking with him last night swirled up some conversation on where my head is right now in dating and why my vagina has stopped hiring.
He tells me… “Kat, you can’t let the men you want to date read your blog because it will intimidate them. Who can live up dragging you up their stairs with their cock in your mouth or keep up with fucking acrobatics your blog boasts of? It is just too much for the average guy. What is that you want Kat? A nice guy or this torque?”
I want what I’ve always wanted to be with a guy, to feel like I am going home. I want to be with someone that can be my best friend, share in a laugh and propel me forward in being the woman I need to be. I want someone who is authentic and doesn’t take themselves too seriously. A man who speaks with an open hand, not a closed fist. Men don’t come brown bagged for purchase. If they did, I would take a nice guy over the torque of a bravado boy any day. Nobody is on their death bed saying I wish I would have been gag balled more. People want a real hearts connection. Men that connect via the loins are great for awhile, but eventually that fire burns your wick at both ends.
The reality is my last two relationships weren’t based in torque. They were the seemingly nice guys with preferred shopper cards on their keys chains, pimping car seats and sippy cups in back of their SUV’s. In a cock line up theirs would not be one I would gravitate to. Not because their cocks weren’t amazing, THEY WERE! More that their cocks didn’t come on the other end of a tribal tattoo and order of protection. They were “nice guys” and we are told as women, the nice guy doesn’t have bed cred. Which fucking isn’t true. It is something we woman tell ourselves to prevent us from giving a good bloke a chance. We are conditioned to love the bad boy because of the fiery torque we think he can provide to our loins. But it is the nice guy we run to when the bad boy breaks our heart. Nice guys clean up the messes bad boys leave behind.
By all accounts my relationship with Mr. B should have lasted. He was everything I needed in a man which is why I dedicated 2 years of my life to that relationship. He was the type of fella I would make a sandwich for. He could drop a phrase to make you piss in laughter or take your heart by the hand slow dancing in the center of the living room. He was a musician and wrote his own music. It was our shared love of music that defined our relationship. He took care of me at a time that I needed to be taken care of. I will always love him for that. I was a magnet to his steel.
In the center of a perfect relationship lay some serious jealously issues… the kind that Lifetime movies are made of. In the end it was his jealous tirades that tore us apart. Jealousy, turning saints into the sea, swimming through sick lullabies, Choking on your alibis… Yeah, I fell in love Mr. Brightside.
About once a week he would have a hurricane of rage, though he never gave me the schedule so I could brace for impact. It usually was triggered in him finding out I shared a ride with a male co-worker or caught a gents gaze of interest when dining out. His love was punishing. He would scream in rage and remove all his belongings from my apartment, telling me how bad I was. One time falling asleep on my red velvet couch was a trigger for him to remove all his furniture and items from my apartment, canceling Thanksgiving and changing his phone number.
I felt abandoned by him in every way a person could feel abandoned. That was his intent. His temper spent my emotional bandwidth. How could he be so reckless with my love? Why couldn’t he see how much I adored him? I sacrificed so much of myself to make US work. In his attempt to keep me focused on US he caged me in the process. I suppose I lost a piece of myself that remains with him today. Caged birds accept each other, but flight is what they long for.
I never imagined I could fall in love again with a former loves ghost still taking up residency in my mind… but I did. I am still. It was safe to exhale with him and my heart basked in his calmness. Like Mr. B. he had the ability to make me feel like I was the only woman he had ever known. His love was like the sun shinning brightly on your face. Nothing is sexier then when a man is that into you. It is another kind of threesome… fucking your ego, heart and loins at the same time.
That beau did not show rage like my former Mr. Brightside did. Instead of yelling he would faucet himself off to me, if for no other reason than to protect US from the devastation anger can provide. He recently wrote something that gives hint to why that may have happened. Most attractive to see him be that honest with himself. Despite it all not once during our entire time together did he raise his voice or hand to me. That fact is not lost on me coming from what I have. He so easily could have lost it because I am about as easy as a nuclear war to love. I have reserved the left ventricle of my heart always for him. For attempting to love me during one of the most shakiest times of my life. In the brief time he loved me, he proved to me that love does not come by the other end of a fist. That left ventricles reserve is now trying to find a way to redefine my love for him in a friendship. Ever mindful of the sting that awaits me when I hear he has found love again with someone new.
To answer the question: Will the nice guy finish last? The only way a nice guy will finish last with me… is during a vagina jousting match with my snatch. Even then my hope is we finish climaxing together as if on cue.
I do worry that I won’t find another nice guy again. I am not talking about the “Nice Guy” that wants me to cook him up venison stew after his recent hunt for Bambi, that starts a sentence with “tell er wat.” There are plenty, PLENTY of those on the dating sites. I am talking about finding one like the one I had. One that is my sympatico, minds connection, every bit of my cerebral match and humor. Can I find that kind of “don’t sweat the small stuff” temperament again? Someone that will be my port of calm in the center of a storm?
I will bet my next few bottles of Belevdere that I won’t. And if my OK Cupid email box is any indication, I am in throws of a Douchepocalyspe. There are only so many times a gal can endure douching down in her dating profile before an apartment of cats looks appealing.
B. You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along
It’s much more exhilarating to fall for the bad ones. I suppose there is no chance of you reconnecting with your former nice guy? Have you ever tried?
Summer ~ He has moved on.
You are a tremendously talented and skilled writer with a unique style that is all your own. And while I’m no expert, I also don’t throw words around like these, as if they are just spare change. Yes, you are that good, in my humble opinion. Both this post and the one about the FB arrangement just blew me away. I’m just sorry that your writing here bleeds on the page like a painful wound that takes so long to heal. I hope that you can heal and be relatively happy, and find what you need.
It is a bit bleeding as of late isn’t Chris? Obviously, I am stuck in dating purgatory trying to work some of the hurts out through writing. I am sorry if I have been heavy as of late. Lot of stuff going on right now that is causing reflection.
Gird your loins girl and back in the saddle. You find a man as honest and horny as you are and you will be happy, in a tumultous sort of way.
Yelling is not bad, fist raising is not good and jealousy is fear.
No one deserves that.
Bryan
No no no. I can’t be with another man that yells. Mr. B. could give Sam Kinison a run for his money. I seek calm and steady. And a nice cock of course.
good plan and keep the cats out of your bosom.
SS, I can tell from your writing that you are an amazing woman; you’re smart, funny, adventurous, and genuine. But you’re not a simple person. That can be scary to people, but there is one out there for you, I promise.
Theo that is the best compliment I got all week. I need to print it out and stick it on my fridge to meditate on. I think right now it is less about me finding someone as filler and more about assessing the damage of past relationships so they don’t repeat themselves again. I am trying not to make every post about reflecting on break ups but I am trying to figure some things out. I also got some pretty intense news off topic to dating that causes me to reflect more. Thank you Theo. Hugs and mayhem luv.
Speaking as someone who is a bit older than you: The key is that you don’t NEED anybody; you are absolutely perfect just in yourself. Once you know that it doesn’t matter if it’s a year, or 20 years before you hook up with another perfect person.
All I Can Say, Mistress Snarky, Is IF He’s A Nice Guy…
…He’ll ALWAYS Finish AFTER You Do
Lick Ya L8r, Tater!
hehehe
-BRAD
Lick ya in the eyes Brad. Love ya! Thanks.
this is the most awesome – one liner I have heard in a long time: “I am about as easy as a nuclear war to love.”
Other than that what can I say? … the holy grail – he’s gotta be out there somewhere. xo
It was inspired by Duran Duran of all things. It is from their song “Something I Should Know.” A past boyfriend said a heard a line in the song and thought of me. “You say you’re easy on me but you’re about easy as a nuclear war.
Great writing as always…..You always make it so relatable. Sounds exaclty like the feeling I am going through with my ex.
Hope you do find your “Nice Guy!” He’s out there for the taking somewhere.
Thank you. It was hard writing this because I don’t talk about Mr. B. much in this blog. Posting that semi pic of him was the first time I have seen his face in months. I broke down in tears. Clearly I need to work through that situation more. Thank you for giving me a platform for which to do it.
No doubt you’d bristle at this comment, is not want to kick me in the grundle, but it seems to me what you want is the drama you create with your blog, the excitement, the intensity of the conflict, the electrical crackle you feel all over when your beau has a jealous tirade. If not, you wouldn’t continue to stir things up. Seems to me you’re getting precisely what you want/desire. All that other stuff you’re claiming to want it just window dressing, just what people say. But what do I know….
Thank you Sonny. No worries I am not bristled but perhaps you missed my point. My ex beau Mr. Brightside does not read my blog. (AT least I hope not.) So those current jealous tirades had nothing to do with blog writing since I’ve only been writing for three months now. If you have followed my blog at all, you will note some pretty intense violent situations have happened in my past. No Sonny I did not ask to be injured in those ways. I can most assure you that I never thought I would blog about it. It has inspired a refocusing in my advocating for victims. Like many survivors of violence I do not seek out those situations to repeat themselves which is why I gave props to the man who I was in my last relationship with. He was not violent in his words or did he govern his love by his fist. He was the first verbally non violent man that has loved me several years. I suppose that is why I still love him. I tend to focus on my bad dating experiences because they are more entertaining than hearing my walk on the clouds of love. But I am not in a relationship now and going through some major evaluating So I am not doing too much cloud hopping these days anyway.
I should say as a blogger I do write about things that I think might be topical to others. Is there an entertainment factor in that? Sure. I attempt to make it funny. But that is perhaps the allure to my readers that they like that I work through pain in laughter. I don’t write about puppies and unicorns so this blog isn’t for everyone. I wonder what brings you to follow me though? Truth be known Sonny, I have been more raw and open with my blog lately. Writing this piece was EXTREMELY painful. I obviously didn’t convey that pain enough if you if you walked away with the opinion that you have. No doubt I will be cautious the next time in exposing myself so completely as I have just done. Thank you for following me though and your commentary.
I tried not being a nice guy once….the teacher made me sit in the corner during nap time.
What happens, happens Kat.
My own opinion is that someone who would take all his stuff out of your apartment isn’t really a nice guy…but a very clever bad boy masquerading as one.
You can try and kick me in the grundle all you want for that…I’m deceptively fast for a fat guy
In all the things I would do to you David… grundle kicking isn’t one of them.
This post has been a huge topic of conversation on and off the blogsphere this morning. It opened up a lot of wounds with Mr. B. Ghosts that are still lurking. I wish I could adapt What Happens Happens thing but I always spend too much mind time trying to figure out the why’s so it doesn’t happen again. I am trying to forgive Mr. B. for what happened. It is hard.
have to enjoy this..
Thank you. Means very much coming from you.
I appreciate you saying so
Reblogged this on soundtrackforthepeople.
Must confess Snarky, my dear, I love the music video.
As for the general comment… I am with you. Just like men, there are the marrying kind (the good ones), and the fuck around kind (the bad ones). Currently, I am not in a place to meet a good one, cause then I’d just be the bad girl, and we don’t want that now do we.
Thank you for the reblog. Are you a Killer’s victim as well? Mr. B. hated them because he knew the song reminded me of him. He once took away Christmas because he was angry at something I did. Then he destroyed gifts that he bought me, only to re-buy them again when he got over his rage. It was so confusing to have someone be so amazing to me one minute and then a hurricane the next. One time he threatened something to me about living together, and I remembered that line from Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. “We aren’t living together. We occupy the same cage that’s all.”
Oh I certainly have. Only he came ALL the way from Australia to see me (I am in Calgary, Canada), and THAT was when he decided to turn on me. It was lovely. And now he is still here. He *finally* leaves in May. THANK GOD.
The truth of it is a wounded woman like yourself with confidence and sexual strength can be terrifying for a man. I would be up for the challenge, plus I bet you’d teach me a thing or two.
Us nice guys get ignored but if they have confidence and are willing to escalate they can certainly get lots of opportunities. It’s good to know there are still women out there who enjoy the Nice guy. Just because we are nice guys doesn’t mean we aren’t attractive guys.
Thank you Victor. I would take you up on that offer in a New York minute babe. I don’t feel too sexually confident with my bed at half capacity these days. But I guess there is strength in saying no to things too.
I don’t go out to bars to pick up men. Every male that is n my life right now knows my heart is healing. I gotta say Victor, I feel like a tosser. I am whining and not dating, while my formers are moving on just fine. They aren’t sitting at home. They are moving on just fine. One of your checklists of ways I can stop looking foolish would be great about now.
Skirt, Mr. B is in your “nice guy” category? WTF? I think 15 years in “the city” put a smudge on the lens of your view of the male species! Packing and unpacking isn’t only “NOT nice guy”, it sounds like the guy needs to think he controls everything, yet is incapable of controling ANYTHING! And destroying and re-buying gifts? Doesn’t sound like “nice guy” to me! Come to think of it, doesn’t sound like “SMART GUY” either! Does the location of the “guy” have bearing on what determines “nice”?
Yeah, well there lies to rub right CJ? Perhaps I have had so many horrible gents that the seemingly nice guy, only appears nice because the gage of which I measure this is broken. When you date Satan, it kind of sets the bar low for others. They can only go but up.
I tell you, lately as I read various single women’s blogs I’ve begun to feel a little sad, since so much of what these women write they want in their men don’t necessarily sound like what I offer. *This* blog post gives me some hope that there are still women out there with room in their hearts for us Nice Guys
Here’s hoping your Douchepocalyspe ends soon!!
Doesn’t look like there is an end in sight here in Clown Town. Thank you for your support.
…but on the plus side, more time to entertain your readers
That sounds like somebody I used to know…
Maybe we dated the same fella?
hahahaha! not possible! I’m from india
maybe
Keep writing, sharing, exploring, laughing, and healing. I think you’ll encourage others to do the same. That’s a gift.