What can I say? I had to sneeze and I don’t wear underwear. Most awkward trying to explain that one. I can’t think of anything more embarrassing then ben wa balls flying out of your cooter in front of your father. Okay, maybe the ball drop and accidentally sexting your dad with your new iPhone come a close second. Well, at least he isn’t questioning how my sex life is anymore. While on the subject of questions…
What does this look mean?
I get that a lot from the men I date. Just curious. You know I hate when I don’t have a beau’s undivided attention. I’m forced to do things I don’t want to do. Like drink, cry and fuck his friends. Of course, if I didn’t destroy the lives of the men in my life, I would have nothing to blog about. Quid pro quo, you know?
So, in other news, I woke up this morning to find out that I won another blog writing award. Okay, truthfully I found out a few weeks ago but I have been real busy balancing the new cock in life. Anyway, this one is called the Sexy Blogger Award. I was nominated by one sexy snatch in her own right Miss Gin @ Confessions of A Preachers Daughter. And, I think it is beyond obvious why I won this one. So beg off haters!
Rules of the Sexy Blog Award
1. Post 5 sexy suggestions.
2. Post a link to your sexiest blog post.
3. Nominate 5 other sexy bloggers.
4. Let your nominees know they’re sexy.
You want me to narrow it down to five sexy suggestions? Okay, whatever, it’s your vagina.
1. Have Rodeo Sex:
Mount a woman from behind, take her hair as the reigns, pull her hair back then softly whisper in her ear, “Your sister was better than you” and now try to hold on for 8 seconds.
2. Be well versed in the art of seduction. Subtly is key.
And no, these are not pics from my apt. They are pictures from Jason’s place. He likes his home like he likes his women… a fucking hot mess. Which is why I hired a maid for him. His house must have really been piggish because she has been there all morning.
3. Mind fuck em.
Men often like to be fucked with their minds as well in their asshole. Why not try a stab at some erotic prose? Here is a sample of a sexy poem I sent to my latest crush:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Or perhaps a limerick?
There was a young woman called Kat
Who made a mess wherever she sat
With legs in the air,
She would loudly declare:
“Stop folding your clothes and just ride me!!”
4. Have a Snatch (Sex) Rider.
Your snatch is a coveted prime piece of real estate. If you don’t treat it as such, why would some gent then feel inclined to support your lazy ass? In order to get them pussy whipped, you must first whip the pussy. Get her into shape by doing vaginal exercises like this:
Or V-Jazzles or pussy tattoos like this:
Once you get a snappier snatch it is time for you to create a sexual rider. You know, similar to the list of demands rock stars have when on tour. Create your own list of vaginal demands, terms and conditions that must be met before a gent goes vagina spelunking. Here is a sample of mine:
Kat’s Sex Rider List:
Haribo gummi bears
15 magnums of Perrier Jouet Belle Epoque champagne and a box of bendy straws to sip it with
My coffee that I won’t drink be stirred counter-clockwise only
“Corn on the cob: fresh ears, lightly salted in foil, cooked over an open flame 3 minutes only”
Toilet on wheels
Young sapling no less than four feet but no higher than six feet’
Bowl of M&Ms with ‘all the brown ones taken out’.
Two full-length mirrors (must have lights around it)
A 12ft-long boa constrictor
Grey Poupon Dijon mustard
A V-Jazzle room
74 long steam white roses totally dethorned
Three oxygen tanks
A bald hooker with no teeth
Mountains of condoms in assorted rainbow colours
Worth mentioning again: ONE MONKEY
5. Lastly, never under estimate the magical power and extrinsic aid of a good hand job.
One of my biggest talents is my ability to crank one off on a gent in a few minutes flat. You should see me milk an udder.
You may or may not have cows or a dog around that you can practice on, so I would recommend watching this video before attempting these hand job maneuvers below. Note these six simple hand job strokes will leave him breathless and begging for more. And if performed correctly on Old Bessie, you might even get a milkshake out of the deal.
The Hungry Squid – A gentle, warm-up stroke… five fingers teasing the tip to get his full attention.
Poll Climber – Successive, alternate handed strokes in a singular direction. If his eyes are closed he’ll swear he’s being swallowed up by an endless vagina.
Meat Roll – Back handed with a twist of the wrist, this is a great stroke for full sensation on his shaft.
Top Stroke – Gently stretches the penile ligament, feels great on the shaft, and as her hands pull up and over the glans he gets a very pleasurable zing.
The Hitchhiker – Basic stroke familiar to all men who have masturbated but her angle places a thumb right under the frenulum which is a quick ride to orgasmville.
Magic Thumbs – Another thumb adds more pressure, more friction, and more intensity to the frenulum. She can also provide a more complete grip and tighter squeeze to the shaft than with a one handed stroke.
If you are going to try giving a hand job with no hands, I wouldn’t recommend it in the shower without a shower saucer.
A link to my sexiest blog post would be Well, It’s Not Gonna Suck Itself. My WordPress tribute to the blow job. Password is 6969 of course.
My nominees for Sexy Blogger Award are:
One sexy kitten Gillian @ BackDoor Press
My most favorite snatch @ Love, Sex and Marriage
Two of the tastiest chocolate cocks I can think of:
Theo @ TheoBlack.com
Anwar @ Her Favorite Juice
Geoff @ Gorgeous Company. He is an absolute gent that inspires me everyday to dig deeper in myself for that perfect image, hone my talents to become a better writer and photographer. His erotic images are fused with uplifting prose pieces. Some aspire to be a poet, while Geoff embodies a poem.
Congrats to all the sexy nominees and thank you Gin for the nomination. My snatch is truly honored to be in such good company.
Thank you Brian for this amazing artistic piece! Next time would you include a photo of my snatch? It isn’t like I haven’t sent you enough pics of it! (Geesh, artist types.)
If you are gonna cum anyway, why not come follow me on Facebook. I often fuck my friends. (The ones that don’t de-friend me that is). So who could ask for a better incentive? Don’t get left out on exclusive videos, cock pictorials of former beaus, and up to the minute vodka induced texted messages. Come on… everybody’s doing it!