My ex-beau says I’m crazy. But with all due respect, I’m not the one who dated me. Fine. Whatever. You call it crazy, I call it channeling my creative side with a dash of being emotionally challenged. So what, I’m not the first girl who had a guy walk away from dating her thinking he hit the bottom level of her craziness, only to discover there was an underground garage of crazy below. And I know I’m not the first girl to do a complete genealogy work up via Ancestry.com on a guy she met an hour ago.
What? And why that look again?
When crazy is involved the sliding scale rule or the risk reward matrix have to be thrown out the door because crazy doesn’t temper over time it gets worse as emotional bonds and possessiveness settle in. At some point in time, looks will begin to fade but the crazy will always be there.
Enter Eva1000 via OK Cupid….
I am Eva. I am a strong, independent, spontaneous, sensual woman who is looking for a emotionally/financially stable man to share my life with. I don’t think there are any decent men left so don’t trouble me with nonsense!!!!!! I don’t like nonsense. Eve doesn’t want another man with emotional issues. I don’t want to be another fucking Barbie doll for someone to flaunt. if u want to hang out for 6months and have no interest in moving forward into anything with meaning Im not her. Now a few words to the eco-centric men of this site. I will be naming names!!!
Jared69 – I will not dismissed as sub-par for a man less of a personal affront to my ego than merely being someone “worthy” to ball for a spell. Gredman – Thanks for nothing but a p1ss-off! Peteron121 – What my profile pics aren’t good enough for you? Fuck off! Winedineyou – You have a small curved dick so stop sending penis pictures. Waitnseeme – You are self-absorbed and a sexist bastard that is as fake as your online dating profile is.
Looks like Eva, didn’t get the it’s not wise to advertise in an online dating profile, your recent stint at Bellevue memo. You know, nothing encourages a gent more into dating you, then an online dating profile emasculating men by name. This woman is ridiculous to put all that in her dating profile. Why, you can have a blog to do all that!
This profile was actually a gift from baby Jesus. You see more times than not, women mask their bat shit crazy tendencies within their profile, this one however couldn’t have been more obvious, if it went straight to video.
In any case, it got me thinking about how difficult it has been for my guy pals to date in the online sphere. Often times, crazy isn’t as apparent (as one who blogs about hers everyday), it is often masked in well meaning profile lingo, which in women speak, means something entirely different. So I thought I would blow the lid off the women speak code, cluing in gents that might be reading this blog, on what we actually mean in our online dating profiles:
I am recently coming out of a 15 year relationship with someone that cheated: Therapy me baby!! I am looking for someone, ANYONE to become my next problem to whine about.
Still seeking my soulmate, a prince charming: Boy do I have expectations for you toots. Let’s watch episodes of The Bachelor together so I can tell you all the things you aren’t doing for me.
I am petite / slender: I wish. Hell you wish. I am face down in a bowl of marshmallow Fluff right now.
I am a few pounds overweight: With all this girth, I would have more of a chance of getting hit by lightening than finding a man to have sex with me.
I am a strong independent confident woman: I am a harpie thunder bitch troll from the seventh ring of hell. Date me and I will micro manage every aspect of your life.
I am a business consultant and make my own hours: I am gainfully unemployed.
If you are looking for someone real: I am faker than a pair of Beverly Hills Housewives Tits.
I am a Busty brunette who knows how to have a good time: I have been handled more often than I drawer knob. I will control you with sex but for many, that won’t be a bad thing.
I am easy going: I want someone with jet black hair who is between 5’11″ and 6’1″ and makes $100,000 a year or more, has a specific sense of humor to share in my favorite episodes of bad scripted television, who has a handsome chiseled face to match his skinny jeans. I want to be taken out to dinner at least once a week. I want you to buy me presents when I give you hints to do so. I want you to burn every photo of the girls you have had sex with. I want….I want….I want…I want… I want… I want… I want.
Although Eva’s dating profile sucks, it does not live in a vacuum. I come across plenty, PLENTY, of women profiles that are walking advertisements to a future episode of SNAPPED. The more love seems unattainable to some, the harder it becomes to mask their desperate crazy spirals in finding it.
A popular myth women tell each other when they are successful and pretty, is that it will be hard to find a man. I swear, it’s a conspiracy to keep other women single. Plant seeds of doubt in their heads, psych them out, take them out of the race. That way, we don’t have to focus on what we actually bring to the dating table that pushes men away.
Take me for example… while sitting back evaluating a man, making him earn my trust, I know I’m actually sending off all kinds of other signals saying: Kat is unavailable. Those who are emotionally ambivalent tend to seek out or are drawn to others who are the same. Being jaded in dating actually sets you up for a relationship slaughter.
We can tell ourselves as women, that a real man worthy of our heart, will morph into a Percy Sledge song to win over our heart and vagina. We try to convince ourselves that he will go to extremes to prove his authenticity, and help us take down the bricks in the walls we continue to build around him. Good quality men understand that we’ve been hurt so if they are truly interested and genuinely care about us, they will remain patient and man up to our emotional needs. Right? Maybe. But there is only so much a man will put up with in trying to prove he is not like the other fuck pigs, that bellied up to the trough before him. Eventually, these men will seek out other women that are emotionally available and aren’t requiring a CSI interrogation to prove their character.
If you won’t take a chance and are the kind of person who can’t trust that a stranger might be what they say are, then you probably shouldn’t be dating online.
(Gulp). Damn, I hate these little introspective moments that spotlight how I don’t take my own advice. Much better served with a mocha-Ativan-vodka-latte, don’t you think?
Okay. Okay. Game on LeBron. I am guilty of building walls that the Kool-Aid man couldn’t bust through. It sure costs me dividends in finding quality men. I don’t think the men I date question the reason why I build the walls that I do. I mean, I have had a dating career that could inspire an Alanis Morissette song. Track record aside, I design a whole other vat of dating disasters within this blog. Which is hands down the reason I get so skeptical. Any man that is introduced to my blog in the first throws of dating me, gets a distorted view. Obviously, walking away with me being less kinky than I really am.
My blog is a wet dream for those men that enjoy playing “savior” or “dupe king” with pages showcasing how emotionally vulnerable I can be. It makes me easy pickings for those wishing to test my emotional bandwidth. I blog about past woes, hurts and dating disasters. If a guy wanted to fuck with my head, I sure as shit give him a clear road map of which to do it, laying out what to say, feel, do or not do. Which is all the more reason that the men I date, should never know about its existence.
Aside from the fear of getting duped again, I like many other women, have the overriding fear of dying alone in my vomit, while one of my 52 cats play paw pong with a mound of my puffed up decayed flesh.
Women make a full time job of scaring themselves into thinking being single, that being alone, is a bad thing. By the time a woman reaches her late 30′s, dating becomes a damned roller derby contest, with a bunch of jaded chicas, elbowing each other out of the way to get to the limited supply of cock.
Which is why, many women stay in desperate or loveless relationship situations, too afraid to risk giving up a flat lined relationship, at the chance of being alone. Then of course, there are those women that attach themselves to the first cock that shows interest their way. Even if that means settling for some beige gent, that would make watching a Chia pet grow, more exciting then actually bedding down with him. So what if he doesn’t make your boots go up and down? It’s better than being lonely, right?
In order to find a Mr. Right you have to be willing to let go of Mr. Wrong and those dating qualifiers that attracted him in the first place. A list of mandatory ‘must haves’ only gives a gent more to cycle through in obtaining a relationship with you. They are cock blockers if anything. Playing games like “my snatch is the Holy Grail,” is the worst cock blocker of all. Some women like to use their snatch to govern, punish and control their dating partners. They treat their snatch as though it is encrusted in gold with rubies and diamonds, and that a man will crawl over hot coals just to be near it.
Men, you know what I’m talking about and women if you haven’t done it, you sure know a snatch who has. Wait six dates before having sex w/ a gent that you’re crazy about because you don’t want him to think you a whore. I’d say 90% of men, when their date has sex with them on the first few dates, are so relieved at the lack of game playing that they can’t be bothered to wonder with how many other jockeys were there before him. Besides, you are no less a whore by having a fuck buddy and putting off the guy you are really interested in having a relationship with.
Women arbitrarily change the rules when it comes to sex. We claim a need to be comfortable with a man in order to have sex with him or don’t want to play ourselves out looking like a slut, if we do it too soon. But I think more women use bullshit excuses when what we’re really wanting is proof the guy isn’t going to leave us. Many women think that putting a label on a relationship will ease their minds and in having sex too early… any chance of getting that label will be null and void. When a guy labels himself a boyfriend to us, we take that boyfriend ball and run with it. If the man likes you, the sex isn’t going to change that. There are no guarantees when it comes to dating. A man or woman can make all kinds of promises and still leave. They can encourage you to take down your walls and promise they aren’t going anywhere, and then the minute you do, the minute you are the most vulnerable and open to experiencing what they claim to offer, they scram. And then that hurt becomes another spoke in the fear of abandonment wheel. Don’t want to get hurt? Then don’t date and maybe think about uprooting yourself to lower Mongolia. I hear the mud huts are pretty energy efficient anyway.
It’s life. Lower your expectations. I learned this recently the hard way. Men are extremely simple to understand, okay maybe not entirely true, but they are way less complicated than women are. I find most men are starved for someone to understand them without projecting all our preconceived ideas on to them, or comparing them to the past fuck pigs that scammed us. If we can for a moment live outside of our heads and actually in the relationship before our eyes, we have a much greater chance of finding the love we deserve.
Well, except in the case Eva. But I hear underwater basket weaving is making a home decor comeback.