My ex-beau says I’m crazy. But with all due respect, I’m not the one who dated me. Fine. Whatever. You call it crazy, I call it channeling my creative side with a dash of being emotionally challenged. So what, I’m not the first girl who had a guy walk away from dating her thinking he hit the bottom level of her craziness, only to discover there was an underground garage of crazy below. And I know I’m not the first girl to do a complete genealogy work up via Ancestry.com on a guy she met an hour ago.
What? And why that look again?
When crazy is involved the sliding scale rule or the risk reward matrix have to be thrown out the door because crazy doesn’t temper over time it gets worse as emotional bonds and possessiveness settle in. At some point in time, looks will begin to fade but the crazy will always be there.
Enter Eva1000 via OK Cupid….
I am Eva. I am a strong, independent, spontaneous, sensual woman who is looking for a emotionally/financially stable man to share my life with. I don’t think there are any decent men left so don’t trouble me with nonsense!!!!!! I don’t like nonsense. Eve doesn’t want another man with emotional issues. I don’t want to be another fucking Barbie doll for someone to flaunt. if u want to hang out for 6months and have no interest in moving forward into anything with meaning Im not her. Now a few words to the eco-centric men of this site. I will be naming names!!!
Jared69 – I will not dismissed as sub-par for a man less of a personal affront to my ego than merely being someone “worthy” to ball for a spell.
Gredman – Thanks for nothing but a p1ss-off!
Peteron121 – What my profile pics aren’t good enough for you? Fuck off!
Winedineyou – You have a small curved dick so stop sending penis pictures.
Waitnseeme – You are self-absorbed and a sexist bastard that is as fake as your online dating profile is.
Looks like Eva, didn’t get the it’s not wise to advertise in an online dating profile, your recent stint at Bellevue memo. You know, nothing encourages a gent more into dating you, then an online dating profile emasculating men by name. This woman is ridiculous to put all that in her dating profile. Why, you can have a blog to do all that!
This profile was actually a gift from baby Jesus. You see more times than not, women mask their bat shit crazy tendencies within their profile, this one however couldn’t have been more obvious, if it went straight to video.
In any case, it got me thinking about how difficult it has been for my guy pals to date in the online sphere. Often times, crazy isn’t as apparent (as one who blogs about hers everyday), it is often masked in well meaning profile lingo, which in women speak, means something entirely different. So I thought I would blow the lid off the women speak code, cluing in gents that might be reading this blog, on what we actually mean in our online dating profiles:
I am recently coming out of a 15 year relationship with someone that cheated: Therapy me baby!! I am looking for someone, ANYONE to become my next problem to whine about.
Still seeking my soulmate, a prince charming: Boy do I have expectations for you toots. Let’s watch episodes of The Bachelor together so I can tell you all the things you aren’t doing for me.
I am petite / slender: I wish. Hell you wish. I am face down in a bowl of marshmallow Fluff right now.
I am a few pounds overweight: With all this girth, I would have more of a chance of getting hit by lightening than finding a man to have sex with me.
I am a strong independent confident woman: I am a harpie thunder bitch troll from the seventh ring of hell. Date me and I will micro manage every aspect of your life.
I am a business consultant and make my own hours: I am gainfully unemployed.
If you are looking for someone real: I am faker than a pair of Beverly Hills Housewives Tits.
I am a Busty brunette who knows how to have a good time: I have been handled more often than I drawer knob. I will control you with sex but for many, that won’t be a bad thing.
I am easy going: I want someone with jet black hair who is between 5’11″ and 6’1″ and makes $100,000 a year or more, has a specific sense of humor to share in my favorite episodes of bad scripted television, who has a handsome chiseled face to match his skinny jeans. I want to be taken out to dinner at least once a week. I want you to buy me presents when I give you hints to do so. I want you to burn every photo of the girls you have had sex with. I want….I want….I want…I want… I want… I want… I want.
Although Eva’s dating profile sucks, it does not live in a vacuum. I come across plenty, PLENTY, of women profiles that are walking advertisements to a future episode of SNAPPED. The more love seems unattainable to some, the harder it becomes to mask their desperate crazy spirals in finding it.
A popular myth women tell each other when they are successful and pretty, is that it will be hard to find a man. I swear, it’s a conspiracy to keep other women single. Plant seeds of doubt in their heads, psych them out, take them out of the race. That way, we don’t have to focus on what we actually bring to the dating table that pushes men away.
Take me for example… while sitting back evaluating a man, making him earn my trust, I know I’m actually sending off all kinds of other signals saying: Kat is unavailable. Those who are emotionally ambivalent tend to seek out or are drawn to others who are the same. Being jaded in dating actually sets you up for a relationship slaughter.
We can tell ourselves as women, that a real man worthy of our heart, will morph into a Percy Sledge song to win over our heart and vagina. We try to convince ourselves that he will go to extremes to prove his authenticity, and help us take down the bricks in the walls we continue to build around him. Good quality men understand that we’ve been hurt so if they are truly interested and genuinely care about us, they will remain patient and man up to our emotional needs. Right? Maybe. But there is only so much a man will put up with in trying to prove he is not like the other fuck pigs, that bellied up to the trough before him. Eventually, these men will seek out other women that are emotionally available and aren’t requiring a CSI interrogation to prove their character.
If you won’t take a chance and are the kind of person who can’t trust that a stranger might be what they say are, then you probably shouldn’t be dating online.
(Gulp). Damn, I hate these little introspective moments that spotlight how I don’t take my own advice. Much better served with a mocha-Ativan-vodka-latte, don’t you think?
Okay. Okay. Game on LeBron. I am guilty of building walls that the Kool-Aid man couldn’t bust through. It sure costs me dividends in finding quality men. I don’t think the men I date question the reason why I build the walls that I do. I mean, I have had a dating career that could inspire an Alanis Morissette song. Track record aside, I design a whole other vat of dating disasters within this blog. Which is hands down the reason I get so skeptical. Any man that is introduced to my blog in the first throws of dating me, gets a distorted view. Obviously, walking away with me being less kinky than I really am.
My blog is a wet dream for those men that enjoy playing “savior” or “dupe king” with pages showcasing how emotionally vulnerable I can be. It makes me easy pickings for those wishing to test my emotional bandwidth. I blog about past woes, hurts and dating disasters. If a guy wanted to fuck with my head, I sure as shit give him a clear road map of which to do it, laying out what to say, feel, do or not do. Which is all the more reason that the men I date, should never know about its existence.
Aside from the fear of getting duped again, I like many other women, have the overriding fear of dying alone in my vomit, while one of my 52 cats play paw pong with a mound of my puffed up decayed flesh.
Women make a full time job of scaring themselves into thinking being single, that being alone, is a bad thing. By the time a woman reaches her late 30′s, dating becomes a damned roller derby contest, with a bunch of jaded chicas, elbowing each other out of the way to get to the limited supply of cock.
Which is why, many women stay in desperate or loveless relationship situations, too afraid to risk giving up a flat lined relationship, at the chance of being alone. Then of course, there are those women that attach themselves to the first cock that shows interest their way. Even if that means settling for some beige gent, that would make watching a Chia pet grow, more exciting then actually bedding down with him. So what if he doesn’t make your boots go up and down? It’s better than being lonely, right?
Wrong.
In order to find a Mr. Right you have to be willing to let go of Mr. Wrong and those dating qualifiers that attracted him in the first place. A list of mandatory ‘must haves’ only gives a gent more to cycle through in obtaining a relationship with you. They are cock blockers if anything. Playing games like “my snatch is the Holy Grail,” is the worst cock blocker of all. Some women like to use their snatch to govern, punish and control their dating partners. They treat their snatch as though it is encrusted in gold with rubies and diamonds, and that a man will crawl over hot coals just to be near it.
Men, you know what I’m talking about and women if you haven’t done it, you sure know a snatch who has. Wait six dates before having sex w/ a gent that you’re crazy about because you don’t want him to think you a whore. I’d say 90% of men, when their date has sex with them on the first few dates, are so relieved at the lack of game playing that they can’t be bothered to wonder with how many other jockeys were there before him. Besides, you are no less a whore by having a fuck buddy and putting off the guy you are really interested in having a relationship with.
Women arbitrarily change the rules when it comes to sex. We claim a need to be comfortable with a man in order to have sex with him or don’t want to play ourselves out looking like a slut, if we do it too soon. But I think more women use bullshit excuses when what we’re really wanting is proof the guy isn’t going to leave us. Many women think that putting a label on a relationship will ease their minds and in having sex too early… any chance of getting that label will be null and void. When a guy labels himself a boyfriend to us, we take that boyfriend ball and run with it. If the man likes you, the sex isn’t going to change that. There are no guarantees when it comes to dating. A man or woman can make all kinds of promises and still leave. They can encourage you to take down your walls and promise they aren’t going anywhere, and then the minute you do, the minute you are the most vulnerable and open to experiencing what they claim to offer, they scram. And then that hurt becomes another spoke in the fear of abandonment wheel. Don’t want to get hurt? Then don’t date and maybe think about uprooting yourself to lower Mongolia. I hear the mud huts are pretty energy efficient anyway.
It’s life. Lower your expectations. I learned this recently the hard way. Men are extremely simple to understand, okay maybe not entirely true, but they are way less complicated than women are. I find most men are starved for someone to understand them without projecting all our preconceived ideas on to them, or comparing them to the past fuck pigs that scammed us. If we can for a moment live outside of our heads and actually in the relationship before our eyes, we have a much greater chance of finding the love we deserve.
Well, except in the case Eva. But I hear underwater basket weaving is making a home decor comeback.
Where do you find these pictures?
Thank you for appreciating them. Fusing pics with a story is the thing I enjoy most about doing this blog. I take some of them but most are plucked from the internet. I give good Google.
really relate to this girl – thanks x
Hugs luv.
Hilarious and true. And if I can add one male’s perspective on “putting out on the first date”–I think that you’re largely correct. I’m married now, but how quickly a relationship becomes sexual was never a determinant in the length of a relationship.
I never was inclined to relationships with ‘easy’ girls (by which I do NOT mean necessarily a woman who has had several partners), because that often indicates low-self esteem. I never minded having sex with girl with LSE (it was probably the only way I could get laid back then, if you want the truth), but it wasn’t attractive in a potential partner.
But later on, when I was a little more mature, I had a few longer (and one of several years) relationships with women who’d “gone all the way” on our first date.
Likewise, to your point about women who use the vagina as a weapon, not long before I began dating my lovely wife, I was dating a girl who took forever to put out. Once that was over with, I realized what an unhappy and kinda hateful person she was.
I think my experience must be similar to yours: good words.
Snatch as a weapon is the one complaint I hear among the cocks in my life. I never understand women who do this. I mean who are you really punishing, them or your own vagina?
Exactly what I needed to hear today…thanks!
My mom always says that the best place to meet people is in church.
Hahaha. Well, I don’t think that advice is too far off. My snatch recently found its salvation with a handsome gent in one. Though that is another blog post entirely.
Loved this … though I would throw into the ring that many, many women date what I call “project” men, the ones they constantly have to chase behind and micro-manage as a means of avoiding dealing with their own personal shit.
Excellent post, Snatch. Motherfucking excellent!
Thank you Gillian. Oh my yes, the project male. Women who don’t want a boyfriend but a project to fix. I am such a hot mess myself, I couldn’t take on another project if I wanted to. Best relationship advice I ever got was from my guy pal Jimbo. He told me that since I was a work in progress, I needed to stop dating fixer up men. I need to look for a gent who was already put together. Trouble is, those grounded types aren’t usually attracted to us flake cakes. I’m not sure if I am less of a hot mess these days, or just found a grounded gent that accepts me flaws and all. But I do hope my dating failures within this blog helps others not make my same mistakes. Hugs luv.
My vote is for grounded gent who accepts you. They are magic in their own right. The true elixir for the flaky female. Believe that
I’ve shared many of these thoughts lately. Dating is scary, especially when you meet someone who seems so wonderful. It’s also exciting and is just so important to keep clouded judgements at bay. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you fellow Snark for stopping by my snatch. Hugs and mayhem.
This might be the best thing you’ve ever written…
If you lived closer…me and my 5 personalities would totally date you…and love/hate the attention/torture that you’d envitably dish out.
Really? I might be interested in one of those personality types. Who is the mean one who spreads Nutella all over his nipples? I feel a compatible factor with him.
DarkSide’s been known to pull hair, handcuffs, etc… and do requests….and Everto is a prick, but kind of in a depressing way….but we HATE having our nipples messed with….the last girlfriend (cough, cough, the stripper..cough, cough) insisted on playing with them constantly.
But you want handcuffs, spankings, hair pulling, etc… DarkSide’s got ya covered.
Thank you for saying that bit about this being one of the best posts I’ve ever written. I agree. I am very proud of it and I think it is starting to show I am growing in my writing. Thank you Snooks for the support. You are pretty amazing yourself.
Reblogged this on theghostlife and commented:
Howdy Ghost fans…
No blogs all week as Ghost deals with the unexpected of the Spectre on his doorstep…you can bet there will be some new material soon, but all of a sudden getting a near 15 year old tossed at you every day has caused some unrest for the Ghost man.
Anyway, Guest blogger Friday gives you Kat SnarkySnatch. She’s crazy, but we love her. Her spin on women and their dating bullsh*t.
Enjoy, and have a great Memorial Day weekend…if you aren’t in the States…thanks for reading me, and I’ll get the keyboard out and abuse it again real soon.
Ghost out…
Thanks for the reblog baby.
Are you ever on a roll today… Wow!!!
Some thoughts:
When I first read the title on my e-mail note, I thought, ‘Cool! Kat’s gonna write a post about my ex-wife!’
Then I showed up here and saw that first picture… I wasn’t sure whether to laugh my ass off or start to get hard! Went for first choice… Great tits failed to overcome hilarity of giant teddy bear head and suit prancing on sidewalk. LOL
Eva is one scary bitch and makes my ex-wife seem angelic – however insane she was for over 5 years of my life…
Greatly enjoyed reading your “translations”.
Barbie is a very messy cook.
Excuse me, but woman/ceiling light fixture (clever dual use!) hanging upside down from giant coat hanger doesn’t have anything pinching and hanging from her nipples – major kinkiness quotient deficit there, and yeah I know… I’m being hard to please.
Kat, you are one of the most fair women I have ever known, when it comes to being fair about calling BOTH men and women as well, on their bullshit. No gender bias with you!
Lots of painfully profound self realization and honesty delivered very sincerely and articulately, but still highlighted with the unexpectedly funny line. A great deal of wisdom as well… Worth a second read to take it all in.
Underwater basket weaving??? That’s silly! Underwater shirt ironing is far more practical, and I have the personal experience to know.
Oh, and just one more thing…
GREAT POST!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you Chris. I am going to start printing out your comments and post them around my writing nook. You are amazing in your support of me. Many hugs to you and the Mrs.
Wow! I’m honestly honored, and I mean it. But I hope that I didn’t blow it with the marathon comment I just finished on your most recent post – and my only excuse is a state of caffeination so intense that it’s better than some past experiences I’ve had on another stimulant that was much more expensive, and also very illegal. I wonder if Starbucks is adding some secret and extra special ingredients to their coffee…
Much affection back to you from me and the Mrs. You’ve impressed us both with the depth of your writing, the hilarity of your outrageous humor, and you can even take credit for a few times when your posts with those very erotic B&W photos got us both in the mood, and then very good things happened for us after… So thanks from both of us!
And thanks for the “like” on my most recent post. After I posted that pic of a super hot woman in a black bikini wearing a giant mouse head, I actually thought to myself ‘This looks like something that Kat would post’ and I smiled…
You crack me up! I love slasher Barbie.
You should have seen what she did to Skipper.
She deserved it. Little bitch.
Just wanted to say thanks for this. Will reblog when I’m finally near a computer again.
Sometimes your snatch is exactly what I need
Back at ya. Your snatch support is always what I need. Hugs.
I just got done with the “karmic: relationship to end all karmic relationships…I kid you not, this guy had no less than 13 “coincidences” between himself and the previous guy, and more coincidences between himself and past lovers. I thought “Cool, a chance to heal from what went on between me and X,Y and Z” Apparently it was karmic in reverse as well: I laughed , so he said, like one woman who had done him wrong, and had the same mannerisms as the chick that got between him and his best friend…he, however, didn’t see this as a chance to heal, but instead as a reason we wouldn’t work! Interestingly enough, by the time he admitted this to me, I had already blogged about this , beating him to the punch by a full week prior to this he kept trying to argue with me about things I hadn’t done, and ways I would never behave. it was so bizarre to me, because I constantly felt like I was being asked to stand up for some other woman! Not for myself! Weird, weird weird!The gist was, that he wanted me to stay and do a “friends with benefits” deal, but I knew I had to get the hell out! So, I guess I got the brunt of other women’s crazy…as well as this guys’ crazy!
However, now that my rant is over, I must say, this post made me laugh like crazy, and shake my head in agreement!
“I just got done with the “karmic: relationship to end all karmic relationships…” I love that line! Do you have the link to the blog post where you wrote about this? I would love to read it.
Here’s the post where I wrote about it: http://blatherbabe.wordpress.com/2012/03/30/letter-unsent/
Here’s the one after where I wrote about him talking about it AFTER I wrote about it
http://blatherbabe.wordpress.com/2012/04/07/a-metaphorical-minute/
And here’s the chapter where I wrote about all those damnable coincidences *sigh*
http://blatherbabe.wordpress.com/2012/05/14/love-in-the-cloud-bestworst-chapter-4/
Lots of reading, I know! Hope you enjoy it!
Look, Oh Snarky One, we’re really not that complicated. In 3,000 years we’ve evolved from clubbing one of you guys over the head to honking our horns or whistling at you, and how’s that been working out for us? They say that 95% of stereotypes are based in fact. Well, Pauly D(And Snookie too) exists for a reason which is why on any given night, the bars are filled with more mouth breathers than potential Mensa candidates and that explains why it’s easier to find a Batcave to park your Batmobile in for the evening than it is to find someone who doesn’t have to ask Siri when asked what 2+2 is.
Hahaha! Thank you Stuski. Did I ever tell you one of the most used search terms of finding my blog in Google is under Batman Sex? I don’t think I ever did a post about Batman once though. Perhaps a blog post in my future. And that stirs up an image of how adorable you would be in a cap and mask. Just saying. Miss you tons my friend.
Miss you too Sugar. I’m guessing your being with the new gent will put a serious crimp in the plans to get you down here to Pittsburgh any time soon although a perfect time for you to do it would be the weekend on July 21st. We’re having our Toonseum fund raiser that night, and it’s called “Gotham Nights” so I’m thinking you might even be able to find actual Batman sex that night. I’d even be tempted to wear the cape and cowl for you that night. ;P
This is so true, Kat, one of the best posts ever!
Really? Thank you Alice. Hugs luv.
I am but an uncomplicated man, but oh how I appreciate her bouncing … wits.
What about my bouncing tits?
Gorgeous.
(I’m sorry, I complete forgot what I was orginally talking about.)
You hit it right. If you can’t stand the heat don’t date. Dating sites are brutal hangouts for rookies that are new in the pool. Wandering to the deep end can be exciting at times.
I am just happy to be on a dating site sabbatical. I dread the thought of returning. Thank you for stopping by my snatch again luv.
You’ve done it again…..your honest and unflinching look at dating, introspection and healing old wounds with new men is spot on. You really touched several nerves for me on this one….I’m definitely guilty of avoiding my shit by finding a reason to ditch the guy I’m with when it gets too emotionally involved. But anyway….I’m really enjoying getting to know you as a new fan. Snark on !
Thank you DD. Really love your raw writing in your blog. Keep up the tasty posts. I might be living vicariously through you for awhile.
I really did get introspective on this post following my crush with a Canadian. I think in my realizing how much my trust issues chisel away at that relationship, it opened me up to finding the one I am currently in. It almost makes all my past dating failures worth it knowing I could find a truly amazing guy. Fingers crossed the only blowing I do in this relationship, is the ones that involve lockjaw. Hugs and mayhem.
So happy for you….truly. Thanks for reaching out. From what I can see, you are an amazing woman with a huge talent for comedy through pain. Now if only I could find such a man…..sigh. I fear I may be beyond that….too much damage
love it. unfortunately i can see myself in many of the words you have written. love love love.
Been there, spent nearly half my years there. – so over it. Indeed you bring up great points, however, being single and being alone are not the same things. Once a person figures that out, the crazy leaves and the sane begins. Loved your thoughts!
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Have you ever considered offering a “dating profile editing service”? You can start with mine haha.
wow. I love it. I love the ownership of your crazy! Very insightful and inspiring though unexpectantly so. Great post.
This is probably one of the smartest pieces of dating advice I’ve ever read
And kind of a punch in the gut! As much as I want to consider myself “low-maintenance” and having my shit together, I’m totally guilty of putting these standards on my dating life. Thanks for the reality check, I seriously needed it!
Always love your honesty
This one was indeed crazy… but in a good way!
This seems more like a guy’s perspective on things