Are You There Vibrator? It's Me Kat

 “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone you love.” – Woody Allen

I don’t know why so many gents get threatened by a woman’s vibrator. It’s not a competition boys. I have enough crevices to accommodate the both of you. Unless you are having sex with a 3-inch crooked penis, a vibrator isn’t going to put any cock on any vagina’s unemployment line.

Masturbation is about as natural as Alaskan Thunderfuck weed. Everybody does it.  Okay maybe if you are Edward Scissorhands you don’t, but I think we all can agree if you are an avid reader of this blog, your hand touches your gland.  My masturbating has nothing to do with whether or not my gent pleases me.  That’s the tits in all this… If a woman with a partner masturbates, it is often seen as though there’s something wrong with her relationship. Likewise, if a woman is without a partner, masturbating is seen as an act of loneliness.  Yet, a man will get his Masters of Universe Club Card revoked, if he doesn’t release a jug load of his sperm daily to some Asian girl having anal with a casaba melon.  (By the way… I have that one on DVD if any of you gents are interested).

Anyway, women supposedly don’t require a need for masturbation because women don’t get as horny as men.  Bull Stimp!  We do get just as horny, we just hide our boners better.  I always tell visitors to the snatch cave to never touch anything phallic.  One time or another it has seen the inside of my vagina.  For men, masturbation is a substitution, but for women masturbation is but one tool in the arsenal. 

I masturbate for all kinds of reasons other than needing a release.   Sometimes I masturbate when I’m bored at the laundry mat or to celebrate a boot sale at Macy’s.  Sometimes my fingers are just a cockular stand-in, practicing those positions and lighting schemes that will work best for me during sex.

Before warming the wrist rocket, I like to create a mood by taking my vagina out to dinner, lighting some candles, and putting on a little Divinyls, then I plug her in and let er rip!  

I prefer my Hitachi Magic Wand, (which is indeed magical) in aiding my journey to the Land of O.  I tend not to just bang one out, I take my time having my vagina melt into whatever fantasy my mind creates.  Currently, I have about three fantasies that I rotate.  One includes some faceless Jim Morrison type fucking me at dick breaking speeds, the other includes my current beau in the throws of a threesome, while the last one involves spreading Nutella and Cracklin Oat Bran all over my snatch and having my pug dog lick it off.  I usually don’t use that one so much anymore though, it made me hungry afterwards.  But my favorite masturbation sessions are those with my gent watching me. My fingers and snatch are such exhibitionists.  If I could, I would open up my living room to an orgasmic masturbation theater in the round:

 On average, I masturbate 5 days a week.
- Each “buffing beaver session” lasts for about 10 minutes, with a minimum of 2 orgasms per session.

7,080 minutes of my week, I am awake with 50 minutes spent masturbating.

Which means:
84% of my week is spent masturbating.

Indeed we live in a masturbation nation with 92% of women like me, declaring the flicking of their bean, among one of their most favorite past times.  I have yet to meet a man whose penis doesn’t visit the masturbatatorium weekly, if not daily.  Well, that is until meeting my current beau.  Duncan seems to be a camel when it comes to masturbation, going long stretches in between pounding his pud.  Which probably explains why whenever he sees me, I get pumped more times than a Sunoco station.

Jerking ones soda predates the vagina. Who is to say if Adam fondled his fig when Eve was off apple picking. The Bible is strangely silent on this topic, leaving it’s condemnation commentary to more important issues like bopping your daughter, having sex with sheep and suggestions on building floatation devices during heavy rains. Oh yeah, when reading the Bible spoiler alert: the main character dies.

Anyway, time to gird your loins and learn how masturbation has cum through the ages.

THE HISTORY OF MASTURBATION

Ever wonder why those cro magnons had bad posture, walking around all hunched over? My theory… they were walking about wanking their willies. Okay, while there are no direct references to masturbation at least in early cave paintings or other prehistoric artifacts, the practice of masturbation by Bonobo chimpanzees, which share 98.4% percent of our DNA, provides some confirmation that masturbation has likely been practiced since the dawn of mankind.  Hmm…  Is that where we got the term spanking the monkey?

Giving more credence that upper Paleolithic stone writings were a caveman’s version of Huslter, we see these drawings show sex not so much as a biological function but a fun way to spend an afternoon with your wooly mammoth bone. Rudimentary drawings of a lumpy man having sex with a flat chested stick woman and then going out to skin a buffalo may not be your definition of a good time, but it is amusing to think of the Geico caveman masturbating to a wall.

Birth of the Dildo. Some evidence suggests that dildos may have been in use as early as the Upper Paleolithic era. This indicates our caveman ancestors may have been hunting woolly mammoth while the women-folk were at home double teaming themselves with Brontosaurus bones.

The Sumerians, who invented the first written Western language, make reference to the Mesopotamian god Enki masturbating, his ejaculation filling the Tigris River with flowing water.  While the Egyptians, celebrated masturbation as the process by which the sun god, Atum, created the first Adam and Eve equivalents, Shu and Tefnut.  “With the hand of God, Atun masturbated and brought forth the first pair of souls.”

By the 5th century BCE, the Greeks began producing something called an olisbos that was pretty much a wooden dildo.  In an age when the Greek and Persian empires were at war and Greek philosophers were dabbling with little boys, the local women were apparently no longer ashamed to sleep with an inanimate wooden carved penis at night.  Though I wonder what they did to get splinters out?

Is that a cod piece or are you just happy to see me?

During certain king dynasties, masturbation was an extremely difficult task.  Mainly because a king was never alone. 

He slept with servants in the room, he ate with servants in the room, he even sat on the crapper with servants in the room. In fact, there was one lucky high born noble that was hand selected by the king, to actually wipe the king’s rear after a bowel movement – this man was referred to as the Groom of the Stool.  Talk about a shitty job.

 The Middle Ages would have been Sigmund Freud’s wet dream. The Church dictated everything right down to how you were supposed to have sex. Anything other than the common “missionary position,” for example, was considered unnatural and therefore a sin.The medieval Church’s belief that celibacy was the only way one could worship God was embodied in the Virgin Mary.

 There are some references to the use of dildos by women in the Middle Ages, in particular, this one in a Church “penitential,” a book that prescribes punishments for sins.

“Have you done what certain women are accustomed to do, that is to make some sort of device or implement in the shape of the male member of a size to match your sinful desire? If you have done this, you shall do penance for five years on legitimate holy days.”

 The word dildo was not actually used until the Renaissance period, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, but one fanciful explanation of its origin was a small elongated loaf of bread flavored with dill, thus “dilldough.”

In the Victorian era life was simpler; queens wore tiny crowns, heroin was legal and masturbation was apparently the greatest threat to life as they knew it. It was primarily during this period when masturbation was first associated with mental and physical deficiencies. Some prominent physicians, scientists, philosophers, and religious leaders believed that illnesses such as insanity, vision and hearing problems, epilepsy, mental retardation, and general health problems were caused by self-stimulation.  In fact, over 60% of medical and mental illnesses were blamed on masturbation.

The fear of masturbation was so great that throughout the world, extreme preventative measures were instituted including the use of mechanical restraints, genital surgery, and physical discipline. One of the reasons why you never see any paintings of gents from the Victorian Era with a smile.

By the 19th century the cereal magnate John Harvey Kellogg best known for the invention of the corn flakes breakfast cereal with his brother, Will Keith Kellogg declared “sex for anything but reproduction” to be “sexual excess.” Kellogg and others began advocating routine circumcision of males as a deterrent to masturbation. Yeah, something to think about while slopping up your next bowl of Crunchy Nuts.

The term, spermatorrhea, was even invented to explain nocturnal emissions, as no man was willing to admit to masturbating. Between 1856 and 1932, the U.S. Patent Office, awarded 33 patents to inventors of anti-masturbation devices.   Here are but a few:

Obviously crafted by a bored demon from the second circle of hell, the Jugum Penis was intended to cure “spermatorrhoea” and probably any other penis function its wearer had thereafter.  This device was quite literally a bear trap for erections, which meant, unfortunately, that men in those times had to choose between white stains on their bedsheets in the morning and red ones.

Now don’t go getting your penis bunched in a bear trap vice, 1906 brought new hope in curbing those erections.  Raphael Sohn invented what was essentially a chastity belt for dudes, if dudes wanted their dicks in a chastity belt cutting off their circulation and mutating their balls.  Sohn described it proudly… “Once positioned, it will be impossible to remove the appliance without great physical pain and possible mutilation, and if removed it cannot be replaced without the key, so that detection will be inevitable.”

In 1837, a health food nut preached sermons about the dangers of masturbation and soon invented a cracker to help ward off those dangers. If you ate your cracker in the morning, the blandness of the cracker was supposed to lower your lust all day so that you would not have “vital fluid” expending urges.  That man’s name was Sylvester Graham and his cracker, the Graham cracker. 

Really Mr. Graham?  If Graham’s crackers really curb sexual desire, then why do so many people get randy while in the wilderness? 

Welcome to the future in anti-masturbation devices!

This Pavilion penis conditioner probably not only helped curb masturbation but probably curbed any man having erections ever again.   The device worked when electrodes where attached to the male’s member.  Once erect an electric mechanism triggered an alarm bell to let the man, and everyone else within a one-mile-radius know he was at full staff.

Nothing says instant softee more than sitting in a diaper of cold water right?   In 1893, Frank Orth took that idea and ran with it.  Well, ran cold water anyway, creating the first ever anti-masturbation cold shower pants. 

In addition to the extreme inability to get an erection in just wearing these things, once in them a man’s shaft would be nestled between two levers. As he slept, should the organ expand, it would set off the layers and release cold water to fill up the chamber. In his words “The cold water… cools the organ of generation, so that the erection subsides and no discharge occurs.”

Skipping to the famous Kinsey Report of 1948, masturbation was demystified and even discovered to be beneficial.

In 1966, Masters & Johnson revealed the practice to be virtually universal in North America, cutting across all boundaries of sex, age, race, and social class. So by 1971 Goldstein, Haeberle & McBride determined masturbation to be the most common form of sexual activity among humans. 

Self-diddling ladies, rejoice in the new millenium. Finally, there exists a bar that caters to both of your favorite D&D interests. Drinking and Dildos! The first ever masturbation bar has popped its cherry in the land of Pink Eiga.

There you have it, a tour through the history of masturbation.  My snatch doesn’t know whether she is hungry, horny or hurting.  So, next time you gents cue up a Jenna Jameson porn for a Rosey Palm and her five sisters gang bang, remember to thank the masturbatory Gods above that you live in modern times. 

Lastly, I leave you the latest of inventions surrounding this topic.  Except this one was invented to encourage masturbation whenever the wank urges strikes you. 

Introducing Portable Wankatoriums!!!!     

Meanwhile, in Columbus Ohio…

Don’t you wish that Facebook alerted you every time someone masturbated to one of your profile pics?  No?  Must be just me then.