There is only one page left to write on. I will fill it with words of only one syllable. I love. I have loved. I will love.
— Audrey Niffenegge
Snarky Snatch has been missing for several weeks and there has been much speculation as to her demise. Many of you already know her last known communication was December 21st at 7pm somewhere near Medina, Ohio. Earlier in the day, she had set her blog to post automatically with her last posting appearing December 26th.
For the past 13 months Snarky has both enchanted and bewildered us with her dating exploits. Snarky Snatch was more than a snatch, it was a cultural experience.
Sadly, I must report found among her effects were her final wishes that if ever something should happen to her, that her blog should forge ahead in it’s role in the moral decay of humanity. Only with someone else at the helm. She also listed a very detailed last will and testament. If her body is ever found, she has asked that it lay on a cement slab in the Ganges, where birds can nest and peck at it’s rotting carcass. Then, she requested to be cremated whereby her ashes be distributed in small vials to those gents whom she enjoyed spending quality vaginal time with.
Alas, the last of her poetic ramblings in her own words…..
So if you are reading this then I have kicked it. Someone should call Elton to see if he is available for another dead blonde song.
I need not be idealized, or enlarged in death beyond what I was in life; to be remembered simply as someone good and decent, who saw wrong and tried to right it, saw suffering and tried to heal it, saw cocks and tried to blow them. My obituary should be a simple reflection of an artistic mind of a great humble genius of her time. Highlight some of best loved pieces (delete that one about midget porn and the penis launching pug competition)
Say something like: Known for settling the blog world a blaze…. She made friends with eeeeverybody, and anybody… Divorced as many times as she married, she leaves only good wishes behind.
Please bequeath the following to my most loyal blogkin:
Vagina Bedazzler: Cakes McCain
Collection of ball gags and riding crops and saddles: Love Sex & Marriage
Corn Ball Deep Fryer: Chris @ Wordplay
V.I.P. to all Cleveland after dark clubs – Mr. E
My lighting crew and personal oral sex light to illuminate your dongle – Theo Black
My silver studded taser gun for fellow New York gal chica – Born Out Of Bourbon
For the rest not mentioned who have posted my blog posts will be receiving complimentary cock/clit rings in lieu of blow jobs and muffin munchings I planned on giving before I kicked it.
Lastly, and most important if I should meet an untimely demise, like an outbreak of swine flu, my blog must go on. It must be lead by someone magnetic, well-versed in art of dispensing relationship advice to those clueless spending great amount of time playing Farmville. Someone who can find a 150 ways to use Fuck Buddy in a blog title in order to get good Google juice. Someone with the moral fiber of a naked mole rat. Only one person comes to mind. JD Mader.
Now, if you are a regular follower of my snatch you know that JD often serves as a visual aide to my masturbatory needs. Aside from his sexy swagger in boxer shorts, his no holds bar approach to dispensing advice via Don’t Ask JD Mader, puts the butter on any muffin top. JD does for relationships what a boil-like lesion does for an Anthrax spore. Without further adieu, I now bequeath away my viewer mailbag never dulcet, JD Mader.
Me and my girlfriend have been together for two and half years. Six months of which we have been going sour. Last week she said she is not in love with me anymore. What do I do to get her to fall back in love with me?
OK, first of all, it’s ‘My girlfriend and I’, not ‘Me and my girlfriend’. Bad grammar is a turnoff. Maybe you should run everything you write or say by a third grade teacher? Or someone who learned English as a second language. Or just stop speaking. And writing. Fuckin’ A.
Alright. Maybe you’ve never heard of the two-year rule. That’s OK. I’m guessing you dropped out of school in the first grade to work on your family’s llama farm or something, thus rendering you incapable of speaking correctly…and tragically unaware of the two-year rule. Here it is: around the two year mark, you break up. That’s the rule. Simplified for your protection. This is gonna be hard enough for you what with the big words and effective sentence construction.
It is a real phenomenon. I have had several two year relationships myself. Now, I have hurtled over the two years into marriage, but I recognize your plight. I have experienced it and witnessed it in the lives of others. Me and my friends (should be ‘my friends and I’…getting it?) have all experienced this. So, my guess is you got your two years, and your relationship will progressively deteriorate from this point on. I highly recommend you euthanize this shit before it gets ugly. I had a coke-head girlfriend that locked me out of our apartment and stole a bunch of my shit when we were at the two year mark. Ah, memories. Fucking bitch.
Why does this happen, you ask? People are fucking annoying and they lie, that’s why.
Allow me to illustrate. This is how your relationship went.
1-6 months: You guys are happy! You’re still finding out new shit about each other. You still go down on your girlfriend without bitching about it. You’re in…tee hee…LOVE!
6 months-1 year: Woah, you’re like, totally a fucking couple now. This could be IT. You snuggle a lot and like the same shows. Your friends are starting to hate your pussy ass.
1 year-1.5 years: Hey, when did she stop shaving on a regular basis? And what’s with the fucking sartorial disaster at bedtime? Sweatpants and an old wife-beater with stains on it? Really? Where’s the lingerie? Your friends have lost all respect for you. She bitches at you in public and you are a lazy, shiftless asswipe, so you deserve it. You have sex when drunk. Sometimes.
2 years: You argue all the time. Goddamn, did you both used to be so annoying? Everyone hates everyone and you never have sex. But you have been through sooooo much. You’re a couple for shit’s sake! (A couple of annoying assholes).
2.5 years: All pretense of love has evaporated. Fucking kill it. Jesus Christ. Be a fucking man, and kill the goddamn thing before you wake up with your shit gone and a meth habit. Or a drinking problem if you’re a total wanker.
She’s not gonna fall ‘back in love’, Sunshine. You need to try again. Return to square one. Find a new chick. See if you can do what I did…make it to the place where you’re too tired to have sex, but you really like hanging out. You talk about your bodily functions openly. You have seen the worst of each other…and the best. And for some reason you still want to be with her. It’s a good place. Trust me. Much better than I just made it sound.
Sorry, this whole thing is gonna be painful. But you’ll be better off.
Can a female urinate during an orgasm…is that normal? Also, is it safe to let my man urinate in me?
Normal? Hell, I hear all the kids are doing it.
Holy cat shit, Batman. I had a friend (i.e., someone I worked with and was a little afraid of) who was into vomiting and being vomited on during sex. Now, I am a pretty open-minded guy, but I have some fucking decency. That one even grossed me out. Same with scat, etc.
What you’re talking about doesn’t gross me out. I will mock you later, but it doesn’t gross me out. See, piss is the only sterile fluid to come out of the human body. Drink the shit. Hand little vials out at Halloween. No big deal. It’s just piss. You fucking weirdo.
Can a female urinate during orgasm? Wait a second, women can have orgasms??? I jest of course (tip your waiter!). Women have orgasms when they pass me on the street. But I don’t fucking know about your abnormal piss question. I’m not a doctor. I will, however, say that somewhere there is absolutely a woman who can (or MUST!) piss when she comes. And somewhere there is a dude who pisses inside every woman he fucks. It’s a big world. Is it common? I highly doubt it. And I’m not getting into female ejaculation (in both senses) because I have never understood whether it is real or not (although I have a friend who swears it happened to him with a chick).
Now, let’s talk about penises because I have one of those. It is really, really hard to piss when you have an erection. I’ve done it. It’s messy, but morning wood and a small bladder are a match made in hell.
So, here’s where we’re at. A chick urinating during orgasm? Not normal, but I’m sure it happens. Is it safe for your man to piss in you? I don’t see why not (you’ve had dirtier shit in there), but I think he’ll have trouble pulling it off. And you need to understand just how much liquid we’re talking about here. I was driving on the freeway a while back and had to piss. Grabbed an empty water bottle off the floor (cause I keep my car CLASSY). Luckily, I had three water bottles. Sure, I got covered in piss and almost died, but I learned something. I.E., a LOT of piss comes out when you really have to let it loose (and if you’re gonna piss with a hard-on, it probably means you’re full up).
Why don’t you try this. Get some Viagra. Give it to your dude. Then make him drink a case of beer. Then, when you’re doing the sex thing, tell him to piss. I can pretty much guarantee that this will result in a huge fucking mess and possibly hysterical pain…if it works (it probably won’t). Please make sure you tape that shit so we can laugh at you.
BTW, I sell vials of my piss. $75 a vial, but that shit is good AND guaranteed to make you fail a drug test.
I have a guy I have been seeing for over a year now. I know he is in love with me but he still helps his ex-girlfriend because she isn’t financially independent. I am really uncomfortable with this arrangement but I don’t want to tell him what to do. Can you give me some sound advice on how to get him to sever ties with her?
Tired of It
I say this to dipshit guys all the time, and I’m going to say it to you. You don’t ‘have’ a person. Show some respect to words and how you use them. Now…
Wow, look over there! A rabbit! You can’t see it? That could be a result of all the wool that has been pulled over your eyes, you lovely little simpleton. Enough for a million ugly sweaters. I have one ex that I still communicate with and wouldn’t want to hit with an axe handle if she asked me for money. She’s a great lady. I like her a lot. If she asked me for money, I’d tell her to go fuck herself. If I could stop laughing. But then again, my wife likes to remind me that I paid for dinner on our first date and said, “I’m going to buy you dinner, but this isn’t going to be a regular thing. You’re buying the next dinner.” I was drunk. Now, we’re married. Ain’t it grand?
But seriously, no matter how rich your dude is, if he is giving money to his ex, despite knowing that this is going to bug you (and he does know…unless he is friends with Mr. No Grammar above, in which case he might still be trying to figger out how the car knows when you ain’t wearing no seatbelt). You don’t give money to ex-girlfriends (unless you knocked them up, you are being blackmailed because she has pictures of you tied up and dressed like a cheerleader, or unless you are still emotionally or physically attached). You give them the gift of not telling your mutual friends all the lame shit she did to you. Period.
I’m not saying he is still in love with her on some level (he is). I’m not saying he’s still fucking her (he probably is). I’m not saying you’re a pussy (you’re totally a pussy, you big pussy). What I am saying is that you need to tell his sappy ass to stop giving money to his ex and send it to me.
I have been married 9 years and have an AMAZING husband that nearly any woman in her right mind would kill for! Yet I have NEVER had an orgasm, and you know what? IT’S MY TURN! Any suggestions?
Your husband is a dick. And you shouldn’t be riding the regular bus, feel me? I say this based upon two very solid arguments which I will present…now. One, every single woman who says they have an AMAZING husband that any sane and rationale woman would circumcise herself for is married to a dick. You doth be protesting too much, lady! No one wants your man. I love my wife, but I wouldn’t say she is the most amazing woman in the world and any guy with a brain would KILL to be with her. That’s fucking crazy town. So, there’s something going on here beyond your broken vagina. I know, now you’re pissed. But think about it. If you’re not going to believe a person you’ve never met who is unqualified to give relationship advice, who are you going to believe? Your friends? But…but, surely they must all be jealous that you are married to THE MOST AMAZING MAN IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE (who doesn’t care about your sexual needs, tra LA!). You can’t trust those jealous skanks! Actually, they are probably too busy having orgasms to care because I’m guessing you’re the friend everyone feels sorry for.
Secondly, if he hasn’t figured out how to ‘give you an orgasm’ (which is kind of how you present this BTW psycho dish-rag lady…we’re talking about gasping and leg-twitching, not a Hallmark card or an STD), then he’s a dipshit. I’ve been with chicks who could come by thinking about sex, and I have been with chicks who didn’t come easily (guess how many women could come with a quickness). The majority of women have trouble achieving orgasm, especially from straight up boning. Most men have an orgasm before lunch. When a woman has difficulty coming during sex, you figure shit out. You buy a vibrator. Or nine. Maybe you’ve heard of them. The come in all shapes and sizes, but basically, you can put them on your clit when you fuck (you do know about the clitoris, yeah?) and that might help. Cunnilingus (that’s science talk for him putting his mouth on your lady parts) will help, too. And check out the G spot. No, not the place where all your homies hang out, it’s inside you.
Have you considered that perhaps you are perfect for each other? Because if you really have been married for nine years and are just now getting around to figuring out how your AMAZING, FABULOUS, FUCKING AWESOME husband can “give” you an orgasm, then y’all both got problems. In the head department. And I don’t mean that fancy mouth-loving I referred to earlier. I mean you are both sacks of stupid.
There are, literally, thousands of books about the female orgasm and how it can be achieved. People base their entire goddamn careers on it. But you two dumbfucks are too stupid to figure it out in nearly 3,500 days of marriage? Please. You are questionable in my book for allowing this to happen. And your ‘WONDERFUL, OMG, ALL YOU OTHER BITCHES WISH YOU HAD IT AS GOOD AS I DO’ husband is a selfish prick.
I don’t think anyone would be ‘lucky’ to have a husband who doesn’t care if his wife is sexually satisfied. I DO think you are delusional. Buy a fucking vibrator, some lube, act out some fantasy (based on your question, I’m guessing it involves you two fucking in the bliss of Jesus’ benevolent light once all us sinners have been ‘left behind’ – orgasming our fucking asses off and drinking Thunderbird). Or you can go on convincing yourself that your husband is the greatest thing since Hugh Beaumont and squash that sexual desire down until it is just a little ember so it won’t get in the way of the healthiest relationship you have ever witnessed or could possibly imagine. I mean, your friends’ husbands can’t compete, right? Well, maybe in one department. That twitching-leg, hollerin’, sexy-loving thing I was talking about.
Stop rereading Twilight and google ‘female orgasm’. And take matters into your own hands. Jesus Christ. Masturbation is like the one thing that makes me have faith in humanity. If your husband can’t make you come, DIY.
I think my boyfriend may be leaving me. Lately, he seems to have lost interest in sex and he doesn’t see me as often as he used to. I was thinking of having anal sex with him to spice things up. I have never done anal with anyone so I thought maybe that might bring us closer and get him interested in our relationship again. What do you think?
Give him my ass?
I think your boyfriend is going to leave you, and no amount of access to the poop chute is gonna change that. If he doesn’t want to fuck you…well, that’s a bad sign. Men pretty much want to fuck anything. They may not admit it, but it’s true. I had a friend when I was in middle school who used to masturbate by dry-humping a TREE in his backyard. A fucking tree…rough bark and all. (Hi Sean!)
It’s interesting to me that you’re all: “OMG, he might leave me, better let him plow me in my fucking asshole!” I’m not gonna go all Dr. Phil on you, but you are a strange, strange person. I can only assume that he has asked in the past and you rejected him. Otherwise, you are a person who should be medicated. But I will help you. Because I have nothing better to do right now.
You want to know what keeps guys happy? Blow jobs. Yeah, sex is great, but blowjobs are king. If your man doesn’t want a blow job, there is something seriously wrong with him. You want him to stick around? I prescribe one blow job a day. I would live with that fucking Octomom freak if there was a daily blow-job involved. So, I’d play the hummer card before I opened up the poop cave.
Now, some dudes are REALLY into anal. I get that. I am not one of those men. I like the way asses look. I like touching them, holding them, pinching them, maybe slapping them around a little. I do NOT really find the assHOLE itself all that appealing. I don’t want to put my dick, something I am fairly fond of, in one. Here’s why. FUCKING SHIT COMES OUT THERE! And there is a self-lubricating vagina right next door. And ‘real person’ assholes are not like bleached porn-star assholes. They are hairy and ugly and FUCKING SHIT COMES OUT OF THERE! That’s me. Some dudes live for the shit. I will say that every guy I’ve known who is obsessed with anal has been a douche with some SERIOUS issues regarding women. Enjoying it is fine, but if it is a big enough deal to save your relationship…what I’m trying to say is that some people are into anal and that’s fine. Guys who are into anal above and beyond all else…issues.
Then there are guys who are into it occasionally. That’s cool. Some chicks dig it, too (the ones who don’t really don’t). I’m just saying if it is that huge a deal to him (or you), then something is up. It shouldn’t be a deal-breaker. Nor should it be a salve for your fucking sad relationship.
Now, let’s talk about self-respect. Step outside of yourself for a second, and read this as a third person observer: “Baby…I know things have been less than great lately…I’ll do anything to keep you…I can’t be without you. If I let you fuck me up the ass, you’ll stay. Right?!?!?!?” How fucking pathetic does that sound. Let me help you…it sounds fucking pathetic. Seriously.
Here’s a genius idea that is irrelevant since your relationship is over. Why don’t you express your relationship concerns and then ask HIM what would help ‘spice things up’.
Or, be realistic and end the relationship. Honesty. Empathy. Love. These are all things that can ‘save’ a relationship. Access to the bunghole will not save a doomed relationship. It’s in the Bible if you don’t believe me. Crustaceans 3:9. For any of you wondering where the hell I am, well all will be explained soon.
JD is a published writer with several books to his credit so I have no idea why he is a follower of my blog. You can also find JD’s daily rambling musings on his blog humbly called Unemployed Imagination.
As for Snarky? Just remember some people don’t stay dead no matter how deep you bury them.