Leveling Hearts At Dick Breaking Speeds. It's The Snarky Snatch Guide To Ruining A Relationship

I truly believe that the Universe delivers us moments that let us know who someone really is. Maybe it is an online dating profile. Maybe it’s a Facebook photo. Or maybe it’s their rap sheet. I reflect on all my past wrong choices that helped put me on the right path to relationship bliss (well, bliss until he CUT OUT MY FUCKING HEART AND STOMPED ON IT!!!!) 

Nah, I’m not bitter.  Roll the photos of my past online dating mistakes.

And with this online dating pictorial montage we also learn that somewhere in the outskirts of Cleveland, a few villages are missing their idiots. 

Indeed dating brings a gal moments that she wishes cocks were encased in glass like a fire alarm: (In Case of Horny Emergency, Break Glass and Grab Dick.).  It’s like why we do need the entire pig when all we really crave is the damn little sausage?

Ever notice you can’t swing a dead cat in a bookstore without hitting a shelf of books devoted to giving saccharin sappy wisdom in how to save a relationship?   Seems everyone from Dr. Phil to JWOW is trying to cash in on saving your heart from Shattersville.  Personally, I always think the best people to give you dating advice are the ones that dug the trenches in your previous ones. I am talking about your exes. I prefer to stay chummy with an ex in case I am ever in a pickle in needing a pickle. Why if I didn’t stay friends with the men I had sex with, I would have no friends.

Who knows better in the areas of which you need to improve on then someone who spent significant time in your heart and vagina? While your radar might be askew entranced by a new cock on the horizon, your ex is always able to provide a neutral observation, giving an impartial viewpoint if this new conquest meets Grade-A standard.  Even lending their opinion to all the ways you might be fucking things up in the usual manner of which you’re known for. Who better than an ex to keep you from making the same mistakes you did years before with them? Enter Jimbo. 

Now Jimbo and I go way back to our theater days in NYC.  We had on of those S-T-E-L-L-A relationships, with lots of pathos, ethos, Mentos.  He has seen my snatch in good times and bad, watching numerous cocks come and go.  And not just the ones I had during my relationship with him either.  Following his parole of a 9.5 month relationship with me, he has remained a close friend for over 20 years.  So obviously I value his opinion greatly.  Which is why I decided to make him the first to take an exit survey of my relationship with him.  I think all of us can benefit from an exit survey from our exes.  What a Zagat Survey does for meals, the Snarky Snatch exit survey will do for the vaginal community.  I know that Jimbo will give not only an astute but a fair and balanced account of his time with Miss Kat.

 So, first question:

Me – What was something I could have done in our relationship to make it better?  

Survey says:  Jimbo – Well, you could have not let Marcus put his penis in your vagina while we were dating.   

  Okay Next!  

I go to my latest ex-beau the sanctimonious duplicitous jackbag, a.k.a. Duncan. 

Me: What was something that you feel was a negative influence in our relationship? 

Duncan:  Well, the fact that you sat with a vodka soaked suppository in your ass as your blogged about our entire relationship didn’t help.  This sex blog of yours has the entire Cleveland area knowing your crevices better than I do.  

Me:  You say that like it’s a bad thing.  So, sweetness, baby cakes, lamb loin, you don’t feel a negative influence on our relationship was the fact you were seeing someone else?

Duncan:  Kat,  I did not cheat on you.  I started dating her after we broke up. 

Me:  THREE DAYS AFTER WE BROKE UP! 

Duncan:  Three days after we broke up isn’t cheating. 

Me: Yea, and three days isn’t you will hold me until you die…..until you die … but you’re still alive!!!!

This concludes the Snarky Snatch Relationship Exit Survey. 

Okay, having your exes try to help you with a current relationship is as bout as helpful as five monkeys trying to fuck a football.  Perhaps I have Angelina Jolied my way through a relationship or two which gave me one hell of a Snarky Snatch idea.  Write a book where I can air my suffering, piss off my ex-beaus and get paid for it!!!!

For the sake of time I devised a handy little cliff notes version condensing 50 relationship sinking tips to five.  As OMC would say, if you want to know the rest buy the rights.

1. Date by committee. 

Women are all about the group think.  Before getting into a relationship huddle to decide a gents fate, I use a power point presentation going over the finer key points of my beaus latest blunder with me. My vagina dictates that I must share every sordid detail of my relationship so my fellow yentas can give their most keen arm chair analysis of the situation. Then I must ask a series of over analyzing questions before a vote can be reached. It is the tribe has spoken phenomenon.

Like Oprah, friends can destroy relationships faster than Charlie Sheen can order an eight ball whore on speed dial.  This is usually done by pissing in your ear the things you may not have already thought to blame him for.  A guy may leave his gal in the morning with wine and rosebuds swirling in her head, only to return after a gal pal power lunch, to have his things on the curb. That’s how the snatch snaps.

While my friends might be “dating mavens,” the truth is: No one knows a relationship like the two people who are in it. And my friends always have my back which means they are going to remember what fucked up things a guy did to me, far longer than I will. 

2.  Bring other cocks to the hen house.

When you Google the top five attractions in the Cleveland area, it should be no surprise the my vagina pops up.  Nothing makes a gent feel more secure than knowing his gal has a bunch a dudes hanging around her vagina that she used to have sex with.   Keeps him on his toes knowing his replacement is practicing his lines in the wings.  When your guy fucks up those former cocks you used to fuck will be there console and remind you of what an assclown he really is.  Everybody wins!!

If your beau doesn’t know about other men interested in you, then START A BLOG!!!!! A blog is where he can watch you date them right before his eyes. If one is geared towards sexual explicit topics like mine is, then gents and former beaus alike, can make flirty comments or suggest sexually naughty things.  You can write in depth articles about their talents as a deep vaginal spelunker.  If you are lucky they will share a penis pic or two with you, then ask what you thought about it LIVE in blog time!  

3.  Go digging around trying to find reasons to break-up even when things are amazing.  

Long before you have a chance to give your gal her own drawer she is combing through your cellphone and Facebook like Henry Lee at a Crime Scene.

Ladies, don’t go snooping for things you know will hurt your feelings.  That applies to current beaus or exes.  It’s not worth the calories. 

For those in a relationship, don’t pose questions to your gent that your not able to handle the answer to.  If you think he is cheating and go looking for it, be prepared for the answer.  If he isn’t cheating, be prepared for him to find out you don’t trust him and for the reality of what it actually says about your relationship.

“If you want to be happy for the rest of you life, never give a Facebook account to your wife.” – Snarky Snatch wisdom

 In every doomed relationship, there comes “an uh-oh moment”. A certain little something happens, and you know you’ve just witnessed the beginning of the end. And suddenly you stop and you think, “Uh-oh, iceberg ahead”. Facebook is one such Uh-oh.  It is the worst thing that has happened to a cock since Lorena Bobbit.  Think it is harmless to be friends with an ex on Facebook?  Yea, well its all fun and games till some ex clicks like on one of your posts with a winking face.  Every bitch knows that a Facebook wink is Latin for “I want you to eat me out like a beaver on a tree.”  In general the only reason an ex girlfriend has for being a friend with you, is to remind you of the last time your cock was inside her vagina.  Facebook is a great way to send those little reminders.  Enough said.

 4. Diarrhea of the mouth.

“We talk about your dreams and we talk about your schemes
your high school team and your moisturizer creme
We talk about your nanna up in Muncie, Indiana
We talk about your grandma down in Alabama
We talk about your guys of every shape and size
The ones that you despise and the ones you idolize
We talk about your heart, bout your brains and your smarts
And your medical chart…” ~ I Wanna Talk About Me. – Toby Keith

Ladies, you don’t need a blog post to give you advice on the overshare.  The ability to drone on for hours about nonsense or the past comes with our vaginas.  Whether we are talking about the last sexual romp you had at dick breaking speeds with an ex, or our latest pap smear, women are masters at verbal plumage. Want to know what your man really wants to hear? ‘I want to have sex with another woman and you can watch.’ Yea, show me a woman of few words and I’ll show you a Muslim stripper.

Diarrhea of anything is an instant softee to fellas. Most dudes can put up with it for awhile (if they are getting fucked well and often.) But sooner or later, diarrhea of the mouth will cause them to Kaopectate the relationship.

5. Compare your gent to past beaus

In order to ruin a perfectly good relationship, you’ll need to provide your fella with some unrealistic expectations to live up to. This will help foster resentment and jealousy, which are the at the foundation of any doomed relationship. I find comparing my gent to a past beau works the best.

Don’t soften the blow at all.  If you’re going to ruin this relationship, it’s important that your fella is fully aware of how much better your ex-boyfriend was at like say…… going down on you?  Don’t just casually mention it, either.  Really try to drive home the fact that his lap speed would rival Scooby’s. Compare how you used to fuck other gents on a regular basis, right in the very place he is sitting!!  Perhaps you can use a power point presentation of sexual positions once used. Act out with puppets the screams, pants and vaginal thrusts of the longest, wettest fuckfest of your life.

I mix the above, with reflections of how horrible a certain ex was.  Driving home how I can’t help but be reminded of how similar the two are.  For this comparison exercise…… the more evil your past beau was the better!  Aim for the order of protection types if you have any of those in your till.

Bear in mind you can’t get a gent to change by comparing him to beaus of the past. Men only change through evolution. So we’ve got another three billion years.

For any women reading this that is in a relationship but complaining her man isn’t good enough let me remind you of something… you could be me.  Not just single, but alone.  There is a difference.   I invite you to spend 20 minutes in this blog reading about what is out there in the dating trenches. 

Cocks don’t grow in a garden, if you are taking advantage of the good one you got… STOP IT!  Text it right now and tell it you want to suck it when he gets home.   Wait for it naked rolled in bubble wrap and dipped in Nutella.   Stop being a bitch troll harpie telling it what it does wrong all the time.   Stop trying to build a better boyfriend by tearing him down.  What makes you the expert on designing humanity?  Your past 6 failed relationships with a dead beat Joe the Grinder as your spec model?   Stop convincing yourself that men are all dumb animals led around by their penises and think straight at the thought of being inside you.  Your vagina could be Bedazzled with diamonds and encrusted with rubies… He STILL IS GOING TO LEAVE YOUR ASS AND NOT PLAY INTO YOUR GAMES! 

Women are supposed to make their gents dick hard.  Not his life.

In general ladies, need help spicing up your love life? Forget everything you know about your husband or boyfriend and remember everything you love about dicks without faces.

Take heed to this best-selling advice.  Tuck these 5 easy steps to ruining a relationship in your boot for an on the spot refresher. With a little time, focus and some genuine lack of concern for the feelings and well-being of your fella, even the most loyal and dedicated of girlfriends can easily ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to them!